NikkiB #16

[NikB]

Oldtimer, Ellie, ST, thanks!!

OT
In my defense on #1... I actually didn't MAKE the plans til the last minute. I decided at around 4:30, got ready and left at 5 and called as soon as I left. But I do see your point, and I should probably have called to run it by him BEFORE deciding so we could clarify timelines and such.

Thanks for helping me see the "story" more clearly. I actually think #2 and #3 have been going on for awhile. It was more obvious and dramatic on Friday, but something has been "off" for a couple of weeks. At first I was blaming myself thinking it coincided with my blowing up about the calls to PW, but in hindsight I think whatever "it" was happened a few days or maybe a week before that and likely didn't even involve me. And also in hindsight I think I "felt" the distance but didn't recognize that's what I was feeling, reacted by snooping and then flipping out on H about the "symptom" (the calls) rather than talking to him about the actual issue, the distance I was feeling.

You're right that I'm most likely willing to let whatever it was go. I might get an honest answer, but if it follows his pattern lately I'd get a semi-honest answer followed by a lot of justifications why it's not wrong. Given those two things I think it may not do me much good to ask about it, but I will have to think about it more. I like the way you phrased it.

Ellie
That's a good point. I am a little hesitant on the telling him what he's feeling (that he's afraid of seeing my hurt) - but I think I can say something like that, if I do bring it up. Or point out that it's hurting me either way, but I deserve to know since it is affecting my life and may affect my decisions.

ST
I agree that it's some kind of stress he's taking out on me (or at least, wanting distance from me again as a result of it). Based on the way he talked about it I think it's something very specific that happened as opposed to a general anxiety, depression, stress, etc. that's been building. I would think it was related to my dad's health issue but I think it was longer ago.

Yeah, I think those anxiety attacks are my body's way of forcing the stress to the surface. Guess it's not really possible to bury it, just different ways to let it out!

Thank you for the reminder to focus on me, especially that confidence piece. That's a big one.

A small part of me is considering going to that party on Friday (the one PW might show up at). What a huge boost that would be if I could get the strength up to be cool, confident, fun, sexy, outgoing and really shine even in that situation (it's the "if" that scares me!). I also realize that it goes against my boundary of no social contact with PW.. but since that contact is happening anyway... maybe it's another angle to approach it from. Any thoughts? Even if you just want to say "You're crazy!" go for it..

Feeling a lot better today, thank goodness.