Schools Out for the Summer!

[galing]

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Just going to journal about some things happening in my life lately.

Today was my last day of work for the school year! Yesterday was the last day with the kids. It was hard to see them go, and refreshing all at once. Lots of tears from the kiddos. Lots of low income kids that don't know what their summer will bring and who need the stability of school so they have a hard time leaving at the end of the year. Felt that way on a much smaller scale myself I think, with the uncertainty of my own summer plans. It feels good to finish my second year of teaching. It was the longest and shortest year of my life, I think. I feel like I was in a bit of a fog for most of the year and have just in the past 2 months come out of it. I'm looking forward to a fresh start next year. I'm also really looking forward to co-teaching much more next year since I'll be working with one of my closest friends who is moving to the grade level that I'm the specialist for and she is very in to co-teaching and inclusion with ESL kids.

So here I am at summer. I am going back go grad school this summer. I start next week. I applied for a loan to pay for it and I'm still waiting to get all that figured out but it's in the works. My first school loan (eek!). Feels a bit strange and a bit empowering all at once. I've always paid for school as I've gone before or my parents paid so I've been really lucky that way. I know if H and I were still in a committed relationship I would ask him to help me pay for school, but it feels good to just go ahead and do it for myself. It will pay for itself after a year of working so that's good.

I haven't found a summer job yet. I heard back on the one lead and it didn't work for them to have someone short term. However, I have two more leads I'm following up on and if those don't work out, then I may just consider getting something at a local store or something just to have some extra cash and to stay busy. I think it's probably important for me to keep busy and focused on me through that and other things.

I'm playing volleyball and really enjoying that and making a lot of new friends through it. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to meet those people - they are amazing people and extremely social and outgoing and keep inviting me to just the coolest events. Sent out an invitation today for my next card party in July as well. Seeing the Fray in concert next week and having people at my house for a beginning of summer get together. So, lots of good things in store. Looking forward to just getting to know my city better this summer, playing v-ball, working on my masters, playing golf, reading books, gardening, spending time with family and friends, and training my dog in better.

Still hoping to possibly travel in August to Costa Rica since classes will be out at that time. It will depend on risky I want to be with my finances. Roomate situation is still up in the air. I have someone really interested and I have to sit down in the next few days and figure out what I would charge and if it is something I'm okay with doing or not.

On the H front, after a month of not speaking, he initiated contact about 2 weeks ago by showing up at the house. He talked, said he still isn't sure, doesn't know what to do, etc. He had a hard time looking me in the eye, was teary eyed, and seem fairly depressed still. He called me a few days later and about 10 times over that weekend and asked me out for drinks, coffee, dinner, etc. about 4 times. I was busy or had plans at all the times because of the short notice so I declined. He finally asked for something out a few days and I said yes. I backed out though the day before. I wasn't ready and it was too much pressure (the meeting was for on our 8 year wedding anniversary) and I just didn't feel right going after seeing him the week before and seeing that he still seemed in a very dark place and like he needs to keep figuring himself out and what he wants before I hang out with him. I felt I made the right decision when he got very angry on the phone with me for cancelling and didn't seem interested in why or how I felt and also told me he isn't going to counseling anymore.

We've talked a few more times since then and I feel like we have been at a stand still. Neither of us seems willing to budge. He wants no strings attached, hang out and see, and I want more of a committment from him in knowing he's becoming a better man before I see him and in knowing that he will treat me with respect and dignity. I had a weird thing happen one day this week that kind of made me feel like, "okay Dana, you have to meet half way." So I'm trying to figure out what that middle ground might be.

I saw him yesterday for a few minutes. When I see him, in a way, I feel like it's good for me. Although I love him, he doesn't really treat me in a way that makes me want to be around him more. I want him to treat me like someone really special and I feel like he makes little jabs at me here and there and isn't fulfilling any of my needs (acts of service, quality time doing fun things, words of affection). And the thing is... I don't take those anymore as "why doesn't he like me and care about me" but now as a reflection of him instead of a reflection of me and so they really put him in a bad light in my eyes. In a way, me spending time with him may help me be pushed away from him while maybe bringing him closer, so maybe we'll be on a more level playing field regarding our feelings. I don't know. I'm trying right now to just remember that and hang out with him and see what happens. If he doesn't show me he is a good man who is going to treat me well, and build trust and respect with me, then with time, I'll know what to do. So, time will tell and in the meantime, I'm going to just keep trying to ensure that I am reacting in the way I want to react and spending time with him in the ways that I'm comfortable based on how he is treating me and based on how I feel about him.

Okay....long long long post.