Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[LoginName]

Cat, so good to hear you're making it. Where one goes, others may follow. Believe it or not, and maybe I'm totally deluding myself, but I think I have slightly better than 50-50 chance of this M working. Maybe that doesn't sound too optimistic, but it's better than it could be.

To give you my perspective on my W's feelings and motivations: (and I know I can't read her mind, but this is what I've deduced from our MC sessions and talks).
1. She felt that she was "uber" responsible for everything; kids, house, me, etc.
2. She felt that I expected too much and there was no way she could live up to those expectations. It made her feel like a failure.
3. She gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. She feel out of love with me. I think she is willing, and maybe a little hopeful, that she will fall in love with me again.
Exacerbating circumstances:
1. She had a stressful job she quit about 4 years ago.
2. she has been working on her Phd for the last 10 years
3. I've had a job I was not happy with.
4. She had a crappy childhood, and felt she was the adult of hte family (mother had drug/alcohol problems).
So.... She does want to try living alone, only being responsible for herself, using her PhD, having a good job and good self esteem. She wants to feel love. (she says she doesn't believe in that teenage lust type love, but it sounds to me that is what she is waiting to feel).

She says, and I hold onto this as being true, that after she finishes her Phd (this month) gets herself set up in the new job (maybe by Sept?) then she wants to think and work on the R. She doesn't want a D. She doesn't want to date others. I guess she wants a non-legal separation.

I have supported her in her PhD, job (eventhough it's out of state) because I can see that if she contiunues to 'sacrifice' her happiness for me and the kids, she can never love me again. I believe she needs to feel good about herself and feel free for a while before she can realize that she can be free and be married to me. I'm staying here for my son, but more for my W, so she can do what she thinks she needs to do. I may lose. She may feel so good being alone, she'll decide she doesn't want me. She may meet someone else and decide she has found 'true love'. It's a huge risk. I think it's my best shot.

Maybe because I've got an HMO, the MC kind of kicked us out, said we were going to make it, no need to see him, go have a good life. I'm sure he's see us or me again if I asked though.

sometimes, like today, I'm ready for the D. Is she worth it? Why put up with this? I have friends, I don't need her as just a friend. Hell, she's not that interting, fun, or attractive (of course, sometimes, I think the exact opposite). I could move on, and maybe, if I wanted to, find someone who could say ILY to me, and that would welcome it when I said it to her.

We are in the process of selling our house here in CO. We have painters there now. We thought it was understood and OK that we would live there while the painting was going on. Turns out, that's a lot more difficult than we thought. We're thinking of getting a hotel room during the painting. The thought that we would be in a hotel, and she would not share a bed with me, really hurts. And the thought of sleeping in the same bed as my 6'3", smelly teenage son isn't appealling either. I'm coming to the conclussion that this is part of the patience I need. I can do this. I can't push her or force it.

thanks again cat. I'm really happy it's working for you. Has your relationship largely gone back to how it was, only better, or have there been big changes, in you, in him?

My W and I are building a new R. Funny to do that with someone you've been married to for 22+ years, and dated for about 7. What will this new R be like? Will I like it?