18 mos and counting...

[MonicaP]

WAW-OC,

I really feel for you because I know that, for me, the beginning months were like being in hell doused in gasoline. I seriously felt I would die from the pain of it. I lost 12 lbs in like 2 mos (kind of a bonus actually) and started taking an AD (helps immensely!). I cried constantly and felt so trapped being there to care for my S who was 3 at the time. I just wanted to sit and cry in my room until it all went away.

Well, obviously life requires more of us. Instead I poured over books at the library, books on how to be there for my S through separation, a book about men and their stages of development,co-parenting, etc. When I found DR I finally felt like some real hope.

It took me a while to stop snooping, but when I did stop I never looked back. I think I just got to the point where not knowing was much healthier for me. It's like constantly watching the news or movies about plane crashes and being phobic about flying. I had to stop feeding that beast. It helped me to start the process of detachment.

Interestingly, H and I went to counseling together in the beginning months "for the sake of keeping the lines of communication open" for our S. In one early session he said "sometimes I think I made a big mistake". Well, the MC let it pass right over and H never said it again. Ultimately I fired the MC and thought I was done. H asked to continue, so I found a new MC. We went twice and following that H found ways to sabotage any chances we had. He told me he was only waiting for me to get a FT job before he filed for D.

Well, I have been at my new - wonderful - FT job for a year now and he still hasn't filed.

I can honestly say that I have been able to GAL. I finally shelled out the bucks to get my hair done really well and I love it. I feel like a new person. It may sound trivial, but after having my child and not really having the $, I didn't feel right about spending on my self. Well, now I am a priority! I moved into a new place which I love and I've begun to really make it a home for S4.5 and I. Meanwhile H is either living with Ow in some (I imagine) seedy apt in SF or in the place he claims to be living which is a small 1 rm studio. Either way, it's no life.

I read your thread and I completely agree with most of what I read. Especially about learning to detach from the emotionality of it all. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being friendly and keeping your side of the street clean. It also sounds like your WAW is behaving completely impulsively and irrationally and - given the fact that she chooses to stay in your home - is obviously working really hard at trying to blame you for what is certainly her problem. It's not that we as the LBS don't have responsibility in all of this, but don't own what is hers!

I went to my fee waiver hearing yesterday. Another surreal experience. It's quite depressing to watch all the poor saps (like me!) come and go for the same pathetic reason. The judge wouldn't grant the waiver, but instead gave me a payment plan. Yahoo, I can pay for my legal sep by installment. :-( And, my dumb-ass H can decide whether to convert it to a D without paying a penny.

The best technique I've found in dealing with all of this with my sanity and dignity intact is to avoid making any decisions about tomorrow and just do what's in front of me today.

Hang in there! Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle.