Character, Faith, and Patience II

[JR2007]

I'm going to go through this piece by piece because I think you hit some important topics. I still want to know what the hell she's thinking in her head right now

Thank your lucky stars for that PO because without it, you'd have blown your sitch to hell by now, I am sure.

I will explain.
You are rip-roaring, balls-to-the-wall, over the top ready to get down to the business of showing your wife how much you've changed. How you have seen the light. You would be so IN HER FACE during a time when SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU, that you would have pushed her so far away, there might not BE any coming back.

There is NO question in my mind, that this would have been true 6 weeks ago - no doubt what-so-ever. Shoot, I went after her parents when I couldn't talk to her. I was on FIRE!

Now, however, I have myself under control. When we met two weeks ago, I was the MODEL of confidence, control, understanding, and kindness. I feel the pain she felt when we were together. I think that's part of the reason I want to see her SO badly, is to show her I can be the responsible MAN she thought she married and even things out for her in her life (and mine, of course). But the "show" isn't a dog and pony show, it's just my actions in conditions that before would have set me off now, don't. I am an action type guy, I just didn't show her the right actions for the last few years...

So thank God for the PO.
It has saved your ass.

I do and it did

Now before I go any further let me tell you this - and I want you to keep it in mind when you're reading the rest of this post - I KNOW you are sincere. I believe you are growing and changing and learning hard lessons. I do believe that and it's all good and yes, there is a chance you can save your marriage.

OK, thanks for that, it did make the rest hurt just a touch less

That said, I want you to understand that a WAW walks away in two stages. The first is mentally/emotionally. All your controlling behaviors caused that and you were too self-centered and egotistical to see it. Verbal and emotional abuse, which is what that was, weakened her to such a state that while a long time ago, she might have not taken your crap, she by then, couldn't stand up for herself, maybe didn't even care to. You essentially beat her down with whatever words you used or behaviors you exhibited that obviously made her unable to be honest with you about where you were taking your relationship. Whatever you do in your day to day work life that you think made you that way, you were foolish to think you could operate that way in your family and never pay a price (this is where you need to recall the previous paragraph).
While you were being controlling and argumentative, she was shutting down. I bet she hasn't really heard a word you've said to her in a year, if not more.

I wonder about this all the time. The argumentative part really only came about ONCE she stopped just taking saying, "do whatever you want, you'll do it anyway..." I didn't know that was code for, "you better not do that or you'll pay for it." I just thought she was the coolest wife EVER because I could do ANYTHING! I used to tell her how appreciative I was that she didn't use code or play games - well she did, and she was. I did NOT get it, no doubt. So, we're really only talking about 6 months ago. THEN, when she stopped giving in to my "requests" it became full bore argument time. THEN she withdrew like a turtle in it's shell and I pursued like she was raw meat and I was a wolf with rabies. I was relentless and THEN she absolutely quit hearing a word I said, she'd say OK to end the argument and I thought I'd succeeded, of course I hadn't. Man, there were a million clues during that period.

By the time the day/night rolled around that you "held her in place" while you said whatever it was YOU had to say, you'd pushed her so far into seclusion in her mind that you did not reach her, you just dropped the last straw. That's when she hit the second stage and left you.

Funny thing was, we started going out on date nights again after that, things were really good for that month after that fight. But what I didn't do was ever apologize for the fight, because I didn't think I did a damn thing wrong. THAT is pure ignorance.

Nice job. Kudos to her because I know it took a lot for her to do that. It's also the catalyst that is bringing about the necessary changes in you. So you are in her debt, actually. I hope you appreciate the strength she had to muster up in order to say "ENOUGH!" and walk.

I actually told her once how proud I was of her for showing this kind of courage. She NEVER made a hard choice in the whole time we were together. I'd have preferred she made a hard choice like selling the house before we get into the throws of Divorce, but nonetheless, it took a LOT of courage to do what she's done. I told her I didn't blame her one bit.

So fast forward to now. You've been put out and there is a protective order in place and you can't even so much as tell her you are sorry and see the error of your ways. This is a good thing, because she can't believe your words anyway. How many times have you apologized for your behavior before? Yet nothing ever changed for long, did it?

I never apologized. Who apologizes for a win? Actually, I didn't think about it like that in my head but that's what it was. My need to be right and have her agree with me was controlling and competitive. Why did I need to compete with my W? Who the hell knows, it was purely messed up.

Your ACTIONS are what will make a difference to your sitch now and THAT IS ALL. It's time to buck up and grow up and I think you know that now from all the reading you've done here.

OK, so I admit, and have admitted previously on here that I'm not 100% ready to go home. I don't WANT to go home yet. I just want a chance to start SOMETHING. An IM, a Text, a short call, it doesn't even have to be about anything important. Just that first step of a new journey, that I fully expect to be long. You don't heal 11 years of hurt in 3 months. I get it. But how long can we go with NO contact, depending on her parents and sister to pass on info about me??? If I had any idea about that, I'd quit obsessing immediately. I'm working on quitting anyway, but it's harder with NO data. I know I have no control over that but it's not going away overnight...

As for me, I was a WAW mentally and emotionally before MLC ever took hold of me. I've BEEN held down and yelled at. When my husband and I had our first separation he went through exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately for us, MLC had come in full force by then. But I saw the changes and I know he worked so hard to make them. I believe that you are, too. But there is a long road to true change. You are saying all the right stuff here but I KNOW that your core has not yet been overtaken by the things you have learned. It takes implementation of new ideas and new coping skills before they can begin to be established as new, healthy habits. So far, you just THINK you are different.

I agree to some extent, but let me pass this by you. When we had our one meeting 2 weeks ago, again I was 100% on. I didn't defend, I didn't blame, I agreed, I was kind, I looked her in the eyes, I saw that connection we have, I saw the pain in her eyes and renewed my commitment to never cause her pain again. In fact, I didn't even have to think about it, it all came very naturally, and that is NOT my old MO. My old MO would have been, "it's wrong to divorce, you need to let me come home right now, end of story."

So, I can accept it's not built into my core, because, again, it's only been 2+ months. I'm not THAT naive that I think I'm 100% a new man in that short a time. But I'm a little better than just thinking I'm better - I think

Once your interactions with your wife start happening, that's when you'll see how much you have REALLY learned, changed and grown. I hope that you find you have a completely new way of handling EVERYTHING. But that's a pipedream really. Because we only learn ANYTHING, by repetition. Your time to start will come.

OK Amy, WHY will she come back if we have NO interaction? Because her mom and sister say I'm so much nicer now than I was? Why would she believe that? I'm not trying to be negative, I'm genuinely curious.

In the meantime, you are on a journey of your own. Do the hard work. Look at yourself honestly. Make the changes you are led to make. If you don't, and you were to reconcile with your wife, you'd end up back here. And she'd be further gone and unlikely to EVER return again.

Make this time worthwhile.

Work on you.

I do, A LOT. I'm 100% better off because of this time apart. I thank God for it everyday. I will be a better man regardless. Sometimes though, it feels a little hollow without my wife. My companion, my lover, my partner! That's all. I'm sure we all feel that way sometimes.

By the way, Mountain Biking today was spectacular! You all should have mountains this beautiful in your backyard!

Oh, and stop thinking so obsessively about her every damn day.
You are most DEFINITELY still co-dependant (yes, I saw that comment, too).

AmyC

I only obsess here on the site. And I'm nottotally co-dependent anymore. Yes, I WANT my wife back because I value her but I don't NEED her back to be happy. Again, I'm not 100%, but that takes time too. Do you think I'd go back to acting that way if I got home right now? I'd say NO, because I can now SEE the difference between love and neediness. Do I have to work at it - yes. Is it natural to me yet, NO. Do I recognize it as a negative action - yes! Do I know what to do instead - YES!

Anyway, thank you SO much for the input. Please feel free to share more if you'd like. I have your post printed out (along with a few others I've received along the way so far) and I'll re-read it regularly. I will take it to heart, as I do all the good advice I get on this site and put it to good use.

[789]

I was right, Amy does have a wonderful way with words.

You seem to take all that well, getting a good grip on the situation. I think she said stuff to you that all of us can use.

You could of at least taken pictures of the mountains for all of us

[JR2007]

She does, and that was a very good post.

I've been thinking a lot about it, and I think some of it is sinking in...

we'll see how it goes...

[NMHurting]

Long read..but definatly worth it. Amy any time you choose to analyze me feel free. lol

[JR2007]

Mkultra just mentioned something in her thread that really worries me - actually it just solidifies a worry I've already had. She said she's losing her attraction for her husband by going dark...

HOW can my wife maintain, or gain new attraction to me if we NEVER see each other?

How long can we go before she's just forgotten me? If she wasn't important to me, I'd forget her tomorrow. If I'm out of sight out of mind, I'm forgotten, aren't I?

I know I have no choice in the matter, and that's fine, but how can this possibly have a good ending if we NEVER interact at all?

I know people want to try to convince me this forced darkness is good, I just can't see it. I'm OK with not being able to be in her face ALL the time, but never even a word between us? I don't know...

[789]

Not so funny you brought up that post.

I agree with you that it can get easier if you do not see each other, and that is scary. But you will have a good ending.

Actually I read all the posts after reading the one here, except for a couple small variations, that could be my W.

[AmyC]

You are not "never interacting", JR.
You are simply not interacting for the duration of the PO (how many days are left?) in order to keep your butt from getting in trouble for failing to abide by the terms of it.

You are also not "out of sight out of mind".
She has a little boy with her everyday that ensures that.

If you want to spend your time thinking about all the 'what ifs' spend it thinking this:

"what if I don't get my sh*t together before that PO expires?"

[JR2007]

49 days til we go back to court to "revisit it"

Good point about S4, he says a LOT of stuff and I'm sure he's saying it to her like he does to me.

And 11 years of history doesn't just evaporate, even though she may think she wants it to.

Oh, and I will have my [censored] together before the PO expires

[AmyC]

Glad to hear it!

[JR2007]

Got another meeting scheduled with the pastor and the W for Wednesday. Again, prayers are answered in the time the Lord decides, not me. I'm humbled...

She's coming to see what's up with me.