When's it my turn?

[SDFoundGirl]

HI Cat. Thanks for responding. A few things....

I've pretty much gone the same way w/my H, his new job is very demanding and he's still in a "trial" position. I also felt most of his time went to the job and not to me. Problem is, a job defines a man, and if he doesn't pay enough attention to the details about his job he might loose it.

I really do understand this, and I even understand why H feels he need to do this. However, the pressure truly is pressure he puts on himself. I *used* to put my job first. I'm a teacher, and it is my true passion in life. Nothing came before teaching, and a lot of that was not only because it was my interest, but because I am good at it and it defined who I was. My value was all tied up in my profession.

Now, this was a HUUUUGE point of contention for my H. He griped about it a lot, and I ignored it because it felt like an attack. Once the bomb was dropped, I went to IC and worked hard on dealing with that issue. And I can say that although I still LOVE what I do, my M comes first.

So I get it, but I also get how warped it is. I refuse to sit by and be second. I won't, regardless of what sociologists say about men and their jobs. I had that mentality. I put my M in perspective for the good of my M. He's not exempt.

[quote=cat03THe trouble is, when were are pouting and crying and telling them "you dont' say you love me!" , the *last* thing they feel like at that time is loving.

So, having been in your shoes the best I can say to you is RELAX. Withdrawing sex will *not* get you anything. For a woman to be in the mood for sex she has to feel a connection first, for a man, he has to have sex first and then the feelings of bonding come. [/quote]

I want to make this clear. The only time I bring this up is in MC, and it's always in I-messages. I need these things; he will either be able to do it or he won't. I don't whine, wheedle, cry or pout. If there's a reason he doesn't want to do this, then he needs to speak up. However, as a part of MC, he agreed to this exercise. I'm doing it, he is not. It's about responsibility, ownership and communication.

As for the ML...I'm not withholding it as a weapon. I simply can't give myself to someone when the ONLY time they touch me or demonstrate love towards me is when they want to get laid. I can't do it. You can just as easily say he is withholding love. Why is it that women are supposed to be the ones to compromise?

As a victim of sexual violence (I was date raped in college), I refuse to ML unless it is just that. I take full responsibility for not saying NO to my H the other night. I should have, and I will in the future. However, when I am feeling no connection to my partner, when I just feel like a piece of @ss, I will not have sex just to help him feel more connected to me. I have bent over backwards to do everything he has asked. I will not put myself in the position to feel dirty and angry and used just so H is happy. It's a two way street.

BTW, I didn't give him a hard time about it. H knew nothing of my feelings until MC, and again, then, it was in I-messages. I accept my responsibility, but I won't hide my feelings any longer. He can choose whatever he wants to do, but his choice do have consequences. That's just reality.

I whine here because I have to process how I'm feeling and get to the core of what's really bothering me. With H, I have learned to express my feelings directly and without attacking him.

In the end, he will be the partner I want because he chooses to, or he will no longer be my partner because he chooses that too. He asked for what he wanted, and I am constantly working on doing that for US. If he won't meet me halfway, I'm out. I want a partner.

It takes two....

SD