I just posted to tyler about killing the little "boy" inside us men - but I think the same needs to be done in our venus counterparts sometimes as well.
I look at my W - an ACOA who was very protective of herself - or that inner child. In the past year or so - and through out MC (although I think she could use some good IC) - both of us have released that insecure inner child as best we could - finding the Alpha MAN for me - and the caring, sensitive, feminine but strong woman for her.
In that lies the importance of us leading - and recognizing - without a boyish, needed face their feminity they display. That can perhaps invoke that "insecure" side without us even realizing it. I'll tell you when my W "makes" herself up, I'll acknoledge with a look and sly grin from across the room - when she says "WHAT", I won't say anything. A couple minutes later, I'll walk over, when she isn't looking and kiss her neck, breathe and tell her she looks absolutely stunning - can we stay in tonight.
Anyway, great nugget from OTB - and from Sweden so he must know something...
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Yes OTB's post has completely set me on a new way of thinking. Strangely transformative. I know I've heard similar things before but maybe it was the right time for me to hear it. It brings a much clearer picture of what I need to do and what is happening.
And of course us Swede's are definitely a highly intelligent bunch.
Wow, I haven't look in on you in a long while. Life just moves fast. Things are progressing in my life and I have posted a few updates.
On Mar 24th, I advanced to Brown Belt. What a change in my training. Intense.
I am impresssed as always with your patience. You are awesome and your W knows this deep down. She is exploring her inner self and when she finds what is comfortable, you will reap the rewards.
Well, I thought I'd check in on you. Keep going.
TD
TwinDragon Thread #11-Dragon, flying - evaluating his world.
Well at the time it turns out we were much broker than I thought. I decided that buying her something expensive would do much more harm than good. So I did work on a gift that she loved. Wasn't anything really but I guess the thought. I put this card together in photoshop, pretty creative I guess. Had pictures of all kinds of important people born on the same day as her around a cake and something to the effect of "of all these people your the one that's important to me". That and some little things I put together. Anyway she loved it.
I am buying her a convertible this week though. A mustang GT 5.0L. It's her first muscle car and she's excited.
As long as this has gone on I am still noticing small changes. This one the other day. We were going someplace and I had been off running errands. When I got back she was dressed up and ready to go, she looked hot. When I got out of the truck I exclaimed "WOW!!! That's REALLY cute" and she immediatly took the compliment. That was the first time. Normally she would shirk it off. I had learned that when she did that to reiterate my compliment and the second time she would ussually take it. This time she smiled appreciatively and said thank you.
Now if I can just remember to replace the word cute in my vocabulary with the word HOT!!! cause that's how she really looked.
Anyway things are good and getting better.
I seem to have a nasty case of bronchitis though. Been sick all year. Pretty unusual for me. It's really bugging me, haven't been able to jog and I miss it. Hard to keep in shape lately. I'm certain it's just the several years of stress taking it's toll on my body. Hoping to have it all fixed up soon.
Well finally getting over my bronchitis. Looking back I guess I've been sick for about 3 months and just kinda dismissed it.
Bought W the mustang yesterday. She just loves it. Once we got it all insured and everything it was nearly sunset. But she gave the excuse of wanting to go pick up some dog food and drove me to town. Once we got there she asked where I wanted to eat and gave me the choice of two very nice and romantic restaurants. And just as I write this I've just realized that maybe this fulfills her need of being in charge a bit. We've been struggling with that for a long time I guess.
Over the last year or so I have become more and more of the alpha male and even though early on she fought very hard to be the one in control when it came to an important decision I was the one who made it. At first she'd ask for the decision very quickly and leave quickly when she got her answer. It was difficult for her. Then it became very natural.
She needed to be independent and in charge and I think this was at the root (among other things) of her original ILYBINILWY
We spend a lot of R time. A LOT. And I enjoy it now. Before I was just doing it because I had to. We spend almost all of our time together. There have been times where I decided to go out and do something on my own and she normally would jump in the car and just assume she was going. I was never really able to go GAL much because when I tried she insisted on being with me. This started right at the beginning of our separation.
I was thinking back last night when we were at dinner. W was telling me about my mother and her boyfriend (who was a live in and just moved out) and how my mom's boyfriend just asked my mom out to dinner. W was a little frustrated by it. The fact that they can't make a clean break and how he moved out but is back asking her to dinner. So as she's saying this I'm thinking back to our S. She left me on a Friday but by Sunday we were out together doing things and having a nice date. It has been that way most of the time with only a few exceptions.
So for a long time she rebuked my gentlemanly habits. Opening doors I would get a "I can get it" But I persisted and a year later she slides completely into the car and waits for me to close the door. And I know she enjoys it.
However, yesterday I let her completely be in charge. She was a bit nervous, she said "Don't make fun of me I haven't drove a stick in a long time" I just sat back and relaxed. We had a good time.
So maybe this is what she needs. A feeling of independence. I asked her the night before last if she was excited about the car. She said yes but she was more excited about us having two cars. Said she'd use OUR truck for grocery trips and such and the mustang for trips appropriate to it. A few months ago when we were talking about a car for her she made it clear that it was only for her and that I wasn't to drive it. That has changed and now *everything* is ours and us. Although she has been saying "my mustang" alot. So I think this is good and I hadn't really thought about the fact that it may satisfy her need for independence. But maybe it was that easy.
So I'll let her be completely in charge when it comes to the Mustang. I thought that maybe with us having two cars that I would become more free. Not always telling her where I was going and such. Being a little more inaccessible and giving her a lot of space. Maybe that's what I need to do. When I have given space in the past she immediatly fills that space. She doesn't take it a nd run. It's like a rubber band. So we've been like this rubber band just sitting there doing nothing. But perhaps if I stretch it a bit it will snap back at me.
Last night when we got home I went to give her a hug and a kiss. She crossed her arms in front of her like she always does when she she doesn't want affection (which is most of the time) let me hug her but wouldn't hug back just rested her head on my should. A quick goodnight peck and off to our separate beds. That hurts a lot and I don't really get it that much. But that's how we are. Our marriage is definitely saved on her end but I have a hard time holding it together on my end without intimacy.
She seems content in this and it's killing me.
So I guess I'll give it a few days (or am I supposed to give it several weeks) and see what happens. Or I'll start pulling on that rubber band a bit right away. I don't really know.
It's a tough situation Xue. You are very patient and I don't know how you do it without the intimacy but somehow you do. I admire your thoughtfulness and willingness to love your wife even though she isn't able to give you what you need right now.
You are an inspiration and I can't help but feel that all your hard work and patience will pay off. What more proof that you love her unconditionally does she need?
Yeah it's pretty hard to understand and difficult to figure out what to do. But there is yet continual improvement.
At graduation night the other night she would touch me a lot more than she has in the past. And here and there since then. But if I go to put my arms around her waist or anything similar she closes up.
Yesterday we took off for the day in her convertible. Which in itself was in improvement. We spend all our time together and go on "dates" but they are generally done under the guise of doing something else (going on errands but stopping for a nice dinner) We go to dinner/movie dates but this is the first time we've just blown off the whole day and gone off to mess around.
So we drove to Tahoe, drove all the way around the lake. Had a great dinner, and drove home. A full day of testing out her new convertible. Had a good day.
Got home late and when it was time for bed she had turned off the lite. Hard to find each other for a good night kiss. I was thinking Hmm this could be good. But when she kissed me she immediately pushed me away.
Funny thing yesterday which totally shocked me. We were talking about her sister. On the day that we were wed her sister announced at our wedding (although we didn't know it at the time) that she was leaving her husband. They had been married forever. She told him she had never loved him and said she had never wanted the kids. She immediately moved in with a very dominant lesbian woman. So last week ( 9 years later) she figured out she wasn't a lesbian, moved out, and started dating a man. Been quite the subject of conversation. So the lesbian woman appears to be starting the same pattern with another woman with a distressed marriage and my W id telling me about this. She says, "It's an abuse of power" I don't get it so I ask. After me asking several times cause I really don't get it, she explains. Well she is a cop and she sees a situation and makes it worse. She's planting ideas in the womans head, he's abusive, you have rights, that sort of thing and works her up. When in reality it's possible that there was nothing wrong with the marriage at all. Maybe the woman was just bored or confused or something, now she's got this terrible relationship that she has to escape." I was dumbfounded. If my W can realize this about another relationship can she realize it about ours. And does she. Her reluctance to explain it says yes. If you don't remember our sitch when we sought out counseling we ended up with a C who that week announced her D. She was very pro D and did immense damage.
I did make a comment "cops are the only proffession that does that" and the conversation ended quickly.
Just a note here. When we S, she said she's stick around until we got our finances straightened out and were out of debt from our situation we got into. That day is tommorrow. It scared me for a long time but now it seems to have no bearing. But maybe it does in some way. We'll see
