Well, it has been awhile since I updated my status.
Things with the W have been up and down. I fight a lot with anger and sadness, but there has been some good developments. I had decided to take my C's advice and just accept whatever sexuality my W can give me, with the idea that with time and effort, hopefully she will relax and open up to gradually more and more sexuality. Being able to empathize with difficult personal changes has helped. Unfortunately my W has been bleeding vaginally for almost two months. I pressed and pressed and pressed for her to go to a doctor, and she finally assented. Although it was never stated directly, she hinted that she thought the only reason I pushed was that I wanted sex. That hurt quite a bit, but I swallowed my argumentative side and just kept pushing until she finally made an appointment. The doctor has her on progesterone treatments for now. Because I am unable to get my scheduled vasectomy due to being on high doses of blood thinners for my a-fib, her doctor suggested an IUD. They have new ones that also release hormones so it might solve both problems. I am ok with doing non-IC sex until I get off the blood thinners and have the V, but the W seems adamant about wanting IC (rehashing her POV that manual stimulation is not adult sexual behavior - another POV I need to work on gradually). Anyway, she just started the hormones, and I did notice a bit more "intense" affection earlier this evening. Unfortunately, she is parked in front of the computer right now. I may have to just go over, grab her hand and lead her to the bedroom. But I may wait a day to let the hormones work a little more
The other day we got into another "bad discussion" as she calls them about the state of our R. I told her straight up that I felt our poor affection/SL was a symptom of an unhealthy M. And that many of my efforts were attempts to quell possible sources. For example, stronger boundaries with ILs, insistence that she do activities that "woman" related and not "mommy" related (I have made a deal with her that I get the kids one day a week and she has to do something for herself). I did manage one small victory, she has been doing the "comfortable" clothes thing, one of which was a particularly ugly, but comfortable pair of sandals. I know its not that big a deal overall, but I figured start a "small fight" and there is less chance of it escalating too much (how's that for pop psychology). Well, the other day, after much complaining about how I was being unreasonable about her shoes, she went out and bought some that are much more feminine and enhance her beautiful figure very well. She did whine a bit about being uncomfortable, but I did see her preening quite a bit in them the other day. It is amazing the things that women just do naturally, but forget when the little ones come along. I hope I wasn't being too controlling, but I feel the end result was positive. She has talked more about going clothes shopping.
On a more serious front, later that night while we were in bed getting ready to sleep she was extra snuggly and wanted to talk. She told me that she was scared of what I want in our SL and doesn't know how to get from here to there. She asked if I could give her some concrete baby steps that we could work on, stuff that she feels like she could accomplish. I felt that was a very positive step for us, except I have really no idea of what concrete steps we should take. The first thing that popped into my head was scheduled sex. I also mentioned that I would work hard on not being "pouncing" if she would be more sexually teasing during the day. She sounded doubtful, asking if I really could handle the "come here, come here, get away, get away." I replied that I did not mind at all chasing her so long as there was a realistic chance of success. My problem in the past was since success was so infrequent, I pounced on every opening, which led her to not offer openings, and we got into a vicious circle. I finished telling her that I could make the chase very fun.
We ML that evening, nothing grand but good and emotionally satisfying. We haven't talked more about the scheduling yet, I want to wait and see how the hormone treatments go. And I figure that we can work the teasing in starting with the scheduled sex days with the hope that it will become more natural and comfortable for her on days that we don't have sex scheduled, regardless of whether or not it results in actual sex (I don't actually mind being teased mercilessly, again so long as some day in the near future there will be love making).
In summary, some positive steps. Still in a holding pattern a bit with the bleeding/hormone treatments, but I am hopeful for the future. I have the kids tomorrow, she is going clothes shopping with a friend. We are going to visit my brother this weekend, so there is a another chance to get out of the house and remember there is life out there.
Feel free to offer suggestions on concrete baby steps getting from here to there. What has worked for you? I do have some ideas. I also wonder if this isn't the BEST time to try MC. Isn't that kinda what MC is, step-by-step efforts to improve the M? Seems like if she is willing to do that, having an impartial expert lay out some stuff for us would be more welcome than if it was an "MC or D" type situation. KWIM?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
