Nicky, glad you bumped this b/c I don't get a lot of browsing time and missed it. Interesting thread, hf.
One theory I have is that people follow patterns in w/drawal that they've learned from other times in life or from examples. My H's parents had a nasty D and pretty much never communicated after that (unless over later legal issues) and only ever saw each other at their kids' weddings. H has pushed me away ever since the bomb (3+ years ago) -- looking back over the years I can see that almost every contact since then was initiated by me or was b/c he wanted something (note that we had no kids). Once he got the D (which luckily wasn't nasty) he stopped all contact (a number of months now). It's easy to believe I'll never see him again unless we bump into each other at some IL family thing.
Possibly the ADs H has been on for a condition he was diagnosed w/ many years ago made the complete disengagement from me easier. I don't have much of a window into his level of w/drawal from others but it at least includes me, my family and some former colleagues and has gone on for years. I don't ask ILs about him but hear every now and then that he's visited so I don't think the w/drawal has been universal, just from those he decided he didn't need in his life anymore. I know some go thru a complete w/drawal that signals progress of sorts but I also believe some never do.
Also I also don't want to discourage anyone too much about As, but if it's w/ a gf from school days there's already a bond there so it's a different story. My H has settled down w/ his and they've been together 2+ years now (possibly they are M now or will be soon, though no one has told me). The first A he had when he dropped the bomb was w/ a very young co-worker and lasted about half a year, I do think that May-December thing is harder to sustain.
