Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[LoginName]

I can't believe how weird this all is. Here I am, with a W who says ILYBINILWY, who left me for OM, left our kids, and now I'm acting as if everything is fine, except we don't sleep in the same bed, and if I say ILY to her, she feels like I'm pressuring her. Weird.

And, I've packed her up so she can move to another state. I've given my consent to her taking my daughter with her (god, I'll miss her!). I've basically bought a house in that state (co-signed anyway). I'm selling my house (our house). Then, to make it really surreal, she is graduating today with her PhD, the house is covered in plastic for the painters, and we leave on Sunday to drive to Arkansas and move her in. The plastic covered house is the weirdest bit. We didn't know they would do it this way. Everything is covered, so we can't get to our clothes, chairs, toothbrushes.

And really strange - I'm keeping it together. I'm sleeping, mostly. I'm able to work, mostly. I don't R talk (at least not more than weekly ;-) ). Sometimes I can't believe I can even breath, with the pain and sadness. Sometimes I can't believe I don't tell her to just get the h@ll out of my life and stop the torture. This is a real twilight zone. Spooky.

Not to sound too egotistical, but if this is a test, I think I'm passsing. Even if she doesn't decide to be with me, I've passed. I'm doing the right thing, I'm taking the high road (as toughlover adviced me often to do). I'm strong, and getting stronger. I definately don't have it all figured out, but I'm doing it. If she leaves me, it will hurt, but I already know I'll be ok, and maybe better than ok.

what a long strange trip it's been.