Wife gone...Is there hope

[Nomopo]

Fantastic effort at coming to grips with your role in what went wrong. So, to summarize:

1. You are insecure. (About what exactly - physical appearance? More?)
2. You are or were maybe (mildly) depressed.
3. You let go of your personal appearance.
4. You were negative - a "moaning complaining" wuss.
5. You did not involve yourself (read: help) with household items (bills, shopping , tidyness).
6. You neglected/ignored/avoided dealing with finances.

That was an excellent, honest look at yourself (and I know you have been thinking about it for about six weeks), so GOOD JOB. I hope you give yourself a lot of credit for that. For me, that self-examination took awhile (and, frankly, continues to this day). I suspect this is true for all of us who are sincere about improving ourselves.

You mentioned feeling ashamed and responsible. I think we all feel ashamed about some of the things we did (I know I do!!), and feeling responsible is required for real, meaningful and lasting change. So don't beat yourself up too much. Time to keep moving forward. (And, of course, your W shares responsibility for the sitch, whether she sees it or not. It's just that youi have to focus on you.)

My W does not know, that I know any of this either. Although she does know, that I know we have money outstanding, I did ask her to come over & talk about it, she never came & i did'nt want to pressure her.

Hmmmm. For some reason, I feel like you need to have this dicussion with your W. I know it is counter to a lot of DB principles, but y'all have had so little contact I'm worried about it. No kids really makes it different than it is for many of us. But I sure wish some other more experienced DB'ers would offer thoughts. I will try to stir up some attention. Have you thought about consulting a DB coach by telephone? Unless you talk to a coach, please don't do anything without airing here first, ok?

I have no idea how to approach my W, I don't know if I should be contacting her or not. I dont want this to be another case in our history of...Well she seems happy with it & she maybe thinks i am too...& so it goes on & on..

I know. Same thing as the last quote. I'm stumped

The last few months prior to her leaving I felt that we were begining to get back on track, with our social life, a little at a time. We started going away for weekends to see shows that she has always wanted to see etc etc..I did think we were discovering each other again. I know that my W told her mother, that she was suprised that we had been doing all this stuff again.

This is excellent. Just don't know how to get you more shots to show her you can be the man she fell in love with. It may be that she simply has to let her A with the OM run its course. That will be hard I know, but I think you have the strength to do it reading your posts.

But again, too little to late springs to mind?

I know, I know. But even if it is too little too late, still the right thing to do for you, and late is better than never. All you can do is keep trying.

I want her to be happy even if that means shes happy with the OM & free of the burden that I seem to have caused her.

Powerful stuff. I think I feel that way, but I don't know for sure and I would have a tough time saying it.

But i feel that it's not over for us, I just don't know which road to take to try & recover what maybe left of my marriage.

Don't give up hope. It ain't over 'til it's over. Think - long haul. I think this could take a while. How's your patience?

basically, we have both sat & let out R dwindle away instead of confronting our thoughts about it.

The key word there is "both."

I never stopped loving her but it appears she had different thoughts about me.

And the key word there is "appears."

Hang in there friend,
and keep posting,
Nomopo