She called two weeks ago about returning a movie I let her borrow. "Lost in Translation". I love that movie because it really explains how I feel about someone when I am "into them". Not just a lust thing as much as an emotional connection. She never saw it and she finally watched it an liked it. Our schedules were crazy that week and we agreed that she would call this past week to get together. She even suggested dinner, "that might be fun". Today, I got a message about having coffee this week. My schedule is full until Thursday and then she is going out of town on work until Sunday night so we are going to try for next week. It is just strange still, almost a year after the official D. When we get together, things are great. We have a good time and all and at the end, it is always awkward leaving each other. At times, I feel like we are just denying what might be. But I don't believe I should be the one to initiate us "trying again". Or should I be? I am just taking things slow and seeing what happens. Right now, I still think that she is lost in her world and can't see the forest for the trees.
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
It is just strange still, almost a year after the official D. When we get together, things are great. We have a good time and all and at the end, it is always awkward leaving each other. At times, I feel like we are just denying what might be. But I don't believe I should be the one to initiate us "trying again". Or should I be? I am just taking things slow and seeing what happens. Right now, I still think that she is lost in her world and can't see the forest for the trees.
Confused_in_AZ,
It sounds like things are still looking up for both of you. That is very encouraging. Why does anyone have to initiate "trying again?" Why not let it flow? It seems like this will happen in time. I think she will see more and more there is potential there. The way she is acting, I honestly think she will snap out of this.
I will pray for both of you.
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I believe you are right. From the beginning, I have thought that she is going through a mini MLC. Her father is sick, work is crazy and she is getting to a point where she needs to figure out if she want sto have kids or not. It has been almost nine months since the offical D and as they say, one month of loopyness for each year married which would mean she is starting to come out of it. While I am here for her, I am not putting my life on hold.
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Well, got an email last night from the XW. She seems to always create urgency for some reason. Email subject "Meet tomorrow after work?"
For some reason she wants to get together sooo badly. After a few email exchanges I called her and we scheduled up dinner. I offered to pick her up at her place but she hesitated and told me that she would meet me at the resturant. Okay.
I have no idea why she wants to get together so badly and so soon. She has a movie of mine that she wants to give back but as I told her before....not a big deal when she returns it.
Tonight is sure to be some type of roller coaster ride I am sure.
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
Okay.....tonight was the strangest meeting of them all. I just don't even know where to begin.
Started dinner with the usual how are you doing. XW mentions how a cousin that she used to babysit for just graduated high school. Makes comment of how time flys and how she is going to turn 33 in a few months and that she somewhat feels like a failure for not having kids and is going through a kind of early mid life crisis (something that I have realized for quite a while now and have blamed for the D). I didn't respond.
Eventually goes into how she was on a trip and a co woker got drunk and tried to pick her up and that has been the only person that has tried to hit on her since. Was elaborate story that I won't bore anyone with.
Later on as we are getting ready to leave, mentions how her best friend's kid is going to kindergarden in the fall and again mentions that she is turing 33 and no kids and doesn't have a life.
So, I asked her to see a movie next weekend. She likes the Oceans series, I know she won't go and none of my friends will go see it so thought I would ask. She responds with, "lets play it by ear. You might have someone that you would like to take on a date to see it". Again, tell her that I am off the market and that I would like to take her. Again, lets play it by ear.
So I gave her a hug, kissed her cheek goodbye and we parted.
I am trying to let her know that the door is open, I believe she is trying to feel me out on where I am at. Am I crazy for thinking that? Maybe she is not sure and taking me asking her out as a bigger question of "should be try again?"
Who knows?!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
I really think she is feeling you out big time. It is interesting how she said you may find someone else to take to the movies. IMHO, she WANTS you to tell her she is important to you. She wants to know you want to date her.
Should you try again? If you think there is any part of you which loves her and wants to be with her, I would say GO FOR IT! If you do not, you may look back on this someday and want to kick yourself.
Good luck!
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
From a woman's point of view, it sounds like she was on a big time fishing expedition. What if you said in response to her comments about not having kids, Hey, I am ready to practice having kids anytime you are? "wink, wink". If said in a joking manner, you might get another comment that would give you a little better insight. I agree that if you still love her, then go for it, just don't overwhelm her.
Keep us posted.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Again, tell her that I am off the market and that I would like to take her. Again, lets play it by ear.
As a soon to be single man I have been reading a lot about relationships and dating and attraction. That is all different from DB by the way.
Women like strong, confident, slightly arrogant MEN. Not wimps. They want a challenge. That is difficult to say but true nevertheless.
And it all boils down to your "inner man" - who you are, what you want to be, and that you are self-confident with yourself.
That spells attraction.
The minute you pursue, the minute you ask for dates, dinner, etc the sooner she will lose that attraction you desire.
So, not so much different from DB after all!
There are several resources out there - post your email and I can send. For now, play hard to get without playing hard to get. What?? Yes, play hard to get b/c you are. Imply you are off the market???? NEVER.
You are not only on the market but you OWN it!!!
You plan to see that movie regardless of her reaction or availability. That is the message. How did you ask her:
1) Do you want to go to see this new movie?
What she hears is "Please see this movie with me b/c I am a loser and cannot get a date"
or
2) Some friends and I are going to see Oceans and you can tag along if you like. It will be great fun. I tell you what, I will swing by your place and pick you up at 6:00. That will leave us time for a quick bite before the movie. And I know a great spot after.
Of course you show up alone to pick her up - your friends had last minute plans.
About the kids, I would take a different tack, although I am not against sex!
I would say: You know my biological clock is ticking too. I so know how you feel. Being a parent scares the hell out of me but when that right person comes along I will be ready. After all that has happened to me this past year I know. But that person will have to be special to be the mother of my kids. That is a long term commitment.
I appreciate the thoughts. Jeff, I think I have read the same things that you have too! Funny! Yeah, I played coy with her. I think I mentioned this before but right after the D went through, I met a gal and totally hit it off with her. We actually dated....and I mean dated for about six months. A very emotional relationship. Not physicial, which was good. I actually never had s*x with her. Eventually I came to realize that she was not what I wanted. After dating her for several months, and some big event came up, I let it slip to the X that I was actively seeing someone. I guess that is about when I started noticing alot of these changes.
I told her that I am not dating anyone right now because I want to be single for a bit. Fly solo.....be with myself for a bit, which is true. I finally feel like I have really hit my stride again. My legs are firmly underneath me, I know who I really am and just need to start re-developing those long-term goals for myself. Thought I wanted to go to law school, but realized that I really didn't. All that work and studying and eventually realize that is not is what I want to do...funny how that happens. She knows that I had an active dating life a few months ago....which I did. I kinda joked that I was the one getting all of the offers and didn't know why. She gave me a ton of compliments, which at the time I thought was to make me feel better but now I am not sure if there was more to those words.
Right or wrong I really have not let her in again...yet. I guess in a way I am really scared to put myself in that position again with her. Am I willing to try...sure. Would I take her back....yes, but in the right situation and terms. Slow, steady and with open communication. The communication that she could not provide before that is needed in a healthy relationship.
Thanks again for all of you. Will keep you informed and keep praying for your situations as well!
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
