Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[Jen_Jam]

OK, I have promised an update and been meaning too... a lot has happened in the past week, all of it good (I think).

So I was in the "I've given up" mode. What I meant by that was I have given up trying to work out where H's head is at and I've given up letting his moods affect me. I call that part of detachment and it feels good.

I feel now I am truly happy with myself. I like the way I deal with things, I am very self aware, I am different to the person I was 2 years ago, not completely, I feel I've become the person I've always aspired to be (well - almost, but hey change is a journey, not a destination). Right now there are no major aspects of me that are destructive - I can now manage my anger and jealousy well. Yes, I still feel them and that's fine, but now I know a LOT more in how to deal with these in a way that doesn't p!ss off others.

OK - so onto H. Somehow on Monday night we ended up having a talk - where I again stated my feelings clearly. On Monday night I was tired and a little grumpy (in fact, on Tues night I came down with a cold, I often get grumpy just before I get ill). So H wasn't hugging me. As I went to bed I gave him a hug and he looked relieved, turns out he wasn't hugging me cos "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to or not".

At this point let me scream - SDFound girl will understand how I feel here - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

That's better I then stated calmly that I had already asked him for more cuddles, etc and that was what I wanted. I pointed out that these were very important to me and I asked my H if he wanted to help make our M a happy one. He said yes. Well, his exact words were "I am not going to let all of this go, I am not a person to say I'm bored now and walk of". So I'm happy with that. I then pointed out that the cuddles etc were important and that if nothing changed then there was a risk of me becoming a WAW.

I said a few things, can't remember the exact words, in fact I didn't say that much, so different to my old R talks, this talk was very to the point. My points were:

1. I want cuddles, ML and ILY's. These are vital to me
2. I am happy with myself and feel there is little "work" I can or want to do on myself right now
3. H has stated before his LD is all his problem, thus I said it was up to him to work on it. I was not going to dictate to him what to do or how to do it, he would need to figure it out, but if he wanted help from me I would be happy to provide that.
4. If he didn't do this he risks me becoming a WAW. I said this was not a threat, but I had seen it happen a lot of times.
5. H then said "let's have a talk tomorrow" and I replied that I'd done all the talking I wanted to, I had nothing more to say but would listen to him if and when he wanted to.

And that's it. Some might say I was demanding and threatening, I tried hard to present this (and even said it) not as a threat but as a warning. I told him so many LBS's get bombed in what they feel is "out of the blue" and that they wish their WAS could have sat down with them and communicated very clearly what was wrong. I was trying to do just that. i also stated right now I have no intention of becoming a WAS, that it's not what I want.

Then I dropped it - no mention of it since, the ball is in H's court, my task is to encourage the positive steps he makes.

And - he's made positive steps!!! I have been getting cuddles and I got TWO!!!!!!!!! ILY's last night - that makes a total of four this year. We were sitting outside drinking and talking and he had dug out all the music we played at our wedding (we have it on CD's). Then as a couple of tracks were playing he said "this takes me back to that day, it was one of the happiest days of my life and listening to these songs again makes me realise how important you are to me". Then I got an ILY. Also - when we went to bed I think he was trying to initiate but ... I wasn't in the mood, I've just got over this cold, had had a bad day at work, just needed to sleep. I didnt say anything but I will encourage his next attempt (no point me saying I want more ML then turning him down all the time!!!). H had also tidied up the house and done the shopping, which makes my day today a little easier (he has Fridays off work, I have Saturdays off, we both get Sundays off).

So - all in all I have asked for what I want, stated it clearly a few times, I think it's FINALLY sunk in - so now, what do I do? I'm going to sit back, enjoy this, not be bitter about what didn't go on in the past but look to the present and the future, encourage it, I feel that the final piece is going into place. it's funny - i've stopped trying to guess what H is thinking, it feels good. I criticise him for trying to guess what i'm thinking - ha ha, seems we BOTH fell into that trap

Anyhoo- waffled enough. I hope all of you are doing well, and would like to finish with a quote I found inspiring for me at this time:

"Goals are a mean to an end, not the ultimate purpose of our lives. They are a tool to concentrate our focus and move us in a direction.The only reason we persue goals is to cause ourselves to expand and grow. Achieving goals by themselves will not make us happy in the long term; it's who you become as you overcome the obstacles neccessary to achieve your goals that can give you the deepest and most long lasting sense of achievement."
(Anthony Robbins)