kikisum: So very sorry to hear about your situation. I'd like to say I'm shocked, but when you weren't around for a while, I figured either things were *great* or they were *terrible*. Sorry it was the latter. I didn't know you had a new thread...I'll catch up with you there.
alamogirl: I think you should be concerned about your attorney not being available. It sounds like your STBXH is ready to move. If the D is what you want (for all intents and purposes at this point), he might be in a good position to bargain (since he seems to want the D right now). If that's not what you want, the "my atty. is out of the country" is a good excuse to postpone.
You are also right about courts and what people think of them. I doubt most of the talking heads are right because few have first-hand experience. Some have said I should "take her to the cleaners", but that's not the kind of person I am (or want to be) and the courts no longer care if she cheated and left. Others warn me to be careful that she doesn't "clean me out", but I doubt that happens as often as is claimed (though the courts remain...and unfairly at that...more sympathetic to women than men in general).
All I want is my fair share (or at least relatively close to it) and to be rid of her. I'll agree to whatever is reasonable and allows me to put out the trash once and for all and as quickly as possible.
everyone: Wow, this is the most activity I've seen on my thread for a while. When you come into this community, it seems you kind of connect with others who are at your same place at that time and you kind of progress together. Most of the folks I came in with, so to speak, seem to be facing the end of the road now. It leaves me sad for them...for me...for the whole rotten mess.
I'm sure there are success stories around, but when I look for them, I find very few that are recent (most...it seems...are years old). I agree with Michele that it is possible for one person to stop the downward spiral of a disintegrating marriage, but I do not agree that one can stop a divorce that's already in play. While the LRT may be the only hope one has, it is a slim one at best. *Both* people in the marriage have to want to work on it and while one of them can make the process easier or more difficult, at the end of the day, it really can't be accomplished without the involvement of both.
I think many of us (I use that term for the many folks here I've come to know who seem to be in the same place...IWMIW, MWHGC, kiki, alamogirl, SR, BT, etc.), this ugly reality is now showing itself. I'd guess that for most of us, our WAS's don't really want us or the M unless it is on their terms and their terms alone. An M just can't be successful under those conditions so either one is forced into the D up front because of that knowledge or you cave for a time until you can't anymore and the D then comes into play.
For me, I have had a moment of clarity (and also my fill). I am through with my WAW and my M and am full steam ahead for the D. I have bent over backwards, held my tongue, been fair to a fault, offered every opportunity to reconcile, and been willing to engage in frank discussions over the situation. In return, I have been disrespected, mistrusted, and rejected.
I am through with this! I deserve better treatment. But even if I can't find another who will treat me with some respect, I can at least get rid of the thorn that now impales my side. I have realized that the only thing my cheating, lying, no-good, selfish, narcissistic, self-obsessed, ungrateful WAW now represents to me is a pain. She does as she wants without regard for me. She complains about everything she doesn't think is going exactly the way she wants. In short, she has made every interaction with her painful, annoying, and/or unpleasant. How do you deal with a person like that? Like you would any other that you knew who treated you so shabbily...you get away from them.
And that is what I am doing. I pray the D will be quick and I can get the #&*$! away from her as quickly as possible and begin the second half of my life. To make this happen faster, I'm even offering her 40% of the assets (she only brought in 32% of the income).
Don't get me wrong. I am still sad for what was lost and I still grieve over the death of my wonderful wife (I say that because she has said the "old me" is dead). She was a warm, caring, loving, unselfish person who warmed everyone with her smile and made friends of all she knew. But as she has said, that person is dead. While the body remains intact, the person is now different and I no longer operate under the illusion that reconciling with the person she is now will return to me the person she once was.
So sing it, fat lady. Your aria will be music to my ears.
