hi OF- just cheking in on you. i'm back lurking too, and my situation is right along side yours. i'm praying for you. i wish everyone on these boards could get together and go to dinner. would be nice.
On or about 22 May, WAH called and said that he wanted to negotiate. He said that if I bought him out (house), he would leave my 401K and retirement alone. I told him to draft something up and I would show it to my lawyer.
In the meantime, I e-mailed my lawyer about other issues, and I told him about the negotiations. My lawyer informed me that he was going out of the country...visiting the Philippines. I don't know if it was pleasure or business.
Recently, I rec'd an e-mail from WAH rescinding his verbal offer. I told him that he was unfair, that these things take time, and I didn't realize that I had a 2-wk deadline. I also told him that my lawyer had been out of the country. (I think WAH's lawyer (or someone) told him to recant on his offer.) I also told him that he was been unfair. Then he replied to me saying that I was the one who was unfair because he had wanted to negotiate since he filed for divorce.
I think the STBX is really flipping out. When he filed, we were still pretty friendly. I was still hoping for a reconciliation. There was never any discussions about negotiations until recently. I didn't bother to response.
He then told me that we had a 3 Jul court date. I called and e-mailed my lawyer. I still haven't heard anything from him. I'm getting a tad worried. A few days ago, STBX e-mailed me and told me that he was willing to negotiate (again) but through our lawyers. DUH! Did he actually think that I was going to do it alone! I still haven't responded.
I was also worried that our divorce date was going to be the same date as our wedding anniversary, which is 16 Jul.
On to another topic but same subject...I know people mean well, but I really don't like "well-meaning" people who think that I'm just taking it all laying down. Texas is a community-property state and a no-fault state. People think it's so easy to snap my fingers, and my lawyer will work it out so that my WAH gets nada. I wish that were the case, but it's not going to happen. There is always someone who knows someone who didn't get anything through the divorce. My lawyer said not to pay attention to those people because IF that's the case, there is probably more to that someone's case.
I'm glad I haven't told many people because I don't think I could stand everyone telling me how to run my divorce.
Anyhoo...I hope you are feeling better, and there is nothing wrong in feeling sad and crying about our loss. Divorce is a bigger step than marriage...it's an end to what was and what could have been. No matter how bad a marriage is, and I'm certainly not implying that yours was bad (or mine), divorce is very traumatic. I sure hope that I don't have to go to court because like you, I'm afraid of losing it :-(.
All my best, alamogirl
Me - 48 (at time of 1st bomb) H - 43 married - 16 Jul 94 no children 1st bomb - (said he was leaving) - 3 Jun 06 2nd bomb (said he was ready to file) - 10 Nov 06 H filed divorce - 17 Nov 06 Divorce finalized - 20 Jul 07
I know people mean well, but I really don't like "well-meaning" people who think that I'm just taking it all laying down. Texas is a community-property state and a no-fault state. People think it's so easy to snap my fingers, and my lawyer will work it out so that my WAH gets nada.
Not to hijack, but this is the same here in Alabama and we are not even a community property state. Equitable adjustment means just that - and from a court view 50 -50 is the starting point. The property division is not a punishment tool as much as some folks want it to be. Hop over to my thread and you can see the same type of settlement discussions. The 401k is a biggie and personal but it is "community" property nevertheless since both "contributed" to it per the family budget.
I've been reading and following along. I am usually in the MLC forum but like many, actually most, I am awaiting the finalization of my D.
I understand completely when you say you don't appreciate other peoples opinions on how to handle your D. On top of the awful pain and sadness of this terrible event, people make it seem like it's so easy to take your spouse for everything especially if they were in the "wrong".
I say this because I've had my share of people that think because my STBXH went off with ow and lied for over 2 years, that I should be able to get everything I want. Unfortunately the courts in my state don't agree.
Even though I have things in my favor, (M-22 yrs, 3 kids, many yrs. stay at home mom, etc.) I am terribly afraid to go to court. The courts don't place much weight on adultery anymore.
Besides I like many of those on these BB's just want to get past this horrible torture they call divorce. I can't imagine much worse than this.
I will be praying for all of us who are suffering through an unwanted divorce.
I appreciate your comments. I'll check out your thread.
Hi hopeful,
I appreciate your comments as well. It's really frustrating when so-called "friends" say things like, "Don't be stupid." Most of these people weren't married long enough, so they didn't have any rights to each other's earnings.
I know this sounds really really stupid, but sometimes I even find myself defending WAH when people start calling him names. I know he's an inconsiderate, back-stabbing, #@$*@!#^& jerk...ha!
I look forward to the day when it will all be behind me. I, too, pray for everyone on these boards.
All my best, alamogirl
Me - 48 (at time of 1st bomb) H - 43 married - 16 Jul 94 no children 1st bomb - (said he was leaving) - 3 Jun 06 2nd bomb (said he was ready to file) - 10 Nov 06 H filed divorce - 17 Nov 06 Divorce finalized - 20 Jul 07
kikisum: So very sorry to hear about your situation. I'd like to say I'm shocked, but when you weren't around for a while, I figured either things were *great* or they were *terrible*. Sorry it was the latter. I didn't know you had a new thread...I'll catch up with you there.
alamogirl: I think you should be concerned about your attorney not being available. It sounds like your STBXH is ready to move. If the D is what you want (for all intents and purposes at this point), he might be in a good position to bargain (since he seems to want the D right now). If that's not what you want, the "my atty. is out of the country" is a good excuse to postpone.
You are also right about courts and what people think of them. I doubt most of the talking heads are right because few have first-hand experience. Some have said I should "take her to the cleaners", but that's not the kind of person I am (or want to be) and the courts no longer care if she cheated and left. Others warn me to be careful that she doesn't "clean me out", but I doubt that happens as often as is claimed (though the courts remain...and unfairly at that...more sympathetic to women than men in general).
All I want is my fair share (or at least relatively close to it) and to be rid of her. I'll agree to whatever is reasonable and allows me to put out the trash once and for all and as quickly as possible.
everyone: Wow, this is the most activity I've seen on my thread for a while. When you come into this community, it seems you kind of connect with others who are at your same place at that time and you kind of progress together. Most of the folks I came in with, so to speak, seem to be facing the end of the road now. It leaves me sad for them...for me...for the whole rotten mess.
I'm sure there are success stories around, but when I look for them, I find very few that are recent (most...it seems...are years old). I agree with Michele that it is possible for one person to stop the downward spiral of a disintegrating marriage, but I do not agree that one can stop a divorce that's already in play. While the LRT may be the only hope one has, it is a slim one at best. *Both* people in the marriage have to want to work on it and while one of them can make the process easier or more difficult, at the end of the day, it really can't be accomplished without the involvement of both.
I think many of us (I use that term for the many folks here I've come to know who seem to be in the same place...IWMIW, MWHGC, kiki, alamogirl, SR, BT, etc.), this ugly reality is now showing itself. I'd guess that for most of us, our WAS's don't really want us or the M unless it is on their terms and their terms alone. An M just can't be successful under those conditions so either one is forced into the D up front because of that knowledge or you cave for a time until you can't anymore and the D then comes into play.
For me, I have had a moment of clarity (and also my fill). I am through with my WAW and my M and am full steam ahead for the D. I have bent over backwards, held my tongue, been fair to a fault, offered every opportunity to reconcile, and been willing to engage in frank discussions over the situation. In return, I have been disrespected, mistrusted, and rejected.
I am through with this! I deserve better treatment. But even if I can't find another who will treat me with some respect, I can at least get rid of the thorn that now impales my side. I have realized that the only thing my cheating, lying, no-good, selfish, narcissistic, self-obsessed, ungrateful WAW now represents to me is a pain. She does as she wants without regard for me. She complains about everything she doesn't think is going exactly the way she wants. In short, she has made every interaction with her painful, annoying, and/or unpleasant. How do you deal with a person like that? Like you would any other that you knew who treated you so shabbily...you get away from them.
And that is what I am doing. I pray the D will be quick and I can get the #&*$! away from her as quickly as possible and begin the second half of my life. To make this happen faster, I'm even offering her 40% of the assets (she only brought in 32% of the income).
Don't get me wrong. I am still sad for what was lost and I still grieve over the death of my wonderful wife (I say that because she has said the "old me" is dead). She was a warm, caring, loving, unselfish person who warmed everyone with her smile and made friends of all she knew. But as she has said, that person is dead. While the body remains intact, the person is now different and I no longer operate under the illusion that reconciling with the person she is now will return to me the person she once was.
So sing it, fat lady. Your aria will be music to my ears.
Old Fool, I felt a little down this morning until I read your post. Yes, you hit the nail on the head, especially the points about stopping a D that is already in play and how *they* only represent pain now.
At first we have hope b/c I believe that is healthy. We need to go down this road b/c it is a road of discovery. No, I don't sign up to the almost BS point that we have "become better people". No, we have become *aware* people and that is good and that is why the trial is important.
But just as important is knowing when to move on for real. So many stay here, hanging on for years. They call it MLC or their partners sick. What I see is their self-esteem slowly being destroyed.
Thanks for the kind words. It looks like we'll probably be able to settle on things without getting into a court fight. That should mean I'm free by mid-August. The hole in my heart she once filled will remain with me always, but I am relishing the thought of finding someone who values me.
Sorry to hear your status, but on the other hand, and I very happy to hear that you also have made a choice. There are times for everyone I believe that there is nothing that we can do, the WAS will drive the LBS to D. Maybe that is just something that needs to occur sometimes. I know that in my situation, it did. If there was any way to reconcile in the future, this was something that she needed and that I needed to try to fix it. I gave it my shot, and when the time was right, where I think you are at now, you come to accept it, hold your head up high, and move on with your life.
I for one, am proud to say that I tried!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Not much has been happening. Attorney's are on vacation so we wait. Once they're back, I expect we'll go over a few details, re-mortgage the house in my name, and wait for the final papers. It seems a rather anti-climatic end to something that started out so wonderful.
I wish more than anything we could somehow put it together...but I know that can't happen. So I look forward to being done with it and being free to move on (not only emotionally, but financially, physically, etc.). I guess I've moved to a different place now...at least mentally. I'm nearly as sad about having to lose the 4.25% interest rate on my mortgage as I am about losing my wife. You can always find another woman...but a 4.25% interest rate comes along only once in a lifetime!
