Schools Out for the Summer!

[Rob1231]

Hey Dana,

What a great post! You sound really solid and strong right now. My first reaction reading it was to be thrilled that more than the first half of it was all about you, and H wasn't really mentioned at all. That's fantastic - your priorities are just where they should be right now. Congrats on stepping up to grad school and everything else!

I just didn't feel right going after seeing him the week before and seeing that he still seemed in a very dark place and like he needs to keep figuring himself out and what he wants before I hang out with him. I felt I made the right decision when he got very angry on the phone with me for cancelling and didn't seem interested in why or how I felt and also told me he isn't going to counseling anymore.

I agree that you made a good decision. He's trying to do some serious cake-eating here, and maybe a good ol' 2x4 upside the head will do him some good.

We've talked a few more times since then and I feel like we have been at a stand still. Neither of us seems willing to budge. He wants no strings attached, hang out and see, and I want more of a committment from him in knowing he's becoming a better man before I see him and in knowing that he will treat me with respect and dignity. I had a weird thing happen one day this week that kind of made me feel like, "okay Dana, you have to meet half way." So I'm trying to figure out what that middle ground might be.

I saw him yesterday for a few minutes. When I see him, in a way, I feel like it's good for me. Although I love him, he doesn't really treat me in a way that makes me want to be around him more. I want him to treat me like someone really special and I feel like he makes little jabs at me here and there and isn't fulfilling any of my needs (acts of service, quality time doing fun things, words of affection). And the thing is... I don't take those anymore as "why doesn't he like me and care about me" but now as a reflection of him instead of a reflection of me

I'm with you right up until this point. You're reaching an admirable level of detachment here - distancing yourself from his behavior and knowing that it's his problems that are making him sad and crazy - nothing to do with you.

... and so they really put him in a bad light in my eyes. In a way, me spending time with him may help me be pushed away from him while maybe bringing him closer, so maybe we'll be on a more level playing field regarding our feelings. I don't know.

Just try not to take those negative feelings too far. Maybe try to picture yourself as the calm, serene, grown-up, strong Zen master who has come through the fire to reach a place of peace and happiness. When you are confronted with the upset, angry, depressed, lost, hurt, confused mess who is your H, look down upon him from your lofty perch with a feeling of pity rather than anger. It sometimes helped me to think of my W's MLC as a sickness - not something she really chose, but something that happened to her which she had no control over.

I'm trying right now to just remember that and hang out with him and see what happens. If he doesn't show me he is a good man who is going to treat me well, and build trust and respect with me, then with time, I'll know what to do. So, time will tell ...

There you go. TIME AND PATIENCE. I know - it's tough, REALLY tough, to be patient with someone who has hurt you like this.

Here's a question for you. What would it take for you to be able to forgive H? (Assume, just for the sake of argument, that H at least starts taking baby steps in the right direction.)

Now the tricky part. Work on answering this question without mentioning H at all. In other words, no "H would have to never cheat again" or "H would have to get serious about counseling and resolving his problems" or "H would have to recommit to the M".

Instead, answer this question in terms of YOU. What would need to change in DANA to be able to forgive H? Now, please don't misread this as a criticism of you - it's honestly not! Looking back at my own sitch, as long as I was holding onto my own pain and indignation over W's actions towards me, I was hurting just one person - myself. Really, W was too nutso and self-absorbed to be paying much attention to how I felt. And as long as I couldn't get over the past wrongs and present craziness, well, that really blocked my chances of looking forward to any kind of positive future.

I eventually worked through this in my head to where I could say (in my own head), "Regardless of what you've done to me, I choose to forgive you. I'm letting those bad feelings go and I am not going to be victimized by them any more." And the weight that came off of MY shoulders was amazing. I "got it" for the first time what they mean when they say "Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself."

I'll admit, this wasn't as easy and clean a process as I just described - not like flipping a switch. And I'll admit that forgiveness is no guarantee you won't be hurt again - but you know what? You NEVER get that guarantee, from ANYONE. The only way to "guarantee" it is to really learn that your happiness comes from inside yourself, not from anyone outside of you.

Whew, I'm running off at the keyboard again. So, back to my question: What would it take for you to be able to forgive H? Think about it!