When she mentioned that she wanted to be civil sounds pretty good.
It sounds like a good stepping stone for both of you. At least she is thinking about the future. Don't worry too much, my W is happy now also and wanting to move one with no feelings of remorse, and doesn't take into consideration anyone elses feelings. This is normal (from what I have read).
Both of them really are text book MLCers. As far as full custody, I would refrain from ever mentioning this (or evening attempting it). I can only imagine the "can of worms" you would open if she ever found this out (that you are thinking about doing it). This would really make you the enemy in her eyes. Can u imagine the heartache and stress you will go through afterwards......
Also, you have to do whats best for the girls, and I think the "civil" decision would be the best. I would love to have my DD full time, but I know this is not the right decision for DD (only for myself). Although you are doing a better parenting job than her at the moment.
ERC, keep reading the success stories. This is what keeps my PMA going. Most of the sitches are really so much more worse than ours, with happy endings.
Play the game smart my friend. Your W sounds like she is in a stable and good mood, keep the mood going (regardless of how you feel).
From what I have read in other sitches, when your W gets into this phase (feeling good), she starts to see the sitch a lot differently than when she was mad and angry. The difference is that she will realise many things that she couldn't before, and this will work in your favour.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
ERC - as far as your question about Words of Affirmation, i think if you kept to things about the kids it would be good. Especially and only if they are true. Like your story from the other night playing ball.
"I appreciate the fact you took time out of your day to bring the girls over to watch me play softball tonight. You didn't have to but I had a great time showing off for them, Thanks."
"You always dress the kids nicely, it makes me a proud dad with them looking so cute. I'm always having to say thank you when people complement them. So thank you."
25, No I am her first husband. She was in a relationship prior to me that was not good at all. She is now saying that because of that relationship she was in a bad spot when she decided to marry me. We dated for three years and if I was not a good fit don't you think that she would have recognized it. I agree that I need to stop telling her that what she is doing is wrong. I have for the most part done just that, but I have back slided a bit in that area recently.
As for financial security, I probably do not make as much as her Doc friend but I have always brought in more then enough for us to live a nice lifestyle. We have always made wise decision with the resources that we have. She does not have to work, but always has worked part time as a way to get out of the house and keep her clinical skills current.
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They do not feel selfish OR if they do, they have justified it with their marital revisions and only time and space (meaning no attacking their choices) will allow them to again feel the love and to let the good memories resurface.
I agree 100%.
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or if she is simply the greatest actress of all time. If she tells you she was never happy, never loved you, blah blah blah, jammer jammer, clang clang---- then nominate her for an Oscar. She'd deserve it.
She just might win a lifetime achievement award.
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SO, if you can do it without calling attention to yourself, I'd be VERY available with the kids --doing things with them, spending TIME and planning the time. Sitting around or on the phone so she KNOWS you are doing this without you "showing" her, and have the kids help so they get excited and you will be with them and having fun.
I am doing everything that I can with my girls. We went away a couple of weeks ago and they had a blast. We are going camping this weekend and my 5D cannot stop talking about it. As I have been making plans with our girls I have left the door open for my W to join us. I do not directly come out and say why don't you join us, I leave it up to her to decide if she wants to come along or not.
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Try hard to be upbeat and not show anger to her.
I agree this is hard to do though I am doing a pretty good job with this rightnow. To her face I am upbeat and doing the things a good Dber would do. Although when she turns her back I say(to myself) and do what I is on my mind and heart.
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So, you gotta act like, or better yet, "BE a MAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE".
Like FIB posted earlier when people tell his W that she is lucky to be married to a Doc, etc.... He hears the nails in the coffin getting hammered down. I feel the sameway. Everytime someone tells my W that she is lucky to have me or that she has one of the good ones. I to hear the nails getting hammered home. These responces from people only remind her of all the reasons that she wants to leave.
From what I have read in other sitches, when your W gets into this phase (feeling good), she starts to see the sitch a lot differently than when she was mad and angry. The difference is that she will realise many things that she couldn't before, and this will work in your favour.
Even though it appears that she is still choosing D, I hope this is what is happening. Hopefully being away from me and the girls will help her to see how important my girls, myself, and our family is to her. I really am not optimistic that this will occur. Everytime I have been away I comeback and am told by her that she is at peace when I am not around.
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My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thanks brother... the same here for you. That goes for everyone on this board.
ERC, you wrote "She is now saying that because of that relationship she was in a bad spot when she decided to marry me. We dated for three years and if I was not a good fit don't you think that she would have recognized it." Don't worry, it's all part of how they re-write history to legitimize what they are now doing. My W told me she was NEVER happy in this R blah blah blah. On the opposite end, we LBS's tend to romanticize and remember those good times! So, take what she says with a grain of salt. You are all bad, the R stunk...OM is her "soul mate" it's all from the same script. It kind of amuses me that the WAS sees all these feelings and statements as so individual but when you read DB and other such books you find that cheating S's all use the same lines but don't realize they are just like all the ther cheaters out there!
I also find it funny knowing that my W says and does the samethings ever other infidel does. I know that she thinks that here R with OM is unique and special. But they all think that and from what I have read most feel that infidelity is wrong but it is different for them. This also amuses me. I try not to let what she says bother me or torture myself thinking about better days in our R. But I find it hard at times since there is so much around me reminding me of better times.
Amen to that. They all think that they are special, and that the men they found are perfect for them, so much more compatible than we are for them, we are fundemenatlly flawed, etc.
There is a book called "When Love Dies" by Judy Bodmer(sp?) and its written by a WAW, and each chapter she addresses a Lie she was telling herself and she dismisses it based on reason. 15 chapters:
1. Its for the best (i'll be happier) 2. Its better for the children (if i'm happier they'll be happier) 3. You don't know how bad things are (basically how she rewrote history and focused on the bad) 4. You don't know my husband (the he's fundementally flawed) 5. I can't forgive or forget (how her resentment was making herself unhappy - not her husband - his transgressions were minor) 6. I can't change who I am (basically the i won't change, i should find someone more compatible, or the I have changed and we've grown apart) 7. I can't change the way I feel (THE OLD STANDARD, but she shows how her past and childhood caused her to overreact to minor transgressions) 8. I had so many dreams (the I am being honest to myself only now, I was lying to myself during our marriage argument) 9. I don't love him. 10. We can't talk (how her own resentment would cause her to sabotage any chance for actual conversation and closeness) 11. i feel so angry (resentment) 12. I married the wrong man (the OM, and the emotional infidelity - when she focused on another man her husband could do no right in her eyes) 13. I don't want him to touch me. 14. I don't feel loved. 15. I just want to be happy.
Its meant for WAWs to read, but i found it really insightful to see just how standard my wifes arguments are. They all say the same things, and most of it is just them lying to themselves so they can be okay with the damage they are doing to their families, without actually trying to work on the marriage.
ERC, they tend to be opposed to infidelity BUT because they have found their soulmate that makes it so up and beyond any normal tawdry "affair"! "It just happened, nobody planned for this to happen" (yes, I heard that one too). My W also didn't like me referring to it as an A, she said it made it sound "so cheap", I replied "that's because it is!"
My H's ow told me on the phone that "we never meant for this to happen". If she was in front of me, I would've scratched her eyes out since she seduced my H at her own home! I prefer to use the A word .. it is what it is...
