My Marriage feels helpless III

[25yearsmlc]

Dear ERC,

have started your thread. Just one suggestion so far, I would not tell your w she is "lying" to herself when she revises your marital history. They ALL do that, to justify their choices.

When you criticize your w's choices, you are forcing her to defend them, instead of looking at them realistically. By telling her in effect, she is wrong to feel a certain way, she'll compensate within and "feel" it more. You will not achieve your goal.

Keep that in mind when you are about to speak to her. I had to seriously pray and do forgiveness exercises before H would call me, or I'd end up yelling and attacking b/c I could not understand his level of selfishness.

They do not feel selfish OR if they do, they have justified it with their marital revisions and only time and space (meaning no attacking their choices) will allow them to again feel the love and to let the good memories resurface.
If you really loved her and she really loved you, as I suspect, it will resurface when her rationalizations subside, which they can only do when she isn't forced to recite them.

Also, since she is with an ER doc and she has been divorced before (are you her 2nd h?) there is already a part of her wondering how often she can be this "mistaken". Already she is wondering what was real, and whether she even knows herself, has changed AGAIN (b/c if so, then how can she ever commit, knowing she changes so drastically?) or if she is simply the greatest actress of all time. If she tells you she was never happy, never loved you, blah blah blah, jammer jammer, clang clang---- then nominate her for an Oscar. She'd deserve it.

My other suggestion is about the time spent. OMG, as a doc's wife I recall thinking I wish I had married a teacher. Really, (sometimes I still wish that) b/c all I ever wanted was romance and companionship in the whole "adventure" of life. Never thought I'd be married and alone so much, or like a single mom only not allowed to date...

SO, if you can do it without calling attention to yourself, I'd be VERY available with the kids --doing things with them, spending TIME and planning the time. Sitting around or on the phone so she KNOWS you are doing this without you "showing" her, and have the kids help so they get excited and you will be with them and having fun. No matter what, the kids and you win. Plus, IMHO, she won't be able to help but notice the difference in schedules.

Money...hmmm, if she is with the ER DOCTOR, what's with her being so worried about money? Doesn't he make a gazillion dollars like all doctors? What's that? Not all of them make a gazillion? Maybe she can help out at the office, so he can get ahead....(FIB< hope you know I'm kidding and no offense is meant)...

Don't get me started on what HER expectations are of "the life".... I can't compete with a burn patient, and that gets old. Telling your kids that their birthdays are going to be celebrated a different day (my favorite euphemism...."You'll have 2 parties!"--usually works, actually, or so I think...) and that 9 Thanksgivings in a row spent without their dad is "normal", etc. Oh, anniversaries? Special days? Hope he isn't too busy with his hand in someone's pus filled abdomen to remember that, or how often someone's anal fissure will remind him of a loving time they spent...
Or how SHE will feel when it all gets threatened by scary lawsuits...
guess you get the point...
Just be the kind nice guy you are and financially, if you can appear as solvent as possible (many docs aren't good at business matters, btw and end up lacking the very security they're perceived to have. Plus, they end up never retiring, or when they're on vacation, they think of what they could now be billing and therefore the vacation "costs" them a fortune if they're in private practice)....if you can appear solvent and financially responsible, settled and safe, if not wealthy, without setting yourself up to pay more, I think that'd help. Financial security is an issue for many women and even I sometimes do feel "protected" more b/c I know there will be food on the table. I never had the problem of an unemployed h, etc. IN fact, just the opposite.

Try hard to be upbeat and not show anger to her. I KNOW THAT IS SO HARD, OMG , I get it. We all get it here. The anger....can be so consuming....and that sucks for US. But the thing is, the more you show her anger, the more you validate her choice to leave ("He's so angry/critical/difficult," etc)

So, you gotta act like, or better yet, "BE a MAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE".

Good luck, keep posting and I hope you get lots of time with the kids. For everyone's sake.
j-