My H said something similar a few months ago and I burst into tears. That little opening turned into a flood of information that we desparately needed to communicate. I think that is an excellent approach. Ambientcoast, you are lacking any real intimacy with your W. You need to confront her on these issues, as uncomfortable as it makes you feel and as scared you are of her possible answers. LFL
Why don't you ask the ladies for some honest answers to those questions.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
A couple of points. Her "why should I?" question was without doubt rhetorical. She definitely wasn't looking for an answer. It's difficult to intonate aspects of conversation in writing.
Her "make an effort" comment was directed at my half-hearted approach to kissing her this morning - I'll bet the farm, the tractor, and every last freaking cow, that it wasn't in any way related to what happened earlier.
This really isn't a game right now. When it comes to intimacy, she truly doesn't want it - nor does she want me to 'pursue' her. Or at least that's how she's got me thinking.
Myabe I need a crash course in women. Because reading you guys' comments, I'm seriously beginning to doubt my ability to understand what's happening here.
All I know is that she is a completely closed book at the minute, and as far as I know, there's not anyone else on the planet right now who gets to peek inside. Not her mother, not her friends, not her family.
Having said that, we did have a "who are you/what do you want" kind of conversation about 3 weeks ago. Her replies went something like this: "I'm the most uninteresting person I know", "there's just nothing about me", "my life is nothing but kids and work", and so on, and so on.
Depression, anyone?
Now, I mentioned she just started a new job about 2 months ago, but she really doesn't like it much so she's not really putting 100% into it. It's also not one of those career-type jobs, either, where you really need to get your head down and make an impression. Also, during the week, all she does with the kids is spend half an hour or so with them when she gets in from work - I do all the school runs, mealtimes, clothes, yada, yada, yada.
So her last comment above was obviously just a bunch of hooey.
Still depression? No idea.
But sure I'm gonna keep trying - and I'm gonna have the odd slip up like this morning - but I'm starting to get tired of the fighting a fight I'm beginning to believe I can't win.
My biggest worry now is what will the kids think of me 10 years down the line when it dawns on them that I left their mother because I wasn't getting any. Which is pretty much what it sounds like.
When it comes to intimacy, she truly doesn't want it - nor does she want me to 'pursue' her.
Jeez. Or maybe she does?
She's got the cajones to end the relationship anytime she wants - as she's already proven. Why would she continue to stick it out if she doesn't want it? Why would she continue to snuggle up to me in bed, kiss me on the lips, book us on vacations, blah, blah, blah.
Is she testing me? How much initiative does she want me to show. Or, rather, how forceful does she want me to be?
Is this normal? Am I missing something here? Have I just lived a really, really, sheltered life up until now, or something.
Oh boy.. You men. She is with you now and YES she wants you to pursue her. You're going about it the wrong way. She gives you an opening and you don't take the bait. You need to start addressing her comments when she makes them. Whether it is why should I have sex? I'm boring. or whatever. Don't let her get away with making such comments. If she is going to make statements like that, then she needs to follow up on them. And YOU need to follow up on them too. At this point, I bet she feels like you just don't want to rock the boat anymore in fear of her leaving again. But in the end, you are going to make it worse if these issues are not addressed. Build the intimacy. LFL
AC wrote: "Having said that, we did have a "who are you/what do you want" kind of conversation about 3 weeks ago. Her replies went something like this: "I'm the most uninteresting person I know", "there's just nothing about me", "my life is nothing but kids and work", and so on, and so on.
Depression, anyone?"
Her last comment was NOT hooey, and it wasn't just about the kiss.
Her other comments in the quote indicate a number of things. Here are a few.
- She is not fully committed to the relationship.
- She believes that she does more than you and is unappreciated (usually an inaccurate perception).
- She still spends time thinking about a previous relationship(s).
- Rather than directly addressing her desires and needs in relation to the relationship, she is "floating" along, making no decisions, waiting for what she knows will happen, but will likely never admit to, and that is for her love to die off. Once that happens, she will leave the relationship mostly guilt free.
I think you should have called "BS" on that conversation.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
