Schools Out for the Summer!

[Rob1231]

I'll think about this some more. My initial thoughts:
1) Taking a risk
2) Opening my heart up for hurt or good things
3) Letting go of the past and starting totally fresh (although I'm not sure how you do that when you know someone's past and their character in that way already)

I understand what you are saying about forgiveness being a gift you give yourself, however, I am not there. I admit that. Not sure when or if I will be. I really feel like I have come to a place of acceptance but not forgiveness. I don't think I view forgiveness the same as a lot of people here. I view acceptance as the necesary step for me to move on in life, not forgiveness. While the past pains hurt, I feel like I've tried to accept most of them and rebuild my life. The issue I have with spending time with H and why it hurts so much, I feel like most of the time, is the hurts haven't stopped, because I still haven't been treated well. I am not in a place where I can open myself up to this man because I think I'd be a fool to do that since he hasn't yet shown that he is in a place where he does have pure and loving intentions, wishes to gain my trust or my respect. I know you weren't saying I should put myself out there... just thinking aloud and went into a different stream of thought.

I'm glad you're thinking about it. I'm going to say one more thing, then I'll shut up about it for a while.

Remember, this forgiveness thing is for YOUR benefit. Exclusively for YOU. I'm not suggesting for you to say a thing to H about it, and I'm not saying he deserves it, and I'm not saying he wouldn't hurt you again. I'm also not saying you are wrong to have felt hurt - god knows, you didn't ask for it or deserve it in any way, and it DOES hurt like hell.

But right now, you've built yourself back up to where you're a pretty happy, confident, terrific person. Except when you encounter or even think too much about H - then suddenly you find you have this anchor around your neck weighing you down. True?

Look at it like this: If H was struck by an alien transporter ray and vanished completely and forever from the face of the earth tomorrow, I suspect you would still be carrying around some pain and resentment from what has happened between him and you. Suppose you know he's never coming back, and that you can never face him and get "closure". Now, your continuing hurt isn't impacting him in any way - but it's still weighing YOU down. So, the question is, REGARDLESS of anything that H does or doesn't do in the future, what would it take for you to let go of that hurting - purely for your own freedom from it and future happiness?

Hope that makes SOME kind of sense. (((HUGS!)))