Update from the lurker:

Hi All,

I have once again dropped off from my own thread. I notice this happens when I am really trying to figure things out.

Geesh, before my trip to Asia, I wrote a few emails that I realize now were pretty judgemental ... at the very least : preachy.

It had to happen. I don't regret it (weeeelllll, maybe a little ), I do beleive everything happens for a reason.

Some things that have occurred:

my sis still is not in contact with me.

my mom and I had a talk about the sitch. (We never talk about it.) It was a huge breakthrough for me . I did not expalin my reasons for not getting a divorce yet except to say that I had to do what I beleived in and that only I had to walk in my shoes. She was doing the usual guilt and manipulation thing but I was detached and sweet. BIG step for me! Usually I get pulled into the drama.

i realized that though I have always said I trusted my H and gave him so much freedom in the R, I realize now that I gave him freedom to go out etc etc but I held him close mentally through guilt and subtle threats of what was right and wrong. (I get now that is what my mom and sis do as well...including with me. ) huge things to understand about myself.

I realize that I have been doing a lot of the shutting out in the H sitch. I see now how ever since a kid I would close down like that to beat peopel to the punch.

I have gotten into Byron Katie's The Work and Barry Kaufman's Options approach... 2 great techniques for questions beliefs.

I have been looking at the beleifs behind my pushing so hard against my Hs life and friends. I have always done this and it is not good for him and even more: it is terrible for me. I give them so much power. My H keeps wanting me to connect with them. I realize that until I can accept them our sitch cant improve: they are what he has created for himself on his own. they are people who love him and who he can take care of. (Yes, not healthy relationships... but I was thinking, probably all he can manage right now.) THey are that other part of him: the imperfect."bad" part that he always felt I would not accept.

Amazing , in all of this, I always come back to me and working on my beliefs and fears.

sigh

brava

Me: 36
He: 34
no kids
Married: 2000
He left: July 05