A huge thing for H and myself was the lack of my desire for sex and "taking the time" for sex and his feelings of rejection. This is HUGE and I had no idea that is how it made him feel and makes anyone, either man or woman, feel and all the other emotions that go along with that. I think that is something that really needs to be addressed w/ the LD spouse as, if they haven't experienced it, they have no idea. They just think "we're not having sex," but don't realize all the implications and feelings and emotions that go along with that and how the other person is feeling and interpreting the LD's lack of wanting sex and that intimacy.
Also, I think a lot of times what happens is not that we just get into a rut in our M, but that we just are living day to day, kind of "getting by." Having children makes such a HUGE difference in our lives and how we then define our lives and ourselves even.
Time seems to go by so fast that we all of a sudden had 3 little boys in 8 years of M and I have no clue where the time went and who I was anymore. That's the biggest part for me and probably other "mommies." All of a sudden we realize we don't know who we are anymore. We aren't that person our H married and we really don't feel like we CAN be that person any more. We are so wrapped up in trying to do the right thing by raising our children, when we are absolutely clueless about even maybe how to be a mom, that we are clueless about everything now it seems. (Of course, I'm speaking from my POV, but I think this is how a lot of women end up feeling).
We think that our main DUTY is to raise our children and don't even realize what is happening to our M or how our H is feeling in the meantime. And, as for my sitch and my H, he felt he was communicating things to me that I just obviously didn't get. A passing comment or even actions where my H felt he was helping me out and therefore I should then have more time for him were completely lost on me. An actual sit-down, "we have got to talk about serious things" and really get how we are feeling out on the table is so important.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Keep in mind, guys, on the "sexy clothes" issue, that we moms don't necessarily find ourselves feeling sexy anymore. No matter what we're wearing!! We may have gained a little weight over the years or just plain feel like a "mom." I'm not saying being a mom or feeling like a mom is a bad thing, but it doesn't correspond well w/ then turning around and changing your mindset to being the sexy, come-hither WIFE and PARTNER that we need to be once the kids are in bed or even when the kids are running around and we look across the room and give H "that look." This stuff gets forgotten so easily and put on the shelf in "real life." Like I've said, it takes effort and most people don't realize that or don't have the energy or want or need to make sure all of this is happening.
I had a HUGE change in my attitude when I dropped some weight during the D bomb sitch. All of a sudden I felt PHYSICALLY like that woman my H married. I had more confidence in anything I wore and I had more confidence in the bedroom and it's made all the difference.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm not saying being a mom or feeling like a mom is a bad thing, but it doesn't correspond well w/ then turning around and changing your mindset to being the sexy, come-hither WIFE and PARTNER that we need to be once the kids are in bed or even when the kids are running around and we look across the room and give H "that look." This stuff gets forgotten so easily and put on the shelf in "real life."
It's a shame that so many of us are taught that this is the way it's supposed to be. Parents tend to believe its their duty to hide the very existence of sex from their small children, and to hide from their older children the fact that they still enjoy, desire, and crave sex, or for that matter even think about sex.
It also doesn't help that we're supposed to spend several of our prime childbearing years being overgrown children and completely abstain from sex and our parents spend that whole time trying to keep us firmly out of the "sexy" mindset and correct us when they find us in that mindset.
Cadesmom, would you say that this is part of what happened to you, that you grew up with the impression that moms weren't supposed to have any sort of sexual thoughts or sexy vibes, or that you spent too long being actively discouraged from being in a sexual mindset before you were finally allowed to grow up?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Well, love my mom lots & lots, but she is NOT sexual AT ALL. In fact, although very SMART, she comes across and kind of is, very naive in many ways. I guess that's how she was brought up. She gets embarrassed about stuff that is really no big deal.
I would say that, yes, I was brought up thinking sex was not something talked about and maybe I would even say "dirty" in some ways.
Even into my early 20's if I was w/ my parents watching a movie at home or something, my dad and mom would become embarrassed at sex scenes, fast forward if we were watching a movie or change the channel, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
