Schools Out for the Summer!

[galing]

Just try not to take those negative feelings too far. Maybe try to picture yourself as the calm, serene, grown-up, strong Zen master who has come through the fire to reach a place of peace and happiness. When you are confronted with the upset, angry, depressed, lost, hurt, confused mess who is your H, look down upon him from your lofty perch with a feeling of pity rather than anger. It sometimes helped me to think of my W's MLC as a sickness - not something she really chose, but something that happened to her which she had no control over.

Just want to clarify... I do feel pity for it (actually pity is the wrong word), not really anger (at least not most of the time). I feel turned off by it. It isn't attractive. I'm not attracted to him like this, this isn't the person that I would want to be with because right now, he hasn't yet shown that he is a good man or a man that would treat me well. He is afraid to even compliment me it seems. He doesn't want to show that part of him yet, he is really scared (he has told me that) and so am I. The unforunate thing is the stuff I need to not be scared, in many ways, is the stuff he won't do so he is scared. Maybe he isn't capable of it but he really doesn't want to be that man, to me, right now, and at some point, he will have to step up or he won't and I'll know what to do then. While I see your point about sickness, I think there are quite a few things my H can control about himself right now that he chooses not to because he wants CONTROL and wants to ensure he isn't doing anything that he thinks I'd want him to be doing because then he might be doing it because of me instead of for himself. In my opinion, he's taken that to a crazy level since I don't want to control him, I want him to be healthy and happy, and it only hurts him but he has a notion that I've controlled him in our marriage. That frustrates me because that again puts the blame on me, rather than on him taking responsibility for stepping up and speaking up and knowing what he wants and doing it. Oh well.... again... time will tell.

Here's a question for you. What would it take for you to be able to forgive H? (Assume, just for the sake of argument, that H at least starts taking baby steps in the right direction.)

Now the tricky part. Work on answering this question without mentioning H at all. In other words, no "H would have to never cheat again" or "H would have to get serious about counseling and resolving his problems" or "H would have to recommit to the M".

Instead, answer this question in terms of YOU. What would need to change in DANA to be able to forgive H?

I'll think about this some more. My initial thoughts:
1) Taking a risk
2) Opening my heart up for hurt or good things
3) Letting go of the past and starting totally fresh (although I'm not sure how you do that when you know someone's past and their character in that way already)

I understand what you are saying about forgiveness being a gift you give yourself, however, I am not there. I admit that. Not sure when or if I will be. I really feel like I have come to a place of acceptance but not forgiveness. I don't think I view forgiveness the same as a lot of people here. I view acceptance as the necesary step for me to move on in life, not forgiveness. While the past pains hurt, I feel like I've tried to accept most of them and rebuild my life. The issue I have with spending time with H and why it hurts so much, I feel like most of the time, is the hurts haven't stopped, because I still haven't been treated well. I am not in a place where I can open myself up to this man because I think I'd be a fool to do that since he hasn't yet shown that he is in a place where he does have pure and loving intentions, wishes to gain my trust or my respect. I know you weren't saying I should put myself out there... just thinking aloud and went into a different stream of thought.