One link at a time

[BeingMe]

I get what you're saying, Phoenix. However, my H is not into communicating things with me .... I think he just doesn't think to keep me in the loop about anything (just doesn't seem to occur to him), despite my discussing many times this issue with him, such as the following:

1. The business he was trying to get going (things come out of left field for me, for instance, I did not know he had ordered 5 restored scooter, imported, and customs refused them entry even though all the paper work is correct and all they say is they can't find the numbers on the scooter, and now we have lost more than $5,000 ... he knows that I have been saying to move with caution, so he knew if he had told me, I would've said to order 2 at a time. He knows my feelings on this, and now we are that much more in debt).

2. Our financial affairs, so I worry that we're more in debt than I think (as far as I know, we're doing okay, but in light of the scooter debacle, I wonder if he is hiding stuff from me. He certainly never lets me know how our taxes are being dealt with ... I have to always ask if the stuff has been sent to the accountant, and how is that going. And, my taxes is linked to his through the business because I do some work for him sometimes).

3. There are other minor things that I won't go into.

Now, with all this cr*p, plus the problems he has been having getting the NAFTA visa to work in the States (which he got, but when he went through Immigration at the airport on Monday, they told him he had to bring in all his papers AGAIN, and that they have made a note on the computer, and we are so worried they will refuse him entry, and we have family in the states, and can't not have access, and now I'm wondering if this d*mned job is worth all the hassle, since he can't come home until they have sorted out the visa). There is a scarcity of people in the USA for the work he does, and yet every time he goes through this particular border crossing, he gets hassled with them doubting his educational credentials for the job (and his company has written letters, he has his education documents, his resume, etc.). I told him that perhaps he should just do projects in Canada. On Monday he was held back, missed his flight, finally was able to go through, but could only get a flight that got him to Milwaukee at about 4.00am the next morning, so he didn't get any sleep, and had to work a 10 hour day on Tuesday. He is sounding depressed because so much negative stuff is happening at the same time. He even told me he wishes he could just jump off a building. That really got me upset. How dare he even think this, when he is the one mostly responsible for all this ... if he could've just shared with me, told me what's happening, communicated, then half these things wouldn't have happened, or at least he would've been able to bounce ideas around before making final decisions, and the stress would've been halved. Isn't that what M is all about ... sharing the good and the bad?

I am sorry for the long vent, but I am just sick and tired of having things piled onto me, after the fact. Then, he will say, "but I told you", when he didn't, or he would tell me things if I specifically ask, but by then it's too late. I guess, there is no point in arguing with him ... he is always right. I know his motives for wanting to get a business started is pure, and I know he wanted this job in the USA, so that we could save for our retirement, and have a better lifestyle (although our lifestyle is pretty good as it is ... I sure didn't have any complaints). I don't doubt that he wants the best for his family. But, dammit, I need to be kept in the loop because it's my life too, and I need to know what is happening. I feel like I'm living my life blindfolded.

I am feeling right now, that I don't want to be M anymore. I want to be independent, where I can make my own decisions that affect my life, and my D14's life, and not have to constantly be worrying what my H might be doing. This will also relieve his stress of trying to do all kinds of things because he has a family to take care of, and not have to concern himself with communicating with me. I don't want to be the cause of him doing something stupid. I am getting that feeling of panic again, and I don't like it.

Thanks for reading my vent, if you got this far. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest before I get to the point of a full-blown panic attack. I am at a bit of a standstill, and not sure what to do. I can't really talk to my H about all this, since I don't want to add to his stress more than I have to.

Ugh!!!!! Just have to remember that this too will pass, and nothing lasts forever. I just have to be positive, know that all will be well, if we have courage, don't respond to fear, and just take one thing at a time.

On the plus side ... we had a really awesome time when he was home this last weekend. So, it's not all doom and gloom. I just wish I were single and running my own life, and we were just dating. Oh well ... can't have everything.