Do wonders ever cease?

[cat03]

hey there! I've seen you around, very glad you are here.

About trust, don't expect trust to come back in 5min, right before he moves back or something. Regining trust takes months, many many months to come back. How? just him commiting to be a family and your H again, by communicating better. For the longest time I still snooped a little, wouldn't trust him much. Only with time and his commitment (him being home, going to C with me,) did trust come back.

I am happy to say I trust my H again. It is a scary thing to do, to put your heart out on the line again. And believe it or not, your H is feeling the same way about you.

For example, it took a good deal of almost a yr for my SL to go back to normal, why? because my H thought I'd use sex as a tool again (punishing him by rejecting/witholding) and wasn't very affectionate or was into it much. He saw it as a way of control, and that if he were to "trust"me again and put his hopes up all the time he might loose control of himself and be hurt again.

Remember that it goes both ways, you both have to learn to know each other all over again, and build trust brick by brick with time.

I agreed to counseling...that is it so far. I told him he can't move home until I think this will really work
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What's going to convince you that it's going to work? you can't ask that kind of assurance from him, I'm surprised that your statement didnt' change his mind right there on the spot.
The biggest fear that keeps WAH away is that it isn't going to work. My H moved back with the HOPE that we would be able to work it out, but with the fear that we both migh slide back to old habits, with the thoughts that I might extract revenge for what he had done for me.

IF this is really what you think you are not giving him nor your M a real fighting chance. He either wants to work it out or he doesn't. I would never expect anyone else to go by my way of thinking, but when my H came back (also with a big debt, and months of lies after lies to EVERYone) I knew he didnt' have much to offer me, but I took him back anyways, because I loved him and vowed to do my all and darnest to be have a good M with him.

My H's depression had left him empty and sad, and he was just holding on to this last thread of hope (rebuilding our M), since (in his own words) "you seemed to still want me back after all I did" he decided we should try to work it out. You have no idea how many times (before he came back) he'd ask me "but why do you want me back? I wouldn't want me back!" "too much has happen, how can I go back now?"
"it's going to be so hard to build our M again, I dont' think I can do it"
I always told him that my vows where to be with him thought good times and bad times. That all the loved he poured onto me during the years we were married had made him love him and enabled me to want to give love back regardless of what had happened.

That's what you have now momof2, the hope it will work, nothing is for sure in this life. And for months--after he is back w/you---just like me and countless other, you will have your doubts, your second guesses, wondering if you did the right thing, waiting for "the other shoe to drop". That's the nature of piecing, you start from scratch. It's hard work, takes its time, but it is worth it, dont' loose sight of the price.

A book that has helped me tremendously is "Healing the hurt in your marrige" give it a try. I pray for you both, that you slay your fear and fight for your M with tooth and nail.