Thank your lucky stars for that PO because without it, you'd have blown your sitch to hell by now, I am sure.
I will explain. You are rip-roaring, balls-to-the-wall, over the top ready to get down to the business of showing your wife how much you've changed. How you have seen the light. You would be so IN HER FACE during a time when SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU, that you would have pushed her so far away, there might not BE any coming back.
So thank God for the PO. It has saved your ass.
Now before I go any further let me tell you this - and I want you to keep it in mind when you're reading the rest of this post - I KNOW you are sincere. I believe you are growing and changing and learning hard lessons. I do believe that and it's all good and yes, there is a chance you can save your marriage.
That said, I want you to understand that a WAW walks away in two stages. The first is mentally/emotionally. All your controlling behaviors caused that and you were too self-centered and egotistical to see it. Verbal and emotional abuse, which is what that was, weakened her to such a state that while a long time ago, she might have not taken your crap, she by then, couldn't stand up for herself, maybe didn't even care to. You essentially beat her down with whatever words you used or behaviors you exhibited that obviously made her unable to be honest with you about where you were taking your relationship. Whatever you do in your day to day work life that you think made you that way, you were foolish to think you could operate that way in your family and never pay a price (this is where you need to recall the previous paragraph). While you were being controlling and argumentative, she was shutting down. I bet she hasn't really heard a word you've said to her in a year, if not more. By the time the day/night rolled around that you "held her in place" while you said whatever it was YOU had to say, you'd pushed her so far into seclusion in her mind that you did not reach her, you just dropped the last straw. That's when she hit the second stage and left you. Nice job. Kudos to her because I know it took a lot for her to do that. It's also the catalyst that is bringing about the necessary changes in you. So you are in her debt, actually. I hope you appreciate the strength she had to muster up in order to say "ENOUGH!" and walk.
So fast forward to now. You've been put out and there is a protective order in place and you can't even so much as tell her you are sorry and see the error of your ways. This is a good thing, because she can't believe your words anyway. How many times have you apologized for your behavior before? Yet nothing ever changed for long, did it? Your ACTIONS are what will make a difference to your sitch now and THAT IS ALL. It's time to buck up and grow up and I think you know that now from all the reading you've done here.
As for me, I was a WAW mentally and emotionally before MLC ever took hold of me. I've BEEN held down and yelled at. When my husband and I had our first separation he went through exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately for us, MLC had come in full force by then. But I saw the changes and I know he worked so hard to make them. I believe that you are, too. But there is a long road to true change. You are saying all the right stuff here but I KNOW that your core has not yet been overtaken by the things you have learned. It takes implementation of new ideas and new coping skills before they can begin to be established as new, healthy habits. So far, you just THINK you are different. Once your interactions with your wife start happening, that's when you'll see how much you have REALLY learned, changed and grown. I hope that you find you have a completely new way of handling EVERYTHING. But that's a pipedream really. Because we only learn ANYTHING, by repetition. Your time to start will come. In the meantime, you are on a journey of your own. Do the hard work. Look at yourself honestly. Make the changes you are led to make. If you don't, and you were to reconcile with your wife, you'd end up back here. And she'd be further gone and unlikely to EVER return again.
Make this time worthwhile.
Work on you.
Oh, and stop thinking so obsessively about her every damn day. You are most DEFINITELY still co-dependant (yes, I saw that comment, too).
