NikkiB #16

[NikB]

ST, cliffy, whatisis - thanks for checking in

ST - whoops, you're right, thanks for mentioning that. Whatisis - thanks for the book recommendation!

Cliffy - yeah, definitely trouble letting go, and it seems trouble not being sucked right back in too. Ugh. All I keep thinking is "NOT AGAIN."

Before I get into all the H stuff - my dad is doing GREAT!! I can't believe how quickly he's up and around, but I'm thrilled.

So things have continued to get stranger with H...

Friday night I called H to let him know I was on my way to my sis's dance class and he was really caught off guard it seemed like. He said "Oh! I was just leaving happy hour to come home." I said sorry I hadn't told him sooner, he usually stays at happy hour longer so I thought we'd be home around the same time. But he was upbeat, said "no biggie" and told me to have a good time and he'd see me later. Then he asked me to call him after the class so he could join us for dinner.

After class.. called a couple of times, no answer. H called back about 2 hours later and in an almost angry tone told me he'd gone over to his mom's house to show her his race video. We talked a bit about that but he was really short with me - then said he was heading home and was I on the way there. I said yes... he said "see you soon"... got home... and no H. He finally showed up about 90 minutes later fairly drunk (NOT pleased he was driving like that!), dressed up like he was going out, and acting very pissy.

I tried to ignore the negativity and said "Wow you look nice" (positive, upbeat tone). He said "Yeah I thought I might be able to find something to do but no luck. I went to my mom's, it was better than sleeping on the couch." Then in a really snotty tone "But you have to get dressed up, you never know where you might end up." Then he ran through all the people he had called and not called to find something to do (PW was on the "not called" list). I didn't prompt any of this, he just did it.

All night he kept saying these weird, "mysterious" type things alternating with really down, depressed things. It all reminded me VERY much of my H just before and just after the bomb. It was pretty bad. Just as an example he told me about something he had fixed at work and I said "You're so good!" (common phrase for us to say to each other in the good times). He said "Stop saying that. No I'm not. I'm not good at all." I finally decided to just not talk to him at all since he was responding to everything I said so negatively. Focused on the show we were watching instead - then H started on a stream of negative or angry comments related to the show. sheesh!!

I finally said "H I'm worried, you haven't sounded this down in a really long time." He looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about and said almost laughing "Oh really?" I said "Yeah, you seemed like you were pretty happy the last couple of months but the last couple of weeks and especially tonight you seem really down. Did something happen?" He said "Yes" but that he didn't want to tell me any more because it would hurt me. I told him I'd be glad to listen if he wanted to tell me but he said he didn't. Then he said he needed to get back to working on his cars more because it helps him keep his mind straight. During the bomb talk he told me he used the cars to 'escape' from me... then recently talked about how much he loves the excitement of racing... now what? We're back to the cars are only an escape???

(Oldtimer... I can already hear you saying not to "manage" H but I am so confused on that whole thing. One of H's complaints was that I didn't notice or pay attention to his emotional needs so how do I balance that?? Am I getting any better??)

I wish he would tell me what happened so I can stop imagining the worst. But I didn't push him on it. I know that what matters in terms of our M isn't what happened but how it's affecting us, so I'm trying to focus on that instead.

Friday night had a bunch of nightmares and Saturday morning I woke up to a really bad anxiety attack. Yuck. I finally got calmed down and got my hands to "unlock" (I hyperventilate and my hands and whole upper body clench up, it's really scary). During and after the attack H held me. I was just getting back under control when H said "I'm sorry I'm stressing you out." I lost it... ANOTHER anxiety attack... turned into a sobbing mess.

When I could finally talk again I said "H I'm scared." I was going to say more but couldn't talk. H still holding me said "I'm not going anywhere, if that's what you're scared of." I said "You're not?" H said "No, I'm not leaving." (but his tone sounded resigned). I said (attempted jokingly although I don't think I succeeded) "Now I'm scared you're just telling me that to calm me down." He replied (much softer tone) "No, I mean it, I'm not going anywhere."

The rest of the day H seemed back to his old self - happy, upbeat, friendly. It scares the heck out of me that he can either a. switch moods/personalities SO quickly or b. hide his unhappiness so well.

We did our own things separately most of the day, then I went and hung out with him for awhile while he worked on his car. Felt so good and so normal. Later he invited me along to run errands with him, which I did - and thanked him for the invitation, said I had fun running errands together. Last night we went out to dinner and then out to play pool for awhile. I'm terrible at it but it was still fun.

I am now officially even MORE confused than I was when the bomb dropped, I think.