Need help with goal related to physical affection

[catfan]

You've gotten some great advice here and if you don't mind I'll toss in a bit as well. Again I am just another guy not a counselor. :-)

1) Stop pursuing so much, by doing so you are only pushing him away. Make him feel it more and want it more. I know it's crazy but it's the old hard to get game. Actually think about it in reverse. He's not pursuing you so you are pursuing him. Turn that around on him.

2) Wear sexy things for you, not him. It's all about making you feel good about you. You making you happy. Have no expectations that wearing sexy things will gain his attention.

Also as mentioned, perfume. Find something new that you really like and wear it all the time. Freshen it up just before you see him.

(Side note on the sexy thing issue. You may attract the attention of other men. Be careful here but getting such attraction is very powerful in helping you feel better about you.)

3) Get out and do things for you. I didn't see much about what you are doing for you. As Michele says in her books, get a life. It'll do a few things, help you be happy with yourself, keep your mind occupied off the situation, allow you to be more independent and show him you don't need him and are in control of your own life.

4) Physical contact, for those of us with touch as a primary or strong secondary language touch of all sorts is important. Actually it's the "everyday" touching that really speaks to us. That's the hand on the shoulder or back as someone walks up to us. Or the hand drag across the shoulders in passing, the light touch of the arm, etc, all the non-sexual touching.

Yes sexual touching, hugs, kissing, and sex are extremely important to us and often hard not to pursue. But if you really want to speak the touch language start with the little things. Otherwise it looks/feels like you are only after sex or are needy in that area.

5) The two of you are now settling down into a routine of seeing each other but making no commitments to each other. Sure this is nice but at some point this limboland routine needs to get moving in some direction. (I've been stuck in limbo for some 6 months now but we finally have movement.)

Don't do like I did and push, push, push while in limbo. It created a further chasm. Get independent, get happy with yourself and get to a point where you are happy. Then you will be more attractive not needy and clingy. You want to avoid appearing needy and clingy at almost all cost.

At some point you need to be able to tell him, sorry I have something to do, can't see you tonight. You need to show him you have a life outside of this situation and that this life is important too. IOW you are showing him you are in control of you and aren't needy.

6) Don't do things that look or seem to be manipulative. This was and has been my worst mistake. I came up with all kinds of "strategies and tactics" which she called "manipulative actions". What that told me was I was trying to dang hard. I needed to be much more subtle about it and also not try so desperately to fix it.

7) Its time to review all that you have done. Look at everything and look at the results. If it ain't working then it's time to seriously consider a change. Take a few days and write it all down. Look at what you are doing and look at the result. Be honest with yourself and don't let over optimism or defeatism cloud your review.

8) This is going to sound counter to something I said earlier about getting independent. But it's ok to ask for his assistance on stuff. Just do it so that you don't come across as needy. My wife has really gotten good at this to the point she's readily admitted she won't ask because she doesn't want me to feel like she's taking advantage of me. Generally she'll tell me about something and ask for my advice on how to solve it. What's she's doing is asking if I would consider fixing it and if not how can she get it fixed. Yesterday she mentioned the grout in the our new bathroom came out. She wanted to know if she should call the contractor. What she was asking is if I knew how to fix it and gauging my willingness to fix it.

So there you go a lot of things to consider. Good luck and use the forum here to get ideas, give ideas, journal your thoughts and vent your frustrations. You have a great community here that you can use to great advantage.