Need help with goal related to physical affection

[TreadingWater]

Just reread all of this and noticed both some more helpful advice and some other quesitons that I haven't answered.

First, I think you're right that I'm pursuing too much... I did really great with the DB'ing until I got a hint that H might want to get back together. Then, I totally backslid (is that a word?) I'm planning my life around him again. I've been telling myself that it's good to spend time with him; and I think it is. But, being available all the time is probably not so good. So, a new goal:

- Get a life! Make plans indepedent of H, at least once a week. I might still invite him to join me, but it will be "I'm doing xwz. Feel free to join me." Not "Want to do xyz?"

The hug thing when we part is usually (although not always) initiated by him. So, I tell myself this is OK. Do you think I shouldn't make a point of not ending it? Or make a point of never initiating? Or even not really make myself available for it?

RE: the reasons for the affair. That's the million dollar question, isn't it? I do think it boils down to the feeling "connected". He doesn't feel connected to me; he feels more like "best friends" or "roommates." (his words). With OW, he has always felt a strong connection. He dated her before me, and says that he's always loved her; always wondered what could of/should of happened. Never really let go. And, all the usual stuff about how he never should have married me; never really felt "connected" to me... we've always just been really good friends.