OT - COG regarding: Unconditional Love

[Crazy Eddie]

Well, my first goal has been to gain a good understanding of S4's personality type and temperament. From my reading I've got a pretty good sense of his type (probably type 5 like his dad). Also he seems to fit the description of being a "spirited child" and a highly-sensitive child. (I believe that cac is also "spirited" and I know that we are both HSPs.) S4 is definitely introverted.

Once I understand his behavior and the (personality) motivations behind it, I can encourage stepping out of his comfort zone, while still respecting his core personality. I don't ever want him to think that there's something wrong with him (as I thought about myself) just because he isn't "like everyone else." I want him to know that I love him for who he is, a lovable person.

Well put. If you insist that he change something that he absolutely can't change, he'll keep failing and lose confidence. If you don't push him to be the best he can be, he'll miss the opportunity to succeed and build confidence. But first you've got to have a good idea of what he can and can't do, what is part of his core personality and what's just a matter of needing to learn and practice better behavior.

It helps that the three of us have temperament similarities and that my personality type gives me a strong desire to understand others. I won't expect him to be extroverted or daring or a leader because those characteristics don't fit with his temperament. They don't fit with our types either. I will expect him to make his best effort in whatever he choses to do.

I can see where that makes it easier. If the child has a completely different temperament from the parent, that parent can be very confused as to what behaviors and attitudes the child is and is not capable of.

I'm not sure what you mean by correction. But I think it makes a difference how it's presented to the child. I try to make suggestions in an impersonal way. Instead of "you need to do it this way" I might say "how about trying it this way?" or "it might work this way." I do the same when I try to enforce rules. Rather than saying "you need to do x" I'll say "it's time to do x," or "please do x." If S4 balks then I say "the rules in the house are that we do x." So the child doesn't come out thinking that he's incompetent or stupid or bad.

I remember reading that parents shouldn't directly correct a child's speech, but that they should repeat the statement or word back to the child correctly. Child might say "he run across the street" and parent would say "oh, he ran across the street?" It's correcting without making the child feel bad about himself.

One thing I always try to stick to when they mess up is "try again tomorrow". As in, they fell short today, but they're not doomed to fall short their whole lives... they can do better tomorrow. Not that they seem to even hear it when they're busy lamenting that their world has ended and every hope for happiness is gone because they have to miss an activity or stay in their room for five minutes, but maybe if we repeat it enough times, it'll stick.