lol..I don't have the GAS money to get out there. I didn't look at her page out of respect for you Jazz. I glanced at who she was in their friends list. One of their "groupies" is the ex of my best friend.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
Crap. Bday just got spoiled. Rec'd an unexpected bill which basically blew what funds I had to go out. Asked her if we could do mellow lunch and got "we'll see how I feel in the morning, I think i'm coming down with a summer cold."
one step forward, two steps back.
So I will be spending my bday alone it sounds like. Well horse riding tonight, making the best of it. Talk to you guys when I get back.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
So the horse lesson went ok. I saddled her horse and did all the heavy lifting guy stuff because she mentioned her back was a little tender. She seemed appreciative. W and D had a good lesson and made some really good progress. The W was smiling and laughing, she's so beautiful when she's happy. So much that I snapped a picture with my phone and sent it to her saying just that.
I kept conversation very light and just listened. I praised her when she did something in the lesson well. I asked her if she had a good time, etc.
She invited me along to a quick dinner with both of them at Subway. Mentioned the OM several times. Says she's not feeling up to par, so tomorrow is still questionable. Then dropped the fact that OM's bday is the day after mine and they sorta have plans.
My heart sunk.
I asked her (away from D) if I could have a hug and she said she wasn't ready. I caught myself getting clingy a little too late.
We talked on the way home and she got in trouble from MIL for speaking to me on the phone yesterday. I mentioned that this went back to our conversation about too many outside influences. She agreed and said she feels like she's being torn a million directions.
No hug, but she held my hand briefly as I was being dropped off. I thanked her for dinner, she thanked me for the lesson. I hugged and kissed my daughter. And I barely got the door shut, and out of view before I started crying. But I made it.
Oh did I mention she showed up in OM's truck again. He borrowed her car to run to Texas.
With the highs and lows of tonight. I don't know what to think. I'm down, but I know there were positives. My stomach is tied up again and I feel like I did the first week after the bomb was dropped. Pretty sure I'm going to hurl at any given moment.
Am I over analyzing? Am I getting played? Is there hope?
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
you're not getting played, but I'll tell you what, you have to man up!
Don't ask for hugs, don't act sappy or cowardly. Be a man, stand up, be confident, and be confident in the things you know you have to do right now.
We can question ourselves here. We can show vulnerability here. When we're with our wives we have to be living this stuff, we have to believe it in our minds and hearts or they can feel the uncertainty. Show your wife you are her MAN. No other man can take your place. No arrogance, no controlling behaviors, just confidence in who you are. Your wife does not want to be with a wuss. None of our wives do. At the same time we have to be confident in listening to them, understanding them, FOR REAL, it can't be a game. If it's not for real, it will go back to how it was before the bombs.
Maybe that's why this takes so long, WE have to be REAL MEN. We have to care for our wives more than we care for ourselves, and we have to show them! They don't care about words, they care about actions. Confident, deliberate, responsible actions (with some little surprises throw in periodically) will attract them back to US, THEIR MEN, and keep them here. It is work, it is hard, it has to come naturally.
Build on your little signs, she obviously doesn't mind being with you. You have ample opportunity to show her your changes, your 180's, your confidence. Consider yourself very lucky to have that and play it cool. The OM will go away soon enough. Don't let her get to you with that. It's a BS ploy to piss you off, to see if you'll bolt, to see if you'll revert back to what you were. It won't work.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
I have been doing 180's. The horse thing is a perfect example. I got out of horses almost 20yrs ago and swore I'd never look back. But here I am paying for lessons for her and D because it's HER dream.
I used to be a hermit. I did very few of the "little" things such as going out for ice cream, etc. I never wanted to because I was so depressed.
I guess it just hurts more because of the bday thing. I have been looking fwd to it for over a week and now because or real life crap it can't happen. Then for her to celebrate with him the next day for his is just a kick in the groin.
Since my family is mad at me for trying to fix my relationship with her. I'll be lucky if I get a friggin' ecard for my bday.
Really debating just staying in bed all day.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
