When's it my turn?

[SDFoundGirl]

Thanks Rob. The MC point blank asked him what the problem was, and told me I'd probably felt "violated" because I'd been vulnerable and posted my needs and been ignored. I suspect there's still a lot H hasn't dealt with...he's not in IC anymore, and probably he still needs to be. Somehow work issues revolve around having to stay to make the mortgage, and the idea of just selling the freaking place so he can quit and find a job that makes him happy is not okay because, according to H, "That's not what you want."

And so, H is falling into these same stupid patterns that ticked me off in the first place. Instead of TALKING to me, he makes assumptions about what I think/how I feel and then gets pissed off at me for a decision I never had a part in. This happened over and over again in our M. I called him on that crap, and so did the MC.

I've tried to share some of what I've learned, but it goes in one ear and out the other. He's still stuck in that mindset of "If I struggle enough, I'll make these idiots see my point of view." It's so much easier to stop struggling and just let go of the control...but that's his thing to figure out. I can't do it for him.

Thanks for checking in on me. Things are sliiiiiightly better, but not much. I'm still doing the things on H's list, still putting all those good DB things into place, trying not to get too uptight about what I can't control. Still, there has to be a line drawn for me.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

HI Cat. Thanks for responding. A few things....

I've pretty much gone the same way w/my H, his new job is very demanding and he's still in a "trial" position. I also felt most of his time went to the job and not to me. Problem is, a job defines a man, and if he doesn't pay enough attention to the details about his job he might loose it.

I really do understand this, and I even understand why H feels he need to do this. However, the pressure truly is pressure he puts on himself. I *used* to put my job first. I'm a teacher, and it is my true passion in life. Nothing came before teaching, and a lot of that was not only because it was my interest, but because I am good at it and it defined who I was. My value was all tied up in my profession.

Now, this was a HUUUUGE point of contention for my H. He griped about it a lot, and I ignored it because it felt like an attack. Once the bomb was dropped, I went to IC and worked hard on dealing with that issue. And I can say that although I still LOVE what I do, my M comes first.

So I get it, but I also get how warped it is. I refuse to sit by and be second. I won't, regardless of what sociologists say about men and their jobs. I had that mentality. I put my M in perspective for the good of my M. He's not exempt.

[quote=cat03THe trouble is, when were are pouting and crying and telling them "you dont' say you love me!" , the *last* thing they feel like at that time is loving.

So, having been in your shoes the best I can say to you is RELAX. Withdrawing sex will *not* get you anything. For a woman to be in the mood for sex she has to feel a connection first, for a man, he has to have sex first and then the feelings of bonding come. [/quote]

I want to make this clear. The only time I bring this up is in MC, and it's always in I-messages. I need these things; he will either be able to do it or he won't. I don't whine, wheedle, cry or pout. If there's a reason he doesn't want to do this, then he needs to speak up. However, as a part of MC, he agreed to this exercise. I'm doing it, he is not. It's about responsibility, ownership and communication.

As for the ML...I'm not withholding it as a weapon. I simply can't give myself to someone when the ONLY time they touch me or demonstrate love towards me is when they want to get laid. I can't do it. You can just as easily say he is withholding love. Why is it that women are supposed to be the ones to compromise?

As a victim of sexual violence (I was date raped in college), I refuse to ML unless it is just that. I take full responsibility for not saying NO to my H the other night. I should have, and I will in the future. However, when I am feeling no connection to my partner, when I just feel like a piece of @ss, I will not have sex just to help him feel more connected to me. I have bent over backwards to do everything he has asked. I will not put myself in the position to feel dirty and angry and used just so H is happy. It's a two way street.

BTW, I didn't give him a hard time about it. H knew nothing of my feelings until MC, and again, then, it was in I-messages. I accept my responsibility, but I won't hide my feelings any longer. He can choose whatever he wants to do, but his choice do have consequences. That's just reality.

I whine here because I have to process how I'm feeling and get to the core of what's really bothering me. With H, I have learned to express my feelings directly and without attacking him.

In the end, he will be the partner I want because he chooses to, or he will no longer be my partner because he chooses that too. He asked for what he wanted, and I am constantly working on doing that for US. If he won't meet me halfway, I'm out. I want a partner.

It takes two....

SD

[Jen_Jam]

SD I think I can understand how you feel - that line "Instead of TALKING to me, he makes assumptions about what I think/how I feel and then gets pissed off at me for a decision I never had a part in." is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much like my H.

get this too - my H always says "tell it to me straight" so do. Then t'other night he asked me something (and I wish I could remember what it was!!!) and I gave him a straight answer, then I had to then say (after he got his constipated face on) that what I meant was what I said and not this myriad of other things he'd ASSUMED I MIGHT be thinking!!! He looked relieved after that, so i think I'm bang on the money in that he was assuming other things. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I then told him (and I think these words hit home) "you say you want to be told things straight but you don't listen to them straight". Then no further discussion. I cannot go on with him trying to GUESS what I am thinking. But it's his choice to make the jump.

So - back to you, gosh SO much of this I could be typing in my own thread, it's spooky. All I can say for you is that you've stated clearly what you want, now is time to ID those baby steps H will take, and cheerlead him when he does. I suggest this cos it works for me, it may work for you.

Or you could do what I did ..... come over to my thread

[Rob1231]

Hi SD,

Thanks for everything you posted. I understand how you feel - to vent with you a little: Our spouses worked themselves into their horrid MLCs and they bombed us and they said they didn't want the old relationship anymore. We agreed, we didn't want it either - and then we worked our A$$ES off to improve ourselves and grow, with the expectation that the R will get better. We end up New and Improved, DBified, amazing - and then we see our spouses relax because the crisis is over in their minds, and even start slipping back into their old behaviors. ARRGH. OK, rant finished.

Here's my suggestion for you dealing with H. He's said he wants to do better. He's asked you what you want from him. He's promised to try - and then he's backslid repeatedly.

OK, so you've dropped the "little bomb" on him in MC. At this point, it seems like fair game to "keep him honest." Is there any way that you can gently, humorously even, remind him on a regular, possibly daily basis, of what you are wanting? Try to keep it friendly and upbeat. Maybe little comments like "Gee, I sure could stand to hear some nice Words of Affirmation (or whatever fits) today." Or post-it notes on his bathroom mirror, "Have you hugged your beautiful wife today?" Shoot for baby steps at first, and help him keep working on this for you on the front burner.

Also, you originally posted this over on my thread, bringing that discussion over here...

Hey Rob---

I'm wondering if you have any tips on dealing with the OP. Have you dealt with the OM? Does it still bother you? I'm wondering b/c that's a huge problem for ME. I can't figure out how to let it go...to H's credit, he's been wonderful. He's completely open about everything, and I have no reason to suspect anything. However, on days like today, when he's working on a project for work (where that stupid ho snatch no good LW works as well) and I see a picture of her for a presentation he's working on (her department), it just brings it all back to me.

I know it's my problem, but I don't know what to do. I'd like to be able to not let her bother me, but she does.

Advice from Rob the Amazing?

SD

As I said on my thread, I've been fortunate that I have not had to see or deal with OM at all. My take on this is that you still view LW as a threat. And that's not really about what H is doing (you say he's on the straight and narrow) or what she is doing. It's about how you feel - vulnerable and not in control. Did I get that right?

Because, the sad truth is - there are always temptations and opportunities to stray out there, if our spouses chose to do so. LW could move to Alaska and that wouldn't make your M "safe", would it? So, it's really about building up your own self-confidence and security more than anything she does or doesn't do. Work on that, and the more you believe in yourself, the less worried you will be about her.

Make any sense?

[SDFoundGirl]

SD I think I can understand how you feel - that line "Instead of TALKING to me, he makes assumptions about what I think/how I feel and then gets pissed off at me for a decision I never had a part in." is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much like my H.

Sh!t, doesn't that make you CRAZY? I try to redirect him, but it's hard unless it comes up during MC because I don't know otherwise. This freaks me out because it's a big part of what happened to cause the bomb in the first place. How do you fight against the unseen???

H is out of town for the week, and I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I'm totally stressed out at work (it's our last week of school), so I'm welcoming the quiet. On the other hand, it's too much like when he left for his vaca last year when he decided he wanted to S. But that's me. I'll float over to your sitch to see what's happening w/you...

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Thanks Rob. Yeah, I know temptation is out there no matter what, but that stupid snatch is a tangible. She KNEW. I'm a woman, and I know she knew. She still uses her leverage to get H to overcommit himself workwise. H doesn't call her anymore, but she calls him. She's not stupid; she knew. And every time I've seen the b!tch since H recommitted, she's been a total c*nt to me. Even in my own home for the surprise party I threw H.

So I'd like to take her by her crispy, overprocessed hair and toss her off a bridge. It's symbolic, perhaps, but it would make me feel better.

So I don't know. What do I do? It's all about me, and I can't make myself feel better. This sucks!!!

SD

[Rob1231]

Anyway, the lists came from an exercise our MC has been pushing us to do for months called "Caring Days." H has been "too busy" because of work (which just pisses me off as I'm just as busy and I watch him fock around all night with stupid crap) to do it until this past week. Even so, I've been paying attention to what he says he likes/wants/needs to give it to him.

Thanks Rob. Yeah, I know temptation is out there no matter what, but that stupid snatch is a tangible. She KNEW. I'm a woman, and I know she knew. She still uses her leverage to get H to overcommit himself workwise. H doesn't call her anymore, but she calls him. She's not stupid; she knew. And every time I've seen the b!tch since H recommitted, she's been a total c*nt to me.

Hey SD, reading your last post, it suddenly felt like the puzzle pieces fell into place - the dots connected - something like that. Am I reading too much into the connection between the bolded statements above?

[galing]

"So I don't know. What do I do? It's all about me, and I can't make myself feel better. This sucks!!!"

Hey SD,

Sorry you are having a rough week. I don't have any wise words regarding your sitch but I want to just throw a few pieces of advice in their regarding life in general as a teacher. The last week of school is horrid. You are racing to get report cards done, clean up your room, make sure kids feel secure about their summers, firm up your own summer plans, etc. and I know at least for me that I felt huge anxiety that last week of school.

So, I would say in general this is a time in your life to choose to TOLERATE. What I mean by that is tell yourself that you are having stress right now, and you agree with yourself to not make any decisions right now, to not think about your situation right now, to not act on anything or say anything to your H or anyone else about it (aside from the boards) because you know that although you may feel this way in a week, you also know you have other stuff going on. So maybe choose to TOLERATE right now and give yourself the release and ability to not do anything right now, not have solutions right now, not have answers right now, until your other parts of your life are more calm so those aren't playing on things more.

Does that make sense?

Hugs SD! You are wonderful.

[SDFoundGirl]

Hey SD, reading your last post, it suddenly felt like the puzzle pieces fell into place - the dots connected - something like that. Am I reading too much into the connection between the bolded statements above?

Well...I wasn't conscious about it, but there's probably some relationship. It's not the whole thing though...I guess it just felt like his job was far more important than our M, and THAT'S weird for H. He's never been a job focused guy. Who knows?

H is out of town for a conference this week, and that's been really good for me. I've had lots and lots of time to think and reflect, and I've figured out I need to let go of what I can't control. Like Jen, I've expressed my needs and expectations, now I have to let go and let H make his own choices.

I took the day off of work and took care of ME. I've been having such a hard time lately.... Well, today I had a friend of mine give me a Reiki treatment. It was my first time, and I have to say, it was AWESOME. She worked on me for about 90-minutes, and when I got up, I was a whole new SD. Back to that happy, self-confident, calm SD of last summer. I've felt so out of balance, and it's like everything is fine tuned again.

Don't know how it works, don't care, I feel better, refreshed, and refocused today.

Thanks Dana for popping in. Yeah, I know about the end of the school year...that's a huge part of the stress. It's a good thing H is out of town while I finish up, though I think he could safely come home now that I've had my treatment!!!

SD

[Rob1231]

Attagirl! We've all been there - so glad to hear you getting back on top of things. You are wonderful!

So, I'll confess my ignorance - what is Reiki? Some kind of massage?