Hey NNP! I poke my head in once in a while. I guess I'm just on sensory overload with my M at this point. Almost the 3 year anniversary of the begining of all of this. 3 years and I've probably spent less than a month in the same state as him. Eeesh. It gets old.
I'll have to see if I can poke around some more and catch up on you.
In 13 days S4 and I will be picking up H at the airport. This time he's going to be stationed a few hundred miles away, instead of at the far end of the continent. It's hard to believe. And yet the closer the time comes, the harder it is to wait. For some reason I'm getting just desperately lonely at night. I haven't been like that for a long, long time.
I've become so numb to my situation over the past 3 years. Anytime anyone gets an inkling of my situation they give me the standard, "I could never do what you do," or "I can't even imagine." But for some reason I still think that sticking it out beats the alternative of filing for a D I never wanted and risking financial security and all those other unknowns.
I can't even say for certain that we're on the road to piecing our M together again. H seems to be hanging on to some deal breakers, like the complete lack of enthusiasm for living together again. But H speaks to his emotions of the moment and his words are rarely carved in stone. Hard to say what he really wants. Maybe he still doesn't know. But I'm running out of patience.
At any rate...it occurred to me today that I should start thinking about some DB tactics for H's visit. What little DBing I've been able to do in the past worked well. We'll be together for about a week and a half before he has to return to his previous unit to retrieve his things and make the monumental cross country trip to his new unit. It's kind of crazy. But once he gets to his new unit, we should have the opportunity to see each other a couple weekends a month. Hopefully that will give us the time to ease back into the idea of being together again or the chance to sort out if H doesn't want to live together again and it's time to move on with my life.
Here's my first crack at a list of DB actions to take when he gets here:
-Greet H with open enthusiasm and no regard for PDA at the airport. (This is not my style because I'm worried that H will not return my enthusiasm-so it's a good 180. Nothing to lose.)
-Give H lots of sincere compliments. One a day.
-Have wild and crazy sex with H. Well, take one more step away from my inhibitions (which have been on the decline the past couple years)
-Ask H's opinion on stuff
-Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate every little thing H does while I'm with him (he always does a lot of stuff, I just didn't used to acknowledge it much)
At this point, I think I'll leave any R, future talk until after he gets to his new unit and I see him on a weekend.
Opti, I like you list. I have butterflies for you in anticipation of your H relocating. Do I understand correctly that he is coming to visit you on leave and then going back and PCSing? Permissive orders maybe? Just trying to understand the logistics...
If I do understand correctly that seems huge. Hasn't he always gone directly to his parents the other times he has had leave?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
the logistics are a nightmare. H didn't get his PCS orders approved in enough time to make reasonable transporation arrangements. So he's buying a $2000 ticket out of pocket in order to be able to spend time with us before he goes back to gt his HHG.
Yes, on his past three leaves he flew to his parents in Missouri instead of to where S and I are. The first two times, I expected it because we hadn't really re-established much of an R and I was living at my mom's. But the last time I was really, really, really hurt. After that I began to seriously consider leaving the R and finding a job on the west coast where I would like to settle (and H DOESN'T) and moving on with my life.
That last leave didn't start out very well or end very well. The middle was ok. But it was just clear to me that S and I were not high on H's list of people he wanted to be with. High on his list of financial obligations, maybe. After his leave was over and I'd very quickly left the scene, I wrote him an email about how hurt I'd been that he'd chosen to go to his parents house instead so that he only spent half of his yearly leave (a week or so) with S and I. And I asked him again if he wanted to be with us, or if it was time for me to move on. The only response I ever got to that was..."I'm formulating a response" in a reply email after I'd asked him if he'd received mine.
So I was at his parents house recently so they could watch S while I went on a work trip for a week. H called while I was there (oddly, he usually only calls there when I'm there). His mom was talking to him on the phone while I was next to her taking care of S4. I could tell they were talking about his PCS situation and his leave. She said, "so you're flying home first?"
I suprised myself by opening up my mouth and asking "Does he mean flying to [his parents airport] or to [my airport]?" So his mom asked him my question.
Obviously he answered that he was flying into my airport because his mom then proceeded to give him a hard time (jokingly) saying, "oh, I see, I rate second now do?" Then she let off and told him that where S and I are is his home now, and that's the way it should be. I know she was joking, but it trigured some resentment in me. I mean, who needs to reassure her 35 year old son of this???
So any way...I think H got the message from my email, even if he did not respond to it with words. Words don't seem to resolve any of our issues.
Yeah, me too. It's going to be very stange. The begining of the end of the last 3 years. The end doesn't necessarily mean H and I are going to be together. But the end of my "waiting for H" time is coming near, one way or the other.
I haven't heard much of anything from him for the past couple weeks. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep the night before. S and I have to get up at 4am to go get him.
I'm sure I'll be thinking a lot of the night before S and my early morning flight out of our brand new home in Alaska after H had said in no uncertain terms that he was filing for D. I didn't even try to sleep. I was so exhausted I didn't even have enough emotion to be angry with H.
Actually, thinking about that probably isn't a good start to Acting As If when I pick H up at the airport...in 11 days and counting.
Opti, Your list looks good to me too, one thing I remember reading was to be careful to not push too much too quickly. The old get close then pull away a bit so he comes after you thing.
So what is the status on his potential promotion? Does it mean he may be moving again quickly if he gets it or has he been passed over already?
Hey RonJon! Long time no hear. I guess we've both kind of backed away from the boards. I find myself back here a lot lately because I'm lonely and everytime there's an opening to talk to people about my sitch with H, it just doesn't feel right. I don't know if it's because I feel a lot of judgement about why I've hung on so long or if it's because of my own unresolved/confusing feelings.
We haven't heard about H's promotion. I'm hoping we will by the end of June/early July. And if he gets it, he'll probably be restationed again this winter. Any decisions about moving will have to wait until then.
I'll have to give some thought to your point about not pushing for too much too quickly. I'm torn on that one because I know it's common DB advice, but holding back has always been my MO in this R. Our pattern has been to protect ourselves against each other, and as the last 3 years has shown, H won't come after me if I pull away. To him that's a sure sign that I don't want him, and he's not going to risk getting hurt. I think my best bet is to let my guard down and be honest about my vulnerability. If he's going to hurt me, he's going to hurt me the same whether my guard is up or down.
That being said...I do think it's best not to push for resolution to our living situation during his leave. He doesn't know how long he'll be at his new unit, and now that he's closer we will hopefully have more opportunities to address that better in the future.
So have you relocated yet? You took the promotion and stayed in for a while, didn't you?
Hi Opti, To clarify on the pushing, I didn't mean to sound that you should be distant but more like not being too available or desperate. Show there is some interest but then pull away just a bit and see if he'll take a small step forward.
Good luck with making the visits work, think of it like the phone calls, if you have to make more trips up his way at first, don't keep score, he could come around like with the phone calls.
As for me, still in HI for another nine days, then two weeks in CO to visit D19 and test the waters w/xw, thinking of just going for it, only get out that way once a year but she has already talked about coming out to visit us in NJ later in the summer. What do you make of that? Anyway, turning down Chief was just too hard to do; the money, the retirement, and even how people treat me differently is something, even the 0-6s and above. So we'll get to NJ in July and give that a try for a couple of years. Sure will miss HI though. Take it easy, RonJon
RonJon- Congrats on your decision to take Chief! I know it's a whole new world. Not like E-4 to E-5 or anything. I know it would make a big impact on H's professional life and self-esteem. He's been in for 17 years, he would make a good Chief. But he's in a slow moving rate.
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...then two weeks in CO to visit D19 and test the waters w/xw, thinking of just going for it,
I guess I don't see that you have anything to lose. If you still feel like there might be a chance and you want that chance, then take it. In my mind, the worst that could happen is that she gives you mixed signals. For example, she accepts your advances, then later rejects them, then maybe some more back and forth. Then you leave, none the wiser to her intentions/desires for a future. I guess you won't be any worse off. But don't forget to check out the ladies in NJ!
As far as me being too available or desperate...I frequently feel like I am putting our whole situation in H's hands and taking no control. I don't feel like I'm that way with him in person, but when it comes to waiting for this M to work out in the long run, I sure feel like that a lot. Not sure what to do about that.
I know I have choices. If H will not agree to us living with him, I know that I am going to ask that H continue to send the same financial support until I get a better paying job and the house sells and put it in writing for a divorce mediator/lawyer. That's so that I can emotionally move on from the M without the fear of being on the streets or back in my mother's house. But I still don't feel very "empowered" by the situation. I don't like feeling like I'm begging my H to put up with living with me. I'm not a horrible freak, for god's sake. It's not exactly candy for the self-esteem.
