My heart has been completely torn apart

[I_Surrender]

Today's journal
We both went to our respective C sessions yesterday. It sounds like W's was productive. Mine was good, but we have a lot of ground to cover. I love W dearly, but am still 70/30 for D in my mind. I will still dedicate whatever time is necessary to allow C to take it's course.
Her C stated should we get to a place where we are willing to do joint C, she would locate us another C to work with us as a couple. That sounds logical, and I am okay with that.
Through C I decided that pursuing a friendship with a person of the opposite sex however platonic my intentions might be, could be interpreted as retaliatory by W, so I will not do this.

On the GAL front, I started back swim training (x-competitive swimmer) with my club. It's at a fantastic outdoor pool, sunny weather usually, so I really look forward to this. I have been doing a little fitness/weights regimen at work at the gym on our site. I am starting to notice some more muscle definition after a couple weeks, so that is very encouraging. I also have been going jogging sometimes with W.

I was hoping to hook up with a friend I have not socialized with in 20 years, this weekend at a social function we were invited to. This isn't going to happen, as W does not want to go. She said I could go, but it's kind of a girly thing, so I would not enjoy being there alone.

I am functioning a little better at work. I was thinking of initiating a substantial/ambitious personal project (fundraising for a children's charity), which I have been planning for 3 years, but am worried with our marital situation it will cause friction and/or take away valuable time, should I need it.

Overall there are a lot of positives.

[I_Surrender]

Journaling
I know in this process there will be stages of good and bad. W found out at some point that I went to see a lawyer. I did not tell her, because I did not want her to think I was immediately seeking D. It was merely information for me, and a coming to terms of what D would mean financially. I didn't really hide it either, as I left the address on my desk and a whole lot of pamphlets in my night table.
So in W view another secret I was hiding from her. Anyway we talked about it, believing me, may be another thing.
She seems to be wondering what I am doing now in all this weight training. She may think I have ulterior motives, really it's just for me.
She responded to my last email, thinking I was angry when I told her she could go be with OM if you don't want to be with me.
I don't feel angry, at her, maybe it is just acceptance that this marriage is not what I once dreamed it would be, or perhaps will ever be that.

I asked her if W still felt like a prisoner. She said that she did. I asked her what would make her not feel like so much of a prisoner. She did not know.

As things begin to go back into somewhat of a routine, I begin to notice a lot of the things in our R which I wish were not there. I don't think it is fair to ask W to address these things at this time. Unfortunately this also reminds me of the less than perfect things in our M.

Each day W comes home from work, she seems to be angry and frustrated. I don't mind listening to her. I hope it helps her de-stress. It also reminds me of what an angry/unhappy person that she seems to be. Everyone has rough days. They all seem to be rough for her. I find myself more and more, not wanting to be around a person who is that angry. Life is too short for that.

Unfortunately anger sometimes leads to frustration, and W has a mean streak that lends her to saying very hurtful things. I honestly do not think that she realizes how deep it cuts. On the good side W has been reigning this in, somewhat. When she is always angry I seem to put up all these internal guards expecting a hurtful comment, whether it comes or not.

Sex life falls back into the little or none category. I have kind of given up on the day long romancing methods, as all to often W is tired and falls asleep when we go to bed at night. I usually end up frustrated and unable to sleep.
I do not think it is something that W does deliberately. I think we are just two different people. I am a very sexual, giving person. She is much less sexual than I, and prefers that I initiate all the time.

It is so sad to me. These are huge issues, yet may be just a part of her personality which cannot ever be changed. Couple that with our troubles, well...

Well on the flip side, for myself;
I am dedicated to continuing the training and exercise.
Since I am a shy person and I am trying to take steps to be presenting a more positive and outgoing personality. Talking to people out of the blue, trying to be more personable and positive, despite how I can be feeling from time to time inside.
I want to be less distracted at work during the day, and more productive.

Have a nice weekend everyone

[I_Surrender]

Journaling again;

This weekend went well, in fact from the outside on would think it went almost perfectly. We spent the Saturday together at the beach, packed a lunch, snacks, drinks, and got sunburned (both of us.) We went for a walk on another beach Sunday. All in all it was very nice.

Inside I am feeling different. I can't watch a romantic scene on TV without being very uncomfortable. I have to turn it off. I have the same problem listening to songs on the radio. Some songs are upsetting (invoke sadness, moderate anger.)

I think W is trying hard in her way. I owe it to her and us, not to rush. My deep down feelings on this PA have not changed. I don't know if they every will. There is no advantage to rushing into a decision, however.

I also think I owe it to myself to be responsive to my feelings and not to sell myself short. I have to be true to myself this time around as I think that I have not in the past.

Making more progress on the GAL front; I am forcing myself to be more outwardly friendly and talkative to people generally. I am forcing myself to exercise more often, even when I don't feel like it.

Have a good day.

[I_Surrender]

Journal for today

One step forward one step back.

This a.m. I woke up feeling somehow a little closer to W. I had my morning shower, and thought perhaps I should express these feelings to her. I think about it. Am I going through the *I'll do anything / say anything to save my marriage* phase? $crew it, I'll say what I feel, even if it is risky.

I go upstairs to give W a good morning kiss. Complain complain complain. I don't know how someone can wake up in that frame of mind. So that brought me quickly back into reality. All feelings of closeness were quashed in one fell swoop, before I expressed them. (thank goodness)

Is it really one step back or actually two steps back? Anyway back to reality.

[I_Surrender]

Today's journal.

One step forward and another step forward

W is trying hard, I suppose even though I have not been acknowledging this verbally to her, I recognize her effort, and this has had an impact on me.

I came home a bit earlier than W from work and made supper again. I have been making a lot, but am not keeping score. I was hungry and don't mind making supper, especially if the kids are around, then they will come and sit at the table with us for a few minutes while they devour their food!

I still feel anxious if W is delayed from work or is late showing up. She was a little late, but it wasn't as bad a feeling as in the past.

After dinner I was absolutely bagged, I know she dislikes it when I have a nap, so I went in the bath, and had a nap in there. I came upstairs and chatted with her for a bit (admitting I had a nap) at the kitchen table. Certain things happen to us guys when we wake up from a sleep, one thing led to another, and we ended up lovemaking.

We each did separate activities for a couple hours after that. When I came back home I asked to talk about our R before bed. It was a good chat. I explained that I was feeling more positive than last week, however I still feel a need to guard my trust and feelings closely. W talked about things that bothered her, her C sessions, and listened.

I said that I really appreciated the effort she was making in our R. I told her that I felt there would be plenty of ups and downs in the weeks and months to come, so I did not think it was going to always be easy. I think I have serious issues to work through in C for myself, and that it will be a real challenge.

So C for me tonight. It kind of puts a different spin on things, but I do want to deal with some core issues, in regard to my feelings.

[RedHeadWife]

Have you gotten the book "After the Affair?" I just picked it up yesterday and started it, but even though you are in C, it could help w/ some perspective from the A POV. Just a thought.

And, yes, your W can change -- the coming home negative/stressed/taking it out on you, the not wanting to have sex, etc., etc. -- I did it when H dropped the D bomb and am happier for it. Didn't know what I was missing in my M/R by not putting in the effort it takes.

[I_Surrender]

Thanks CM We have the book, I have read about 1/4 of it. W has read less.

The counseling session I went to last night seemed to be okay. Somehow I was expecting a little more advice on how to clearly define my boundaries. For example I seem to be going through a stage, which many of you have or are going through, which makes me feel like I want to do anything to save our marriage, even though I know rationally this is not the case, emotionally my heart wants everything to be the same as it was before the PA. I expected a little more, than "it sounds like you are doing fine."

My healing seems to be based on a combination of things.
Posting here and reading the struggles many of you here are battling through, helps me.
GAL process is helping me. Trying to be more outgoing, positive, starting a new bodybuilding routine on top of my other sports.
Reading articles, both online and in books helps.
The fact that W is trying hard, helps.

All this is very positive. I cannot ignore the fact how much I was hurt. At some point the R will normalize and we will go about our routines. I now have a whole bunch of things on my "wish list" which I had once accepted in our marriage as things which were forever out of reach. Now I want those things. I don't want to continue in a marriage without them.

Sometimes it would be nice to simply close a door and walk away but life is not like that.

[I_Surrender]

So another day another step backwards.

I was being a little klutzy yesterday, knocking a few glasses accidentally down off the kitchen counter (nothing broke fortunately.) I was going to playfully steal a last morsel from W dinner plate and accidentally knocked over my empty glass. She says "F..k (my name) " So I am given a quick flash reminder of her anger and leave the dinner table.

DD came back from her vacation late last night. When she came home from work (just after dinner) she had a gift for me, nothing for W, still not speaking to W. I felt sad when I realized this.

It sparked anger in W. I could not talk to her, so I went away for 1 1/2 hrs to work on a project. I bought her a little stuffed animal and a candy bar on the way home. I hoped it would cheer her up.
Nope.

I won't get into the details but I talked to her late at night. She is angry at me, and angry at DD. No consoling her.

This morning she is still angry. W did not want to hug and kiss goodbye, but I gave her a forced hug anyway.

I am sad for us. W does not realize what her anger means to me.

[I_Surrender]

My goal this weekend is to stay on track with regard to improving myself and not being angry at W. Rather it is my desire to be a good friend to her. I want to do some of my GAL things and get away from her for at least a few hours this weekend.

I don't know why but my eyes noticed a light fixture over the kitchen table, which I realized came from OM #1 (before I knew he was an OM)
I thought today about taking it down and replacing it with something else. I think that I will. Maybe sometime next week. It's a bad reminder for me and I don't want it in our house.

I know I am kind of in a bad place. W's little anger flash the other day, reminded me of things which are wrong in our relationship. I don't want to be 10 years down the road coping with this. W unfortunately has a rather nasty streak. I am somewhat detached so it does not cut through to the heart, as it has in the past, but wow, what a wake up call. Why did I put up with this for so many years?

All the more reason to think things through carefully. I read some articles yesterday on falling out of love? Is that bad, I wonder? Does it indicate what I am doing or just curiosity?

I found one statement in an article yesterday which exactly describes W. It was very helpful to me reading it.
Here is the link
Points 3, 5, 6, & 7 really apply to our sich and maybe a little of 8 too for her.

[I_Surrender]

I realize the place that my feelings are right now are not heading in a place which is DB-ing, which is a place where most of you are . I just feel like I need to rescue my soul from a trap which it was locked in for 24+ years. Does that mean I will choose not to be M anymore? I don't know the answer to that. I do know that I have to continue to free my soul and become a better person, perhaps the person I should be.

I think we are a product of our childhood, and I am deficiently a product of our M. It is so true that we choose our partners based on a lot of the personality traits which our parents have. So in my case I did that and feel some of the characteristics of my parents which made me shy and accepting of situations which were less than ideal continued. When I did not like a situation, I walked away, sulked, definitely did not confront or stick up for myself. This was one of the things which carried on through M. I made gains in confidence through coaching, courses which I took, and lastly my new job. Now with this most unfortunate situation, I feel like I am finally coming out of my shell and have the opportunity to be the person I was meant to be.

Every time there is a flash of anger or little remark from W, it really makes me certain I am on the right path, and do not want to go back to a place where I blindly accept that.

W asked to possibly change vacation plans this summer. I may find at some point in the future I regret this decision but with the way I feel now and with the information I have at this time, it just feels right;

It sounds very much like the kids are not going be able to come with us on our normal vacation. W doesn't like it there if the weather turns etc. I don't like it either if W gets in that state of mind.
She suggested we go somewhere else tropical. Ie cruise, mexico.
This is fine location wise. It is pretty darn expensive, and I have no saving for this, so it would put me in a negative financial situation for a while.
I am uncertain if being alone together for 1-2 weeks would be good or bad. I might vocalize some of my feelings and put a bad spin on our vacation.
The other thing which is going to be tough for me, is th last time which we were on a mexico vacation was when she was in the midst of the PA with OM #2 so it may invoke uncomfortable feelings in me, or destructive relationship feelings.
That being said I don't have any other alternatives.