How do you as a parent do this with your child? My formative parenting days are over, and I know what you are saying here, but how does it work out practically?
Well, my first goal has been to gain a good understanding of S4's personality type and temperament. From my reading I've got a pretty good sense of his type (probably type 5 like his dad). Also he seems to fit the description of being a "spirited child" and a highly-sensitive child. (I believe that cac is also "spirited" and I know that we are both HSPs.) S4 is definitely introverted.
Once I understand his behavior and the (personality) motivations behind it, I can encourage stepping out of his comfort zone, while still respecting his core personality. I don't ever want him to think that there's something wrong with him (as I thought about myself) just because he isn't "like everyone else." I want him to know that I love him for who he is, a lovable person.
It helps that the three of us have temperament similarities and that my personality type gives me a strong desire to understand others. I won't expect him to be extroverted or daring or a leader because those characteristics don't fit with his temperament. They don't fit with our types either. I will expect him to make his best effort in whatever he choses to do.
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I know I tried to express this to my child during her childhood, but I know I failed on occasion. I know some children are very sensitive to correction of any sort. So, how do you correct without the child experiencing that correction as a rejection of themself?
I'm not sure what you mean by correction. But I think it makes a difference how it's presented to the child. I try to make suggestions in an impersonal way. Instead of "you need to do it this way" I might say "how about trying it this way?" or "it might work this way." I do the same when I try to enforce rules. Rather than saying "you need to do x" I'll say "it's time to do x," or "please do x." If S4 balks then I say "the rules in the house are that we do x." So the child doesn't come out thinking that he's incompetent or stupid or bad.
I remember reading that parents shouldn't directly correct a child's speech, but that they should repeat the statement or word back to the child correctly. Child might say "he run across the street" and parent would say "oh, he ran across the street?" It's correcting without making the child feel bad about himself.
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I encountered some of this feeling as an adult when NOP and I were working on our sexual issues. The feeling of "but this is ME, this is who I am!" and "I'm having to change ME!" was one I had to deal with often and the resultant resentment that would sometimes arise. Have you encountered this yourself as you and cac work through things?
I don't really think I did. One of the things that attracted me to cac was that he seemed to accept me for who I was. Now I realize it's probably because of some similarities in our temperaments. We had similar negative high school experiences and we both blossomed in college. I never felt that I had to be or act like someone I wasn't.
Now, interestingly, I've made some changes and cac is responding, but I think he's feeling a bit of what you're describing. I'm finding that one of the gifts of raising a child is the opportunity to understand myself and cac better and that this understanding translates to a better R.
I don't know how your R came to change, but with us, it wasn't the result of the HD person making any sort of ultimatim. I never felt that cac was EXPECTING me to change; I simply came to realize that he was very unhappy and decided that I wanted to change. Once I realized that, I jumped in with both feet and left cac wondering what to do with the gator snapping at him (NOP's analogy a couple of months ago).
I guess maybe what I'm trying to say is that my identity has never really revolved around my sexuality (LD, HD, noD, etc.) My identity has always revolved around my sensitivities, my cautiousness, my introverted tendencies (which of course impact my sexuality). I imagine I wouldn't have fared well in an R with a extroverted, adventurous, dare-devil.
