Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[ourcrisis]

HB, glad to hear that you are doing OK. I can read from the posts that you are staying strong.
i agree that sometimes h needs to hit bottom, to be with OW before coming back. Mine came back quickly, which in a sense is good. HOWEVER, I really wished (somewhat) that he came back later. One statement he made was, "If I stayed out any longer, I may be gone forever." Even though I know he came back for the family, and at least some part he came back for me and me only; at the same time, I sensed that the memory he had (OW, And just the fun of being single and carefree) will be deep and wonderful in his mind. It won't be like some others' sitch where the OW story turned sour and h came back knowing M and wife is the BEST. Mine probably will always have some doubt of "what ifs".
I think you are detaching, but I think h's still hanging out with you all too much. He needs to see life without you. This is of course risky. He may realize that life without you is miserable and boring, etc. if he is coming out from his craziness. Or if he is still in his crazy mode, (or if truly he thinks M is loveless), he will be OK and be gone. I think the key is "was there enough good foundation and love in the M during all these years, and have you DB'd enough the past months that he will have very good memories while he is separated from you?" If there is, there is a good chance he will come back. I know my h pretty much decided to come back before he left to be "alone" with OW (for what reasons? i have yet to find out). So I had laid enough foundation beforehand.
Your h said M is "loveless". Are there specific things that you can figure out why it is "loveless"? (may be always putting the kids first instead of him, or never giving him a kiss in the morning, or not saying thank you enough for things he does, share his joy when he spend money on that expensive boy toy instead of blaming him, can be anything). If you can figure out, change that. I started giving h tea when he is on the computer (rather than the other way around, ha ha), saying tons of thank you for things he does rather than taking it for granted, just concentrate on doing fun things with him and not worry about my 10 page long "to do" list.
HB, you are really strong. i can't say enough of that. Take care.