OK, so today went really well. I decided that I wasn't sure how good it would be to have lunch here, so we went to a local restaurant and had cake and presents at the park. Everyone seemed happy, and even though H was anxious about a new work situation starting tomorrow, he was more calm with me than he has been.
Afterwards, he asked me to step away from where the boys were so we could talk a bit. He then told me how sorry he was that our situation made it not an automatic that he would be with me for the colonoscopy. (I had decided to ask a girlfriend to help me out, in part so he would have that space he so desperately seems to want, and in part b/c I decided to do this alone.) He even offered to help out in any way I might need, and brought up how we had gone through so many of these "outpatient" experiences together (starting with my wisdom teeth extraction when I was 24!). I think that's the first time he's voiced any regret at what we are doing right now. It's the first event that we used to always be there for each other that we won't be, and maybe that's making the difference. I didn't change my plans but I thanked him for the support. Who knows, maybe I'm doing better going dark than I supposed?!
This morning, too, I found myself considering that a future I'd love to see for myself would be traveling around the world and working in various cool locations. I got to thinking how during these next five years when S2 is still in school, I could be working my career to be such that I could "take it on the road" about the time S2 goes to college. The wild thing about the thinking is that it would be me alone, since H has always loved being home more than anything else. It's exciting and scary to think of a potential future that would work better w/o H than w/ him.
I'm not giving up on DBing, but I'm surprising myself at the feelings I'm allowing me to have. Maybe this is one of those things I have denied myself in order to be in this marriage.
Hmmm. Anyway, hope things are going well there in SC.
