I have noticed that my focus on H is something that I've had for a very long time.
It has taken me nearly two years of separation to realize this. I had had inklings before now, but had never really put it all together. One thing that I realized very shortly after H left was that we needed the separation b/c our R at that point had gotten so toxic that we needed time apart to heal as individuals. Sadly, it seems that he has not taken the same route as I have - that of looking inside himself. But that brings me to my more important realization ~ I have no control over that. Obvious, isn't it? Yet so hard for me to grasp.
I recreated the M my parents' have, which is not a good one. What I learned from my father is that men are distant, unemotional, easy to anger, and that you have to work hard to get their love and attention. My H was all those things, except w/o the bad temper; instead, he was passive/aggressive.
From my mother, I learned that you have to pussyfoot around your H and make sure he's content, don't rock the boat, blame your misery on your circumstances and play the martyr. Interestingly, my mother has changed and now, at 67, really does have her own life, and is much happier.
Well, you and I are on a similar wavelength and timeframe it seems. It took me two years to come to some similar realizations, and like you, I see my M as copying my parents' in some ways.
The good news for me in reading your post was the remark about your mom--that is so hopeful that she did ultimately GAL.
You sound really well. Reflective but not sad. I'm glad for you.
