Oh Honey, no, you're not messing them up!!! Just keep doing what you're doing and they'll see and believe you're getting stronger!! One day at a time, right?

Sorry about your night. I know that icky feeling you're talking about.

Mine didn't go much better. I went to the party and sipped one drink all night. They all knew each other cuz they work together. One of the girls brought her sister who was in from NY so we sat and talked the entire time. That was really nice. I came home around 10.

Oh... let me back up. Both DS7 and I tried calling DH when I left. He never answered his cell. I told myself (I do this chant thing)... please let him be at the Y... please let him be at the Y. He wasn't (cuz GF lives right around the corner, so I checked). He didn't get here until 8. So he was out. Now, you know I can't question too much, but I was angry and more than a little suspicious. I don't know if I'll ever get over the A. I need his help with that, but can't ask cuz I think it will make him mad and we'll never fix this.

So I get here around 10 and DH is in his pajamas, playing video games with the boys and doing laundry. Huh? You ask why is he doing laundry when I'm doing his laundry? So I immediately think he's slept with someone else and has to wash his clothes. I question him about going out and doing his laundry. He admitted he went out with B (his friend from work... the one that just got laid off) and had a drink. He said he needed to wash his towels, so he threw everything in. Okay. Of course, I assume he's washing away evidence.

I look through his wallet. I see where he went and what he had to drink. There were 2 people... separate checks... but he doesn't drink vodka. There were 2 Jim Beams (his drink) and one vodka. Strange, but I can't question cuz he can't know I'm going though his wallet.

My laptop screen got fried and died the other day, so he set me up with another one and told me to check it out. He came into the kitchen and we were talking about B and how bummed he is. Not only did he get laid off, but one if his BFs is in a coma after being hit by his GF (his BF's GF). She was arrested and spent time in jail. This happened a couple of weeks ago and he is still not out of the coma. The GF has been charged with felony DUI. So B is pretty torn up about it and DH tells me the whole story of what happened to B's BF.

We started talking about B being laid off and he said he probably wouldn't last a year and how with his recent raise, he is at 101% of his pay grade or whatever and he will not find a job in the area paying that much... only in Atlanta or Charlotte. Whoa... back up. Huh? So I tell him I'm looking for a FT job and he can take the pay cut if he has to. We argued. I told him even if he made this money in Atlanta or Charlotte, we still can't afford two households!! He said "are you asking me to take a pay cut"? So I said, I'm more concerned about my family than you taking a pay cut!! He said he would commute like he did a few years ago and I brought up gas prices and he said something like D, don't worry about it... but in a this conversation is over type tone. So I said (have you figured out I can be a hot head yet?) I said well, you better leave now... when you don't like what I have to say, you always leave. I said it again a little later and he said at one point... something about he always runs, right? Or something like that.

He played one more game with 7DS and 7DS kept asking "when are we going home?" Yeah, that hurt a little... a lot.

I don't know. I just don't know.

You know, for the first time in years, I can look him in the eyes, but I don't think I see anything there. I try to convince myself I'll be okay without him. I feel like he blames me for everything... for getting married so early (no, I was not pg )... for having kids so early... for having 3 kids (he really fought me on having the last).

I don't know. One of the things he's been saying over the past 2 years is during my depression and during the time I became a SAHM, he lost all respect for me. He says he knows it's wrong, cuz he asked me to stay home, it was a mutual decision, but still...

I don't know... I wish there was someone who could walk me through the whole thing and tell me what to do so I could do everything right.

Maybe him taking a job in Charlotte or Atlanta and moving to one of those places would be what he needs. But no way in hell would I let him take 7DS with him. Maybe then he'd realize what he's throwing away? I don't know... last night and this morning, I'm confused.

I'm having problems staying asleep all of a sudden. I'm exhausted at night and fall right to sleep, but I'm up at 5 every morning and I can't go back to sleep until I've been up for awhile.

You know, I come here and rant, then I pull myself together and put on my strong face, so he doesn't see my turmoil. I try to be so nonchalant around him, ya know? Sorry for the huge post yet again, but I need to get all this out.

Here's to a better day/weekend for the both of us. Had any luck with the crystal ball, cuz I'm having a hard time finding a magic wand. ;\)

Oh, BTW, there were only towels and his workout clothes in the wash. He left his pants on my bed. Yeah, I checked the pockets... only a lottery ticket.