Heartbroken, I used to do drivebys too!!!! Gosh are we women all the same are what!!!?
I know this is going to be difficult to do, but try not to feel too bad if he is seeing OW. You need to look at it this way... he probably needs to go through this to get it out of his system. Once I finally realized this and accepted this, I worried about my husband coming back "too quickly." I finally realized, painful as it was, that he needed to be with OW, or another woman, long enough to get through the "crush" stage to the reality stage and fully understand the grass is not greener on the other side. This was not something he could just hear and understand, he had to live it. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen overnight. They need to get through the romantic dreamy state to real day to day living (actually "knowing" a person, handling disagreements, normal disappointments, recognizing other female manipulation, etc...). _________________ Note to LoneyOlive, Although looking like the girls at Hef's house helps.... pant size really doesn't have anything to do with being a HOTTIE. The secret ingredient is attitude... and YOU have it!!!! Welcome to the DBing HOTTIE mama's club!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I saw your note on Nikki's thread. I'm sorry, but I don't have time to read your sitch or keep up with you.
I did scan a few posts. This jumped out at me:
"Well we talked again last night - I woke at 12 AM and could not fall back to sleep - I called him and I know I should not have...He really needs his space but he makes me feel better even though we talked about ending it..."
This is selfish, manipulative, self-destructive, and toxic to your sitch. It is no doubt undermining any chances you have to reconcile. It is no doubt interferring with your ability to get happy on your own. It IS unhealthy for you to USE H to make YOU feel better, for many, many reasons.
Get a C, get the phone numbers of some DBers, join a support group, confide in a trusted friend, whatever. Talk to them, lean on them. DO NOT rely on H to be your caretaker. DO NOT ask H to be your caretaker. DO NOT seek comfort from H AT ALL. Do some research on enmeshment issues. You have GOT to get your own life, stand on your own feet in your own world. Get off H's planet, he doesn't want you there right now. You are NOT welcome, and you are NOT entitled to be there. Become an independent adult who is happy with her own life. That should be your number one priority right now. Forget your sitch, forget trying to manage H, you do not hold the magic key nor will you ever hold the magic key. FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
I agree with whoever said do the LRT bigtime -- you have GOT to get a grip on yourself and you cannot do that if you continue to expose yourself to H. This is about YOU reclaiming your own identity. Get on with it.
Just taking it day by day. Did girls nite out Friday nite at the neighbors and got home REALLY buzzed and so wanted to call H but remained strong and did not.
Hit the garage sales Sat. and H came to the house to do lawn/yard work from 9-5!!! He cannot stay away (bored at apt). I was light and positive - dumped some water on his head while he was riding the tractor (our bedroom window is at a 2 story height due to our walk out basement) - he looked shocked and I was just grinning! We used to do [censored] like that when we first got married. All in all I was positive and thanked him for all his work. Told him it's hard being really separated when he is here all the time. Got sad when he left and said g'bye (but not in front of him).
Kids had bday sleepovers Friday and Sat - so only had one at home at a time this weekend. Think we are going to see Pirates this afternoon!
Slept well last night - reading 'The Power of NOW' and it is helping me stay in the PM.
Not sure how much is going to change in this sitch - I have a feeling he's just waiting his time out until I say uncle and agree to D....
Each day I get stronger - more detaching going on. Fearful of my future but I know I could be a lot worse off...
Enjoy the rest of the weekend! HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
HB, glad to hear that you are doing OK. I can read from the posts that you are staying strong. i agree that sometimes h needs to hit bottom, to be with OW before coming back. Mine came back quickly, which in a sense is good. HOWEVER, I really wished (somewhat) that he came back later. One statement he made was, "If I stayed out any longer, I may be gone forever." Even though I know he came back for the family, and at least some part he came back for me and me only; at the same time, I sensed that the memory he had (OW, And just the fun of being single and carefree) will be deep and wonderful in his mind. It won't be like some others' sitch where the OW story turned sour and h came back knowing M and wife is the BEST. Mine probably will always have some doubt of "what ifs". I think you are detaching, but I think h's still hanging out with you all too much. He needs to see life without you. This is of course risky. He may realize that life without you is miserable and boring, etc. if he is coming out from his craziness. Or if he is still in his crazy mode, (or if truly he thinks M is loveless), he will be OK and be gone. I think the key is "was there enough good foundation and love in the M during all these years, and have you DB'd enough the past months that he will have very good memories while he is separated from you?" If there is, there is a good chance he will come back. I know my h pretty much decided to come back before he left to be "alone" with OW (for what reasons? i have yet to find out). So I had laid enough foundation beforehand. Your h said M is "loveless". Are there specific things that you can figure out why it is "loveless"? (may be always putting the kids first instead of him, or never giving him a kiss in the morning, or not saying thank you enough for things he does, share his joy when he spend money on that expensive boy toy instead of blaming him, can be anything). If you can figure out, change that. I started giving h tea when he is on the computer (rather than the other way around, ha ha), saying tons of thank you for things he does rather than taking it for granted, just concentrate on doing fun things with him and not worry about my 10 page long "to do" list. HB, you are really strong. i can't say enough of that. Take care.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
His attempt at getting to know himself entails screwing a desperate homewrecker who will screw around on him given half the chance.
You are a goddess.
You are sweet.
You are forgiving.
You are beautiful.
You have a clear moral center.
You are buff.
You are sexy.
You are fun.
You are proactive.
Most guys would kill to have a woman like you.
You have a heart of gold.
You love your children.
You have character.
You are deep.
You are a goddess...did I already say that?
You are a goddess...there...I said it three times, therefore it must be true.
Now...review the points above.
Having any trouble detaching now?
Err...who needs to be on pins andneedles? Not you. You are a prize. It's Mr. Can't Keep His D%ck in His Pants who should be worried. He's about to lose the best thing in his life.
Start believing that....and you'll be fine. Whatever the outcome.
