H and I have been dancing around this issue for a while...
We've been using the word "connected" to describe the feelings of closeness, interconnectedness, intimacy... that most people want to feel with their S. "Love" can just mean too many things to too many people.
H been consistant about saying that he still loves me and cares for me - I never got the ILYBINILWY line. What I got instead was "I don't feel 'connected'. He says that OW and he have always felt a really strong connection. (She's an old flame, so "always" is a superset of our entire relationship.) Initially, he talked about being soulmates and other vague stuff. She always "just knows" what he needs (does this sound like infatuation to anyone else?) But, we've really tried to dive into this, and came up with some stuff that makes for connection:
- US not just ME and YOU. OK, maybe this falls into that vague "soulmates" category, but it got me thinking about whether we ever do thing "for the relationship". We definitely do things for each other, but maybe we'd fell more connected - more "in love" - if we did things for the relationship. - Having/making big plans together. Working towards something shared, like moving, starting a family, building a house, planning retirement... - Shared adventure or challenge. For us, this usually happens when we're traveling or hiking. You get lost, and have to work together to find your way back. If the hike or the trip goes really smoothly, is doesn't serve to "connect" us as much, even thought it's really fun. - physical intimacy - crisis. Like when a friend or family member dies. Kind of feeling closer because you went through hell together.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on the kind of love I want to have with H. No doubt, the list is not complete, but it starts to describe "love" for me.
Me 41 H 42 M 11 years no children Bomb: 10/2006 "I'm better without you than with you." Separated: 12/2006 H moved back: 6/2007
