I think most women have certain ‘Hot spots’ that trigger their sexuality. I was married for 19 years and my X was prone to providing me lists of activities (house work, kids, etc…) that she deemed the source of the problem with her lack of desire. For the majority of our marriage sex was a 1 to 2 times per month. At one stretch 1 every 3 months.
It was always controlled by her, when she wanted it and what we did. I lacked the boundary skills or maybe communication ability to address this issue. I should of dragged her off to counseling. I did all the items on her list …. Laundry, kids, house-work, 2nd job. It never seemed enough for her and the results were disappointing. Her favorite comment was “The only time you touch me is when you want sex”. This was a 100% incorrect statement from her. I think that she used it to control me and provide validity for her rejection of me. Again, I needed a 3rd party counselor to help us. Actually, I needed someone to help me from being run all over. I was run over in all aspects of the marriage (financial, sex, kids, time)
I did not think these issues were severe enough for a divorce but apparently she did. She left me for a younger guy. After I look back on this I realize that I was controlled, manipulated and needed severe help with setting boundaries. My weakness caused her to disrespect me thus causing a lack of desire on her part. That is how I view it. Today, I am so glad to be away from her!
I have been with quite a few women prior to the X and I can say that most were very sexual but definitely wanted to control the sex. Most enjoyed the sex but had to be in the mood and rarely initated the event. A few did.
I had a girlfriend that was all about the SEX. I remember going over to her apartment and I would be watching TV in the living room and she would casually walk into the bedroom, grab a pillow, bring it into the living room and start to undress with a smile on her face. Man, was she confident and sexual! I wonder if I can find her phone number?
Green was right on track with the ‘Honeymoon’ period buy I don’t understand why most women do not want sex even if they obviously enjoy it so much once they get going. Most women can see that it keeps their man happy, their eyes from wandering. It does not make sense.
This response is actually aimed at AC. I want to point out something you said that he needs to hear.
Quote: "I did not think these issues were severe enough for a divorce but apparently she did. She left me for a younger guy. After I look back on this I realize that I was controlled, manipulated and needed severe help with setting boundaries. My weakness caused her to disrespect me thus causing a lack of desire on her part. "
AC, you need to study this.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
THe question is why some women are HD and other are not. Why are the HD women on here STILL HD? Supposedly relationship issues are the cause of becoming LD. But the HD women on here show that is NOT true. Most of them HAVE BIG TIME relationship issues and yet they still are HD. To me what this really means is that the chemicals of desire are still there. These women have a HUGE head start on other women. But going beyond that, most therapists to one degree or another, recommend actions that will CHANGE the chemical makeup of the women. Some recommend workouts (to boost testosterone). Others recommend almost daily sex for a long time (this again changes the chemical makeup of the women by spurring chemicals that cause desire. Remember that women are the opposite of men, sex CAUSES desire for more sex).
This does not mean that relationship issues don't cause problems, but when it comes right down to it, he chemicals of desire just are not there for a whole lot of women.
From my own personal observations and from talks with other men, I have no doubt that a MAJOR issue men have with their wives is the LACK of desire. In my circle of male friends I have yet to hear any guy in there complain that his wife is TOO sexual. Heck, most of them are talking about going to the strip clubs where they can actually SEE a naked woman. Sad state I know.
Have you not noticed that we are not CONSTANTLY HD? Have you not noticed that EVERY single one of us women on here who you consider to be HD go therough LD times? Heck, Haphazard is going through one right now. LFL too for that matter to a degree, because they aren't receiving something they need. Even I go through these LD times, I'm going through one right now as a matter of fact. I think about sex, but just can't bring myself at the moment to do anything about it.
So my point is...even an HD woman who considers herself HD doesn't continually stay that way...it ebbs and flows.
Beyond what GEL said about fluctuating states, which is true ...
Why indeed? I think if you search hard and discover the answer to that question you might just be able to solve your problems. Why is it that some women on this board, who are (by their accounts) treated badly by their H's in many ways, are still hot for them? According to you they are just ... unusual cases. But is that really true?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
gotta say, as abrasive as Cemar's delivery may be...I can't say I think he's wrong about much of this.
I did know a guy..ONE guy...ONCE...who complained that his GF wanted it too often. "{sigh} all the time...". I, of course, was actually offended by the mere notion, and yelled at him that he ought to be on his knees every day thanking the Lord above for the gem he was sent!! (and I'm not religious. LOL!!)
seriously. One guy. every other comment I have ever heard was decrying the opposite condition. jokes...snarky comments...etc. Even in popular culture, the gags and stuff on TV sit-coms. (except for one: remember mr and mrs Roper, from "Three's Company"? She was the HD one...that was funny because it was so unheard of.) anyway, the jokes like the ever-popular one about the smiling bride wouldn't be funny if there wasn't some truth to them. funny story: a guy I know was recounting his recent vasectomy experience. (quite rare, actually, for guys to ever speak aloud of anything so intimate...but anyway...) he said that after it was all done, the doc said to him that he wouldn't actually be sterile right away, and that he'd have to have 20 ejaculations before any errant sperm were completely out of the plumbing. To which the patient responded in an insensed tone, "you mean I gotta wait TWO YEARS before I can actually USE this????!!!??" of course, we all just about fell on the floor laughing so hard.
But, researchers like Snarch and MWD state that they have "studies" that say its a 50/50 mix. What they DON'T say is how they collected the data. and I find it rather suspect, just noting the nature of men and women. If a woman has anything to complain about, you WILL hear about it. not so w/ men. especially irt anything that has anything to do w/ sex or relationships. Even if you pin them down and force them to fill out the questionaire, they probably won't tell you the truth. Heard an interesting comment recently, on the subject of "viagra" et al. (something on tv...don't remember the context). even with all the millions and millions of $$$ they've made on the stuff, with all the pills they've sold, it was estimated that only 20% of the men that could use it have even enquired about it. Most would much rather suffer w/ ED than talk about it. (which would naturally be required in order to get a rx.). I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if one day it comes out that while 50% of the people that show up at councelor's offices looking for SSM help are men...they are only 20% of the men who are suffering from the condition, 80% of whom will not seek help.
The HD women who have been treated badly, yet remain HD...why? because they just are. I believe that if that is your LL, there isn't much of anything anyone can do to you to change that. Reading through all these books, which list the "causes" (psychological, medical, etc) of LD, it really seems that *I* should be the LD one. (and W made the same statement, independantly). But I'm not. Because I'm not.
I believe all of the anecdotal evidence you give (and it is persuasive taken at face value) can be laid at the feet of our cultural stupidity with regards to sexuality. I really do believe that when we get more in touch with our animal heritage, and accept the sexual roles given to us by evolutionary biology, all the cultural crap foisted upon us by our Puritanical forefathers has a chance of fading to the background and HD-ness would be more likely to occur. I really don't subscribe to the notion that MOST HD/LD people are "just that way." Yes, I would agree that some people have biochemical reasons for being HD/LD, but for the most part I believe it is environmental.
Of course that is JMH(and unscientific)O
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I really don't subscribe to the notion that MOST HD/LD people are "just that way." Yes, I would agree that some people have biochemical reasons for being HD/LD, but for the most part I believe it is environmental.
I agree. We know that people's desire levels can be different in different Rs. We know that HD women such as those here seem to experience periods of LD based on things going on in their lives/Rs. I'm starting to think that one's HD can be directly affected by the level of one's partner's LD (the less the LD partner wants it, the more the HD partner wants it). Haven't HD women here posted that when their LD H steps up to the plate they suddenly find themselves lacking in desire?
I'll bet that if cac's friend had had an LD GF instead of his HD GF, he'd have been commiserating with cac about never getting any instead of complaining about getting too much.
