My question is "How do you provide/show the MLCer that home is safe when they are nowhere to be found (i.e. no contact)?"
That is a very tough question. I don't know. I wish I knew, though.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I think you have two choices. Lots of casual contact, or leave them alone. BP and I have discussed this at length. Either method brings no response from her H.
I think the return has some universal components.
Feeling safe No rebuffing or you owe me attitude acceptance no guilt
If you can show him these things consistently then he will feel safe to return to you. We also know they need space, and they have to set the pace for the return. So help us with this one friends.
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
I have never posted on here before, but I have read alot of these post. I think my xw wife is going through an MLC. I read these post and Its like I am looking her in the face. Does this stuff really happen. She has lived with her parents for the past 2 yrs and can't stand it. I just can't see how that is better than what she had???? And I know that it is not good for our son. I would like some insight to some of this. Thanks
My question is "How do you provide/show the MLCer that home is safe when they are nowhere to be found (i.e. no contact)?"
What would happen IF an occasional very generic card was sent (if you know the address) that just said, thinking of you....it could be from the kids..........
I was reading on the Charlyne Cares Q&A's and she was asked if she acknowledged her husband with cards over the holidays and she said always. She signed all of them, "Your wife."
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Were you on other forums like Newcomer under a similar name during the sep or D?
Just thought I recalled seeing you there. We have met so many people in the Newcomer and Separated forums for example, that sounded like their partner was in mlc. But that is not always something we suggest since the WAS is so much like a MLCer.
Their behavior and their script are often indistinguishable. It is their early life and influences growing up that begin to tell the tale. If you start a thread, tell a little about what you think her early years were like with her parents, mostly her dad. It can be defining for later years. You will read a lot about the effect of low self esteem (visible or invisible) playing into the crisis.
Be certain that too many times people want to find something to hang on to when they are drowning. We often want to label our WAS or X as mlc since that gives hope that there is some eventual end in sight. This is not always the case. Even if you were to determine in your mind that she was/is MLC, they do not all try to return in the end.
Some will never accept the blame or return to live each day with the guilt of their own actions and damage done. Things written say that many will try to return, and that half are then rejected by the LBS. That can be for many reasons. Maybe they did too much damage that the LBS can't forgive. Maybe they stayed away in crisis too long and the LBS finally let go and moved on; perhaps to someone who hasn't destroyed them before.
The last one should be of no surprise even to the folks that support standing for the M in support of unconditional love. It can become hard to do that if the crisis consumes the M in a D and the WAS/MLCer seems to have moved on happily into their next life. We read about letting go and GAL. We preach about GAL and sometimes that will lead to moving on.
I think it is fair to say we all believe in DB basics that include GAL. Sorry to meet you here but hope you find good insight into what your X may have been going through and how to interact with her in the future.
