ERC, Enjoy the weekend. I know for me, the kids help keep me sane. I just need to look at them and I realize that miracles do happen in this world! Take care.
Early on in FIB's thread, I wrote some things about being a doctor's wife (25years of the whole shebang). Though I of course am not crazy about women who marry the doctors AFTER the crappy part of it all, it ain't a bed of roses anyhow. Ahhh, the lovely "romantic" hours of the emergency room doctors....you might want to look at the post I wrote there, I think I put "doctor's wife" somewhere in the title. Ummm, if your W's love language includes time together....she'll lose big time. Sorry to hijack guys. Will post better later.
FIB, hope you are alright. I'll go "investigate." j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
ERC - you are in chicago? I lived there for 8 years. Still have some good friends back there, and plan on visiting this summer (good way to get out of the house for a weekend and get a PMA). I'll have to buy you a beer or two next time i'm in town.
I think your approach is excellent right now. No more US talks, accept the fact that you two are over and continue to be attractive.
I know my wife thinks its all fake, and i'll change back at some point. I don't plan on it, and I don't know if she'll ever question her actions when she sees my changes are real, but I don't care. My kids deserve the new stronger, more patient me.
I think she believes it's an act on my part to win her back because then she can say she is justified in leaving. So your wife is probably right now lying to herself as well, otherwise she has to face the fact that she has no valid reasons for leaving. Keep up the good fight. Sooner or later than argument has to die, when she sees you continue to grow.
25yearsMLC, I could not find the exact thread that you mentioned in your post. But I did read a number of your other posts and yes my W would have issues with a man working so much. When my W and I first got married her love language was quality time. After I learned how to meet that language it has turned into words of affirmation and acts of service. I have the acts of service down pat, I always try to make my W life easier by helping her out. As for the words of affirmation they currently mean nothing to my W. She has always had problems with her image(even though she is beautiful) and no matter what I told her she never really accepted them to be true. Atleast that is how I percieve it. I am really struggling with how do use words of affirmation with her without coming off as pursueing and pressuring her. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Next, let me know when your in town. We can catch a game and pay ridiculus prices for beer. I would agree that overtime your W will see your changes being permanent and drop that argument. My W hasn't mentioned anything about my changes in a while. Of course when she did she saw them as fake. So I stopped telling her awhile ago how wonderful and amazing of a woman she truely is(minus this BS).
Em...Cunningham's .pdf helps. The N.U.T.S book gives another perspective. I am reading thru it now. Put it on your list (a long one probably like mine).
Trust me...as 25 said above...the life of a doctor's wife on the outside seems very glamorous. NOT. Long hours....pressure...malpractice...egos.... I know several ER docs whose M's are suffering right now. In fact, one of them..his W was/is having a PA with the head L in her firm. Don't hurt your heart by telling yourself that your W found a hottie. Again, everytime someone says to my W, "oh..how lucky you are to be married to a MD", I say to myself, another nail in the coffin. If you enjoy what you do, DO IT..and stay focused
Both of us....have our issues beginning in our childhood. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom fought hard to protect us. He shot down my confidence. You and I didn't have a choice in who our parents were. I, too, similarly, learned to 'fight' by having to be the winner...by escalation...etc. I've spent the last year trying to 'deprogram' that and you must do the same..if you haven't done it already. It's OK Em.....it wasn't your fault...nor mine. We were built that way...we came off a 'less than perfect' conveyor belt.
As for the W....you..and I ..have no control over them. Therefore, the only control we have is over our attitudes and actions. Stay PMA. Believe in yourself. Believe that YOU are the one she should be with and it is HER loss. Ya gotta believe. Trust me...the doc thing won't last.
Finally..the attractive thing isn't about tans and weight, etc. It's about being a leader and believer in yourself..it's about lisening to women. Certainly, staying in shape is one of our N.U.T.S.
Whatever happens to you or, we will come up better on the other side. Yeah...I pray for both of us for miracles. Sometimes, they happen.
Stay attractive. Be the best father you can. Hold onto your N.U.T.S.
And, of course............
Strength and honor (make it so). FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FIB, I actually added the book you recommended to my list the other day when I saw it on your thread. I agree that making myself attractive is more then looking good physically. If that is what brought my W back I would not want her back. I want her to appreciate, respect, love and adore the entire package. I might even try to get the N.U.T.S. book for this weekend. I will have plenty of time at night when my girls are sleeping to read.
I hope your right about the Doc infatuation not lasting. She is convinced that he gets her and I never did. They connected in a way that we never have. She just wants to be noticed. She wants to live life to its fullest. She wants to breath life again. I hope this guys true colors shine through sooner rather then later to her. Before to much damage is done to reconcile.
Everyday that I think that there won't be much to talk about on this board my W throws something at me. While at work today my W chatted me asking me if I ever thought two people who did not get along can do such a good job parenting together? Then she told me that the townhouses that she would like to buy are going fast and if we can work things out between us her lawyer will write everything up for us legally. This way I did not have to pay for my lawyer. I
There is now a part of me that wants to say screw it and fight for full custody of our girls and let her have supervised visitation. I know this is not realistic nor is this what I want. I want my family. But I hate that she can apear to just move on so darn easily. Maybe she hurts like I do with the thought of breaking up our family and doesn't allow me to see it. I really do not know. I do believe that she has convinced herself that she is better off without being married to me. Though she knows that she cannot raise our girls without me.
She also told me that she is starting to pray that we can always be civilized with each other because we will be around each other for graduations, etc... I guess the fact that she is praying for me is a 180 for her.
Well I will not see my W now until we go to couseling together on Monday. I pray that she keeps this appointment and does not cancell it like the last two appointments.
I would like to hear some opinions/thoughts on how I can give words of affirmation to her without coming off as pursueing or pressuring her.
have started your thread. Just one suggestion so far, I would not tell your w she is "lying" to herself when she revises your marital history. They ALL do that, to justify their choices.
When you criticize your w's choices, you are forcing her to defend them, instead of looking at them realistically. By telling her in effect, she is wrong to feel a certain way, she'll compensate within and "feel" it more. You will not achieve your goal.
Keep that in mind when you are about to speak to her. I had to seriously pray and do forgiveness exercises before H would call me, or I'd end up yelling and attacking b/c I could not understand his level of selfishness.
They do not feel selfish OR if they do, they have justified it with their marital revisions and only time and space (meaning no attacking their choices) will allow them to again feel the love and to let the good memories resurface. If you really loved her and she really loved you, as I suspect, it will resurface when her rationalizations subside, which they can only do when she isn't forced to recite them.
Also, since she is with an ER doc and she has been divorced before (are you her 2nd h?) there is already a part of her wondering how often she can be this "mistaken". Already she is wondering what was real, and whether she even knows herself, has changed AGAIN (b/c if so, then how can she ever commit, knowing she changes so drastically?) or if she is simply the greatest actress of all time. If she tells you she was never happy, never loved you, blah blah blah, jammer jammer, clang clang---- then nominate her for an Oscar. She'd deserve it.
My other suggestion is about the time spent. OMG, as a doc's wife I recall thinking I wish I had married a teacher. Really, (sometimes I still wish that) b/c all I ever wanted was romance and companionship in the whole "adventure" of life. Never thought I'd be married and alone so much, or like a single mom only not allowed to date...
SO, if you can do it without calling attention to yourself, I'd be VERY available with the kids --doing things with them, spending TIME and planning the time. Sitting around or on the phone so she KNOWS you are doing this without you "showing" her, and have the kids help so they get excited and you will be with them and having fun. No matter what, the kids and you win. Plus, IMHO, she won't be able to help but notice the difference in schedules.
Money...hmmm, if she is with the ER DOCTOR, what's with her being so worried about money? Doesn't he make a gazillion dollars like all doctors? What's that? Not all of them make a gazillion? Maybe she can help out at the office, so he can get ahead....(FIB< hope you know I'm kidding and no offense is meant)...
Don't get me started on what HER expectations are of "the life".... I can't compete with a burn patient, and that gets old. Telling your kids that their birthdays are going to be celebrated a different day (my favorite euphemism...."You'll have 2 parties!"--usually works, actually, or so I think...) and that 9 Thanksgivings in a row spent without their dad is "normal", etc. Oh, anniversaries? Special days? Hope he isn't too busy with his hand in someone's pus filled abdomen to remember that, or how often someone's anal fissure will remind him of a loving time they spent... Or how SHE will feel when it all gets threatened by scary lawsuits... guess you get the point... Just be the kind nice guy you are and financially, if you can appear as solvent as possible (many docs aren't good at business matters, btw and end up lacking the very security they're perceived to have. Plus, they end up never retiring, or when they're on vacation, they think of what they could now be billing and therefore the vacation "costs" them a fortune if they're in private practice)....if you can appear solvent and financially responsible, settled and safe, if not wealthy, without setting yourself up to pay more, I think that'd help. Financial security is an issue for many women and even I sometimes do feel "protected" more b/c I know there will be food on the table. I never had the problem of an unemployed h, etc. IN fact, just the opposite.
Try hard to be upbeat and not show anger to her. I KNOW THAT IS SO HARD, OMG , I get it. We all get it here. The anger....can be so consuming....and that sucks for US. But the thing is, the more you show her anger, the more you validate her choice to leave ("He's so angry/critical/difficult," etc)
So, you gotta act like, or better yet, "BE a MAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE".
Good luck, keep posting and I hope you get lots of time with the kids. For everyone's sake. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
When she mentioned that she wanted to be civil sounds pretty good.
It sounds like a good stepping stone for both of you. At least she is thinking about the future. Don't worry too much, my W is happy now also and wanting to move one with no feelings of remorse, and doesn't take into consideration anyone elses feelings. This is normal (from what I have read).
Both of them really are text book MLCers. As far as full custody, I would refrain from ever mentioning this (or evening attempting it). I can only imagine the "can of worms" you would open if she ever found this out (that you are thinking about doing it). This would really make you the enemy in her eyes. Can u imagine the heartache and stress you will go through afterwards......
Also, you have to do whats best for the girls, and I think the "civil" decision would be the best. I would love to have my DD full time, but I know this is not the right decision for DD (only for myself). Although you are doing a better parenting job than her at the moment.
ERC, keep reading the success stories. This is what keeps my PMA going. Most of the sitches are really so much more worse than ours, with happy endings.
Play the game smart my friend. Your W sounds like she is in a stable and good mood, keep the mood going (regardless of how you feel).
From what I have read in other sitches, when your W gets into this phase (feeling good), she starts to see the sitch a lot differently than when she was mad and angry. The difference is that she will realise many things that she couldn't before, and this will work in your favour.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
When she mentioned that she wanted to be civil sounds pretty good.
It sounds like a good stepping stone for both of you. At least she is thinking about the future. Don't worry too much, my W is happy now also and wanting to move one with no feelings of remorse, and doesn't take into consideration anyone elses feelings. This is normal (from what I have read).
Both of them really are text book MLCers. As far as full custody, I would refrain from ever mentioning this (or evening attempting it). I can only imagine the "can of worms" you would open if she ever found this out (that you are thinking about doing it). This would really make you the enemy in her eyes. Can u imagine the heartache and stress you will go through afterwards......
Also, you have to do whats best for the girls, and I think the "civil" decision would be the best. I would love to have my DD full time, but I know this is not the right decision for DD (only for myself). Although you are doing a better parenting job than her at the moment.
ERC, keep reading the success stories. This is what keeps my PMA going. Most of the sitches are really so much more worse than ours, with happy endings.
Play the game smart my friend. Your W sounds like she is in a stable and good mood, keep the mood going (regardless of how you feel).
From what I have read in other sitches, when your W gets into this phase (feeling good), she starts to see the sitch a lot differently than when she was mad and angry. The difference is that she will realise many things that she couldn't before, and this will work in your favour.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
AndyV M38 W36 D7 M 13 years Together 17 years W wants D mid Dec 06 (ring off) W wants separation early Jan 07 (she backdated to Oct 06) EA revealed end March 07 (Nov 06 W first meeting with OM) Hallmark moment "I care for you but am no longer in love with you."
