I realize the place that my feelings are right now are not heading in a place which is DB-ing, which is a place where most of you are . I just feel like I need to rescue my soul from a trap which it was locked in for 24+ years. Does that mean I will choose not to be M anymore? I don't know the answer to that. I do know that I have to continue to free my soul and become a better person, perhaps the person I should be.
I think we are a product of our childhood, and I am deficiently a product of our M. It is so true that we choose our partners based on a lot of the personality traits which our parents have. So in my case I did that and feel some of the characteristics of my parents which made me shy and accepting of situations which were less than ideal continued. When I did not like a situation, I walked away, sulked, definitely did not confront or stick up for myself. This was one of the things which carried on through M. I made gains in confidence through coaching, courses which I took, and lastly my new job. Now with this most unfortunate situation, I feel like I am finally coming out of my shell and have the opportunity to be the person I was meant to be.
Every time there is a flash of anger or little remark from W, it really makes me certain I am on the right path, and do not want to go back to a place where I blindly accept that.
W asked to possibly change vacation plans this summer. I may find at some point in the future I regret this decision but with the way I feel now and with the information I have at this time, it just feels right;
It sounds very much like the kids are not going be able to come with us on our normal vacation. W doesn't like it there if the weather turns etc. I don't like it either if W gets in that state of mind. She suggested we go somewhere else tropical. Ie cruise, mexico. This is fine location wise. It is pretty darn expensive, and I have no saving for this, so it would put me in a negative financial situation for a while. I am uncertain if being alone together for 1-2 weeks would be good or bad. I might vocalize some of my feelings and put a bad spin on our vacation. The other thing which is going to be tough for me, is th last time which we were on a mexico vacation was when she was in the midst of the PA with OM #2 so it may invoke uncomfortable feelings in me, or destructive relationship feelings. That being said I don't have any other alternatives.
