A tiny ray of light

[NMHurting]

So the horse lesson went ok. I saddled her horse and did all the heavy lifting guy stuff because she mentioned her back was a little tender. She seemed appreciative. W and D had a good lesson and made some really good progress. The W was smiling and laughing, she's so beautiful when she's happy. So much that I snapped a picture with my phone and sent it to her saying just that.

I kept conversation very light and just listened. I praised her when she did something in the lesson well. I asked her if she had a good time, etc.

She invited me along to a quick dinner with both of them at Subway. Mentioned the OM several times. Says she's not feeling up to par, so tomorrow is still questionable. Then dropped the fact that OM's bday is the day after mine and they sorta have plans.

My heart sunk.

I asked her (away from D) if I could have a hug and she said she wasn't ready. I caught myself getting clingy a little too late.

We talked on the way home and she got in trouble from MIL for speaking to me on the phone yesterday. I mentioned that this went back to our conversation about too many outside influences. She agreed and said she feels like she's being torn a million directions.

No hug, but she held my hand briefly as I was being dropped off. I thanked her for dinner, she thanked me for the lesson. I hugged and kissed my daughter. And I barely got the door shut, and out of view before I started crying. But I made it.

Oh did I mention she showed up in OM's truck again. He borrowed her car to run to Texas.

With the highs and lows of tonight. I don't know what to think. I'm down, but I know there were positives. My stomach is tied up again and I feel like I did the first week after the bomb was dropped. Pretty sure I'm going to hurl at any given moment.

Am I over analyzing? Am I getting played? Is there hope?