What you are telling ME on this forum, is; "I'm asking him to come up with some of his own tactics and at least be willing to try them out on me without getting my "approval" first. ". Exactly what part of that would you not want to tell your husband?
I would tell him all of that. BUT, without the specifics, I think he sort of gets overwhlemed and resorts to his usual MO. That is where I lose interest. He can't seem to think outside the box (no pun intended, lol) as easy as many guys seem to be able to. This is the curse of having some very sexually adventurous partners in life I know it can be better but....
Again, he is TRYING so hard and I give him an A+ for effort. And his mind-set is also excellent these days. When I lost interest the other night, I told him I felt really bad/guilty about it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He quickly told me to not feel like that at all. That he wants to be the one to be initiating more now even if that means getting rejected now and then. What I should have responded with was that I wanted him to just push a little more. Is that unfair of me? Maybe. I said I was just not into it and he stopped. How do you tell/convince someone that what I say is not really what I want? And isn't that sort of F-ed up of me to expect him to keep going. But I do! Haven't quite figured out how to get that point across though. LFL
LFL wrote: "Haven't quite figured out how to get that point across though."
Have you tried cut and paste?
What you are saying makes sense to me. It probably makes sense to most of the forum. Take a step out of your comfort zone, and see if it makes sense to him.
I knew that you had a keeper when your husband stepped up to the plate and met your "June Cleaver" with "Ward Cleaver" on your date. Don't misjudge him, give him a chance.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Aw, thanks Nop. And you are so right when you say I need to step even further out of my comfort zone. It is no easier for me to get my points across than it is for him. It's scary sometimes, but we are worth the effort. Thanks for that. LFL
The act will never be as sexually exciting if you have to spell out to a man what steps to take.
I respectfully disagree with you on this one. Granted I don't want my H to turn around and do exactly what I've spelled out the same day I explain it to him....but in a few days, or a week or so....works for me! I think though that's because I'm recognzing that he's making that effort FOR ME. I guess in my perspective it's all in how you choose to receive what he does.
If you go into it with the frame of mind "if I have to spell it out to you why bother!?" it won't be as exciting you're right. If you go into it with "this is what I'd REALLY like, if you could suprise me this way sometime...MAN would you reap the benefits!" it can really change the dynamic. I guess what I'm saying is...it's all in the attitude you choose to approach that with. That's me though, I'm a strange animal at times.
When I lost interest the other night, I told him I felt really bad/guilty about it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He quickly told me to not feel like that at all. That he wants to be the one to be initiating more now even if that means getting rejected now and then. What I should have responded with was that I wanted him to just push a little more. Is that unfair of me? Maybe. I said I was just not into it and he stopped.
Did you know at the time that you could be persuaded? Or did you only realize that in retrospect?
Did you think that if you had told him to persuade you, he would have felt pressured and done it badly? Not that that would have been a bad assumption, mind you, but perhaps that was why you just gave up at that point? Or were you not sure that you could be persuaded? His next step in any case, is to understand that he can and should do a moderate amount of playful, assertive pushing, that you'll sometimes get into the mood, and that when do don't he's not annoying, offending, or imposing on you.
Seriously... a lot of us think that if you're not already hungry for it and ready for it, any sexual overture on our part will annoy or offend you.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
That sounds like a very healthy way to look at it GEL. I'm getting there. But I never claimed to not be a PITA about this issue. At least I have insight into the fact that a large part of this is MY issue. My H could not be trying any harder than he is. I really feel that way. And yet, I still find something to complain about...not enough excitement/surprises, whatever. So I can work on my attitude more for sure. Thanks for that reminder. LFL
LFL...my friend, BELIEVE me...I'm so familiar with how difficult it can be to change your own attitude. I still battle with it myself, I constantly have to give myself a swift kick in the azz about it (and don't you know I look pretty darned stupid doing that! LOL)
Did you know at the time that you could be persuaded? Or did you only realize that in retrospect?
To be honest, I don't know. Maybe I was just HOPING I could be persuaded. Because I really was not feeling sexual at all when he initiated.
Quote:
Did you think that if you had told him to persuade you, he would have felt pressured and done it badly? Not that that would have been a bad assumption, mind you, but perhaps that was why you just gave up at that point? Or were you not sure that you could be persuaded?
I'm sure he would have persued if I had said something and would have kept a good attitude about it. Again, this points to it being more MY issue than his. I think I must have been subconsciously fearful that I wouldn't get turned on and so I in some way blame him for not being assertive/exciting enough. That is largely BS and I am realizing that more and more. It is ME that can't seem to just let go and enjoy the act all the time. Don't get me wrong, we have been having some great sex, but every few times, I just can't seem to get my head into the game. I am honest with him about that but I still feel bad and probably put some false blame on him (inside my own head). LFL
LFL wrote: "probably put some false blame on him (inside my own head)."
Probably true. In general, women are more judgmental than men. That's why it is important not to pre-judge his potential reaction to your requests.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Did you know at the time that you could be persuaded? Or did you only realize that in retrospect?
To be honest, I don't know. Maybe I was just HOPING I could be persuaded. Because I really was not feeling sexual at all when he initiated.
So you didn't know whether it would work? My W isn't always sure either, and sometimes doesn't get into it like she'd hoped she would. And she knows it's not the end of the world. Most of the time she does, and she's developed confidence that just getting started will usually heat her up like she wants, and if it doesn't, there's always next time.
Originally Posted By: LustForLife
Quote:
Did you think that if you had told him to persuade you, he would have felt pressured and done it badly? Not that that would have been a bad assumption, mind you, but perhaps that was why you just gave up at that point? Or were you not sure that you could be persuaded?
I'm sure he would have persued if I had said something and would have kept a good attitude about it. Again, this points to it being more MY issue than his. I think I must have been subconsciously fearful that I wouldn't get turned on and so I in some way blame him for not being assertive/exciting enough. That is largely BS and I am realizing that more and more. It is ME that can't seem to just let go and enjoy the act all the time. Don't get me wrong, we have been having some great sex, but every few times, I just can't seem to get my head into the game. I am honest with him about that but I still feel bad and probably put some false blame on him (inside my own head). LFL
Missing it every few times isn't the end of the world. I think most of this will go away as you get more successes under your belt and you lose your anxieties over the whole thing.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I know it can be better but....