Hopeful Happiness

[nara]

Everyone needs an ounce of hope...why else are we here but to try and save what is precious to us? We all deserve to be happy with the people we love.

Hope you're doing much better, Nicola.

[Matilda2]

This has been an uplifting thread to read....just what I needed today! Nicola, you WILL get to that point of happiness....me, too! I am hopeful that it's sooner rather than later.

[princess_nic]

Steve~ What a great post, thank you.

I so appreciate everyone's support as I take the steps I need to at this point.

Journaling~

I've been taking a break from writing on my own thread, which I think is a good thing. I tend to focus way too much on H and his new R.

I have been busy, but now that work is done for a few months (mostly, just some prep now), I can think of other things and do some projects I've had in mind. However, that's not what I want to write about today.

I have noticed that my focus on H is something that I've had for a very long time. During the beginning of our M, I focused on him almost exclusively, very little on myself. Then came my daughter, and my focus was on her. As she got older, it shifted to her and H, then to my son when he was born. The one constant here was that my husband's actions and feelings were always on my radar, and took on greater importance than my own wants/needs/desires.

It has taken me nearly two years of separation to realize this. I had had inklings before now, but had never really put it all together. One thing that I realized very shortly after H left was that we needed the separation b/c our R at that point had gotten so toxic that we needed time apart to heal as individuals. Sadly, it seems that he has not taken the same route as I have - that of looking inside himself. But that brings me to my more important realization ~ I have no control over that. Obvious, isn't it? Yet so hard for me to grasp.

When I read DR, I realized that I had been looking for my M to improve so that I could be happy, instead of finding my own happiness first. My happiness was entirely dependent on my R with H - a recipe for disaster.

I recreated the M my parents' have, which is not a good one. What I learned from my father is that men are distant, unemotional, easy to anger, and that you have to work hard to get their love and attention. My H was all those things, except w/o the bad temper; instead, he was passive/aggressive.

From my mother, I learned that you have to pussyfoot around your H and make sure he's content, don't rock the boat, blame your misery on your circumstances and play the martyr. Interestingly, my mother has changed and now, at 67, really does have her own life, and is much happier.

My grandparents were very much like that too. The pattern is clear, and it's up to me to break it.

I am certainly not blaming my parents - they gave me that model, but I chose not to ignore the fact that it wasn't working. I continued to tell myself that my H was very different from my father b/c he didn't yell and break things, or call me stupid. But he wasn't different. He ignored me, just like my dad, and put me down in subtler ways. And I let him. I said nothing. In later years, I would occasionally berate him for being hungover, but then would put on the martyr act. Did it work? No. Did I change? No.

I am not blaming myself alone for the demise of my marriage. My H did a lot of things that destroyed it. If I were to put them on a scale, he probably did more, but that does not absolve me of responsibility.

The most important lesson I've learned in all this is that I can only control myself. How many times have we heard that? But how hard it is to really internalize it, to make the changes permanent.

My challenge lately is that I don't like the way my H is treating my children; I think he is breaking down the tenuous R he only began to build after he left. But that is HIS R with HIS children; only he can decide how important it is to him. Sometimes I worry that my children will suffer from having him as a role model, as my brother and I suffered from having our father as a male role model, but I can still model for them what a person of character is, regardless of gender.

If I am honest, I can say that - as long as I'm not thinking of stbx and his gf - I am happy, happier than I have been in a good many years, consistently. It has been a long time, several years, that I have had more than brief glimpses of contentment.

I do not blame H or my M for that; rather, I recognize that I did not have the knowledge or tools to create that for myself. And now I do.

That is the greatest blessing of this trial.

Thank you, God, for knowing what I needed, and for pushing me - kicking and screaming - onto this path.

Love to you all,
Nicola

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Nicola,

Wow, I had some similar thoughts today which I posted on my thread. I find that we never stop learning and mostly do so when we really take the time to internalize and look at our life and ourselves.

Like you, I thought my parents' M was normal and while I too thought that my H was different than my F, he was just as abusive only verbally where my F was pysically abusive towards my M; abusive just the same.

I am not blaming myself alone for the demise of my marriage. My H did a lot of things that destroyed it. If I were to put them on a scale, he probably did more, but that does not absolve me of responsibility.

You are not alone. No matter how big or small a part, we all are responsible for ours.

The most important lesson I've learned in all this is that I can only control myself. How many times have we heard that? But how hard it is to really internalize it, to make the changes permanent.

For those of us who were accused of being controlling, this was definitely a difficult task but when we come to really understand it, you have a sense of freedom once the burden has been lifted.

If I am honest, I can say that - as long as I'm not thinking of stbx and his gf - I am happy, happier than I have been in a good many years, consistently. It has been a long time, several years, that I have had more than brief glimpses of contentment.

Once we change the focus from WAS to us, we learn who we really are, what we can be, what we can do and what we can have. This is all within our power.

I do not blame H or my M for that; rather, I recognize that I did not have the knowledge or tools to create that for myself. And now I do. That is the greatest blessing of this trial.

Amen.

You sound so strong and know that you are moving in the right direction.

BTW, My boys and their Dad are out your way for the race this weekend. You taking part? Sounds like a real fun and happening place to be.

Hugs to you,
ISLH

[princess_nic]

ISLH ~

Funny you should ask! I have never had anything to do with it (too many people), but this year, I decided it would be a good GAL activity. The race itself is too expensive for me - I'm just not that interested. But yesterday, I took the kids downtown for some of the activities related to it.

We even got to do a race simulation! D and S sat in one car, and I sat in another, and we raced each other on a big screen. It was hard! The car is specially made to simulate a real race car. I have some pics on my myspace.

We also got tons of free stuff from the car makers and others there. Even D10 had a good time.

Next year, we will go to the street where all the really fancy cars park for the weekend - the Ferraris, Maserattis, etc.

Hope your boys have fun!

I have to run now ~ concert tonight and I have to be there for warm-up in 15 minutes!

[ACJ]

Nicola I can whole heartedly echo your sentiments here except that my parents have a wonderul M. Yes my mum shouts a lot but my dad is so patient with her and they definately are still very much in love. They do everything together (although they do have their own space too). My biggest regret is that I did not manage to emulate what they have.

The biggest difference between my H and my dad is that my dad had 8 sisters and H had none. My dad learned from a very early age (only two of his sisters were younger than him) the ways in which women are different to men and he learned to adapt to that. Even more amazing is that my grandfather left when my dad was 3. Apparently he was a drunk and a wife beater. He left my grandmother with 15 children (although she gave birth to 18) and had at least 2 by his mistress. I never met him, they never got D because it wasn't the done thing (and my grandma couldn't afford it) and his name was never mentioned. My dad and his siblings respected their mother so much that when she decreed that none of her grandchildren were to have the same first initial and surname as her husband (so mainly the grandkids from her seven sons)they all obeyed her. My dad was even expected to pick up his younger sisters from dances even after he got M and he did it without any complaints. She was not a control freak, she was the most beautiful and kind hearted woman I have ever met and I still miss her a lot even though she has been dead for over 30 yrs.

Nicola you and I have similar issues but in our own time we will get there.

[I_Still_Love_Him]

ACJ

The biggest difference between my H and my dad is that my dad had 8 sisters and H had none. My dad learned from a very early age (only two of his sisters were younger than him) the ways in which women are different to men and he learned to adapt to that.

That is a good observation. I sometimes wonder if my H had any sisters whether he would be more understanding of women since he nor any of his brothers have been able to keep any sustainable R (ours being the longest). The only female influence was their mother

[amd]

Hey babe! Trying to catch up with you. Sending you lots of hugs.

[almosthopeful]

Hey nic,

I have noticed that my focus on H is something that I've had for a very long time.

It has taken me nearly two years of separation to realize this. I had had inklings before now, but had never really put it all together. One thing that I realized very shortly after H left was that we needed the separation b/c our R at that point had gotten so toxic that we needed time apart to heal as individuals. Sadly, it seems that he has not taken the same route as I have - that of looking inside himself. But that brings me to my more important realization ~ I have no control over that. Obvious, isn't it? Yet so hard for me to grasp.

I recreated the M my parents' have, which is not a good one. What I learned from my father is that men are distant, unemotional, easy to anger, and that you have to work hard to get their love and attention. My H was all those things, except w/o the bad temper; instead, he was passive/aggressive.

From my mother, I learned that you have to pussyfoot around your H and make sure he's content, don't rock the boat, blame your misery on your circumstances and play the martyr. Interestingly, my mother has changed and now, at 67, really does have her own life, and is much happier.

Well, you and I are on a similar wavelength and timeframe it seems. It took me two years to come to some similar realizations, and like you, I see my M as copying my parents' in some ways.

The good news for me in reading your post was the remark about your mom--that is so hopeful that she did ultimately GAL.

You sound really well. Reflective but not sad. I'm glad for you.

Hugs.
AH

[COG]

Nic,

The one constant here was that my husband's actions and feelings were always on my radar, and took on greater importance than my own wants/needs/desires.

Very common, especially among us that have the tendency to want to be in control. It's very healthy that you recognize that, and never too late to change. Your kid's, and future man, will love you for it.

But that brings me to my more important realization ~ I have no control over that.

Letting go was one of the healthiest things that I had to learn. There is such peace and fulfillment in acceptance. It's so nice to not have to get frustrated if W is moody, or the car won't start, or people don't act like I want them to. I still get a little frustrated sometimes, but NOTHING like I used to.

When I read DR, I realized that I had been looking for my M to improve so that I could be happy, instead of finding my own happiness first. My happiness was entirely dependent on my R with H - a recipe for disaster.

Wow Nicola, that realization will take you miles forward. You really have to take care of yourself first. If we're not fulfilled and happy in our own skin, our own life as an individual, and spiritually, then we'll just make the people around us miserable. That's what my W really needed, and I had been more of an obstacle than a help.

Sometimes I worry that my children will suffer from having him as a role model

I think it would serve you and your kid's well to be honest with them. Tell them that their dad loves them dearly, and he's a good man, but he just did'nt have very good training as a H, God bless him. Then teach them what a good H looks like, and better yet, show them one that you know. I guess my point is that they can learn from other sources.

God Bless you Nicola you are on the right track. Use this struggle to grow, heal, and improve yourself. Trust God, let go, and someday you'll be blessed beyond what you can imagine.

Take Care!

Love,

COG