Where I am

[RedHeadWife]

Hey Chrome, I had a lot of bleeding too and finally instead of getting a complete hysterectomy (I'm only 35), my OB did a something or other "ablation" where they burn the cervix and it's helped a lot. Just another suggestion/something that worked.

(Bear w/ me if I'm repeating myself - I'm honestly just trying to help/give insight from the W POV)

I honestly don't know what to tell you about the whole SL thing. I don't know how old you guys are or how old the kids are, but I know that I just completely lost any desire for sex for YEARS. I could just live w/o it. I just was ready to go to SLEEP when the boys were finally in bed. I took my stress from daily life out on H and we pretty much had no sort of adult R any more by the time he dropped the D bomb. Of course, this happened gradually over time, but it got pretty bad.

I was just "going through the motions" of life I guess. Until I actually started putting forth the effort to make my marriage good again and have an actual adult relationship w/ H, I didn't really know what I/we were missing.

I was working full-time and taking care of the boys and that's what I guess I thought I was supposed to be doing. I had no clue how much effort it really takes to keep the intimacy and closeness w/ H and how much it actually enhances EVERYTHING, including my dealings w/ the boys, etc., until I started doing what I needed to do and got that back w/ H.

The problem is, I don't know how to get your W to realize all of this and to really "get down to business" and get your M/R back where it needs to be. All I can say is that she doesn't know how much she is missing by letting all of that go by the wayside and she won't know that until you guys get it back. But the "getting there" takes effort and I don't know how to get it through to these "mommies" that they are missing so much and the effort is truly worth it. That, even though we feel we're so very tired from doing everything else, when you actually start doing things to improve your R, you realize you really do have the time and energy to put into it and it helps in all aspects of your life.

I know I haven't really given you any ideas on how to fix things, but maybe how I was feeling/acting/living is what she is doing too. Maybe you can talk to your C and see if they have ideas besides "hard core" hitting over the head w/ the D bomb or something along those lines that you can do to make W realize what needs to be done.

Or, as much as it sucks, you can just continue to work on you and showing her how much you love her, etc. and she will come around. I just don't know. My H felt like he had communicated how unhappy he was to me, but I guess I just didn't get it. I also never understood (until after the D bomb and it happened to me) the rejection part of not wanting to have sex w/ H.

I'm kind of finding and wondering if this is "just the way it is" (and maybe others can agree or set me straight) that it seems that one person is usually the one that puts in the effort in an R or maybe we all just take turns and after the D bomb, it's been my turn b/c even though things are "good" w/ H right now, I still feel like I'm doing the work to keep things good after I did the work to get things back to good. I don't necessarily feel like H is putting in any effort to make me feel loved, special or help me deal w/ what has happened to us SO I JUST PRESS ON and do what I need to do to keep us good and be happy that we are where we are. I can't allow myself to get resentful, etc. or where will my M end up?? And am I willing to go there? Do I want to be w/ my H and, if so, what will I do to keep him happy and therefore hopefully by keeping him happy, the R/M is happy and my happiness will follow?

I think that's maybe a trend around here -- we are all the ones who are willing to work to keep our M's alive and we have to accept that maybe that's just the way it's going to be. If we can get to the point where we are happy with ourselves, with our efforts to keep our M going well, then we can just be happy period whether we feel our H/W is doing their "part" or not.

I don't know, I know I'm rambling, who knows what I know I'm just trying to help a little and let you know you aren't alone feeling the way you are. We just all have to keep plugging along and stay positive and hope in the end (like COG) that our efforts are realized at some point.