Wife gone...Is there hope

[strange]

Going Dark can backfire. Especially if YOU were disconnected or unavailable to your spouse before. Were you? It can be "more of the same" behavior.

I now know that my W mentioned on several ocasions to her mother etc, that "He would be better off married to his computer" I did spend way to much time away from my W, we had stopped spending quality time together.
She did tell me the day she left, that she has felt she was here just to look after me.
She also said that she knows I love her, but she can't love me the way I want her to..Not sure what she ment by that?

I do think that i've locked my self away, within my self & let things go the way they have. So I guess I have been unavailable to her.

Up to now it has been me that has intiated all of our contact, which has been for things that had to be done. I was thinking of letting off incase she thought i was just making excuses to call her.

Thankyou for the help

Strange

[Nomopo]

Based on what you said, I doubt going dark is right for you. You need to give her space and not pursue, but I don't think you're ready for going dark.

She also said that she knows I love her, but she can't love me the way I want her to..Not sure what she ment by that?

It means she has felt bad, been hurt and the two of you have been emotionally disconnected. It's a classic WAW comment. Mine has said that in effect. Have you really examined your past to see what went wrong and, most importantly, your role in it?

[Sad1]

Hi strange -- I appreciate you stopping by my "Hopeless Situation". I like what you had to say about still loving your W.
Despite all that W has said and with no contact for months I still believe that as long as I love her, am willing to save our M, continue to GAL and find my own happiness then I've done all that I can. The rest is up to her.
Of course if anyone can offer a suggestion as to how to move forward with my sitch I'd try just about anything. If you learn anything new let me know. I'll keep watching to see how things are going with you.

[strange]

I'm still not sure i fully understand the whole "dark" part, I will continue to read up on that, but i don't think it's where I need to be right now either.
I understand about not persuing & giving her space & time, i hope that is what I have been doing.
Right now I have now idea how i can make contact with W or I should say, contact without making her think I am pursuing her.

Strange.

[strange]

It means she has felt bad, been hurt and the two of you have been emotionally disconnected. It's a classic WAW comment. Mine has said that in effect. Have you really examined your past to see what went wrong and, most importantly, your role in it?

Ok here go's, maybe a long one but, I'll try...

We have been emotionally & physically disconnected for sometime. I did'nt want to confront it & I my W did'nt want to either, I guess. We stoped haveing an intimate relationship about 1 yr ago & I knew at the time that we should talk about it. I left it be, and the longer it went on the more normal it was, that is to say it did'nt appear to bother my W, so in the end I never brought up the topic.

I beleive that I have some problems of being insurcure that i never talked about. I preferd to lock it away & hope it would go away. I did talk about all of this to my W in the heart to heart talk we had (to little to late, huh?). I even think that i was maybe suffering from mild depression. After sometime of worrying about myself & how i looked physically, I am quite tall & skinny & that has always botherd me...I let go of my personal appearance & pretty much did'nt care how i looked anymore, but in a negative way.

The more negative i was, the more i became...I would find the bad in just about everything. Always complaing about this that & the other. I was a moaning complaining wuss.

For sometime I had not involved myself in the running of our house..The bills, shopping , & general tidyness of it...I am very ashamed to say this.
I have found out since my W left that our finances were not in great shape & while I always believed we were saving money to afford one great Holiday (Vacation) per year (we dicided we should do holidays that we really wanted)it appears we were not. My W paid on the credit card. I then found out, that in order to pay the credit card, she had taken out a personal load to pay it in full. For this years holiday, the same again, it was paid for on the card. I feel very responsable for this because i was not helping her with these matters & had no idea she was doing this. My W does not know, that I know any of this either. Although she does know, that I know we have money outstanding, I did ask her to come over & talk about it, she never came & i did'nt want to pressure her.

The last few months prior to her leaving I felt that we were begining to get back on track, with our social life, a little at a time. We started going away for weekends to see shows that she has always wanted to see etc etc..I did think we were discovering each other again. I know that my W told her mother, that she was suprised that we had been doing all this stuff again. But again, too little to late springs to mind?

As I have Said, I have had six weeks to consider all of this, my faults & mistakes before & after. I have made some big changes in myself & i know it's for the better. As for my R & my W, that's where it seems to be stuck. I can't change the past, wish i could though.

I have no idea how to approach my W, I don't know if I should be contacting her or not. I dont want this to be another case in our history of...Well she seems happy with it & she maybe thinks i am too...& so it goes on & on..

I Love my W more than ever, if anything good can come from this it's the fact that she has made me see how much love I have for her...I want her to be happy even if that means shes happy with the OM & free of the burden that I seem to have caused her. But i feel that it's not over for us, I just don't know which road to take to try & recover what maybe left of my marriage.

I could write a thousand page's, probably..But basically, we have both sat & let out R dwindle away instead of confronting our thoughts about it. I never stopped loving her but it appears she had different thoughts about me.

Thanks for reading & some guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Strange.

[Nomopo]

Fantastic effort at coming to grips with your role in what went wrong. So, to summarize:

1. You are insecure. (About what exactly - physical appearance? More?)
2. You are or were maybe (mildly) depressed.
3. You let go of your personal appearance.
4. You were negative - a "moaning complaining" wuss.
5. You did not involve yourself (read: help) with household items (bills, shopping , tidyness).
6. You neglected/ignored/avoided dealing with finances.

That was an excellent, honest look at yourself (and I know you have been thinking about it for about six weeks), so GOOD JOB. I hope you give yourself a lot of credit for that. For me, that self-examination took awhile (and, frankly, continues to this day). I suspect this is true for all of us who are sincere about improving ourselves.

You mentioned feeling ashamed and responsible. I think we all feel ashamed about some of the things we did (I know I do!!), and feeling responsible is required for real, meaningful and lasting change. So don't beat yourself up too much. Time to keep moving forward. (And, of course, your W shares responsibility for the sitch, whether she sees it or not. It's just that youi have to focus on you.)

My W does not know, that I know any of this either. Although she does know, that I know we have money outstanding, I did ask her to come over & talk about it, she never came & i did'nt want to pressure her.

Hmmmm. For some reason, I feel like you need to have this dicussion with your W. I know it is counter to a lot of DB principles, but y'all have had so little contact I'm worried about it. No kids really makes it different than it is for many of us. But I sure wish some other more experienced DB'ers would offer thoughts. I will try to stir up some attention. Have you thought about consulting a DB coach by telephone? Unless you talk to a coach, please don't do anything without airing here first, ok?

I have no idea how to approach my W, I don't know if I should be contacting her or not. I dont want this to be another case in our history of...Well she seems happy with it & she maybe thinks i am too...& so it goes on & on..

I know. Same thing as the last quote. I'm stumped

The last few months prior to her leaving I felt that we were begining to get back on track, with our social life, a little at a time. We started going away for weekends to see shows that she has always wanted to see etc etc..I did think we were discovering each other again. I know that my W told her mother, that she was suprised that we had been doing all this stuff again.

This is excellent. Just don't know how to get you more shots to show her you can be the man she fell in love with. It may be that she simply has to let her A with the OM run its course. That will be hard I know, but I think you have the strength to do it reading your posts.

But again, too little to late springs to mind?

I know, I know. But even if it is too little too late, still the right thing to do for you, and late is better than never. All you can do is keep trying.

I want her to be happy even if that means shes happy with the OM & free of the burden that I seem to have caused her.

Powerful stuff. I think I feel that way, but I don't know for sure and I would have a tough time saying it.

But i feel that it's not over for us, I just don't know which road to take to try & recover what maybe left of my marriage.

Don't give up hope. It ain't over 'til it's over. Think - long haul. I think this could take a while. How's your patience?

basically, we have both sat & let out R dwindle away instead of confronting our thoughts about it.

The key word there is "both."

I never stopped loving her but it appears she had different thoughts about me.

And the key word there is "appears."

Hang in there friend,
and keep posting,
Nomopo

[Nomopo]

From new thread seeking help for strange:

Fellow DB'ers:

If anyone has time to check out strange's post Wife gone...Is there hope, he is faced with a sitch that he hasn't gotten much feedback on. The thread is a quick read, but the general problem is:

His W dropped the bomb, moved out, is having an A with OM.
They have had EXTREMELY LIMITED contact since then, for weeks.
They have no kids.
The contact they have seems to have only been about finances.
Since the bomb/move out, he has been backing off, giving her space, and not pursuing.

strange, correct me if I got any of that wrong. I have been trying to help, but I am at a loss on how to deal with so little contact. Maybe there is nothing else for him to do, but I was hoping to generate some more traffic on his thread in case others have thoughts/advice/ideas.

Much thanks,
Nomopo

[Just_Me]

Nomopo,

I think your advice was excellent and probably all he needed. I'll quote this from above as a good part of my advice as well...

Of course there is hope. Hope you can discover the life-changes you need to make for you, not for her and not with the idea she will "see the light" and come running back.

This time is about you, time for you to discover and rediscover yourself and life.

This is an impossible situation and many people will offer all kinds of conflicting advice, but honestly have no idea what you are going through.

Also, understand she is not going to be making any moves toward you or the R; there is something else drawing her and she is going to reflect you and the marriage in the worst light possible.

Also understand (and this is the impossible part), this has nothing to do with you. These were decisions a long time coming without you.

Do not chase or pursue, unless you want to guarantee the results.

Turn all the anger and sadness and bitterness and disappoinment inside and focus on you because you are the only one you have control.

A lot of problem were listed and it's very good to look inward and try to make changes. Understand, these changes are for you, to make you a better person and more capable of dealing with a relationship, not necessarily one with your wife. You can practice whatever you learn about yourself on friends and family members. And it sounds like you need this time apart to take control of your own life, realizing that you absolutely DO NOT NEED this woman as a crutch or to give your life meaning. You can have a complete life all your own....and shouldn't settle for less than someone that enhances an already complete life.

Unfortunately I have to say that there is no way to create more contact. I'm reasonably sure that this new love interest will preclude any meaningful contact anyway. So, use this period of no contact to work on yourself. The R, if there is one, with this other guy will fizzle and die eventually. If she runs back at that point, you can decide whether you want her. Yes, you have a choice. She isn't the only one that can decide that the R is over. You need to move on without her....grow without her.

Me

[Nomopo]

Thanks Me. Good stuff.

[strange]

Hi guys thankyou for the replys..

I will try to answer some of those points i made..

My physical appearance & insurcure: I ment that it got me down alot with how i looked. I began waiting while my W had been in bed a while before i would go & join her, the light would be off by then. I no longer felt that i looked good to even have my wife see. Thats more or less where we stopped having an intimate realtionship too. she would be asleep before i got to bed.
I did start using a gym to try & better this but did'nt really get there. I beleive in the gym world my physique is called Ectomorph, more like a posh word for really skinny. Hard to gain weight & keep it there, so i lost intrest after about six months....

I am almost certain that my W was thinking I would take her leaving in such a way, that I could not carry on in anyway at all, she did say that she was very scared to tell me, for how I would take it & what I would do.
Actually it had the oppersite effect, it gave me the kick I needed to pick myself up & take a good long look at myself.

There is something that has been on my mind since she left & this goes back to me backing off...In my wifes job she sees cases where people just cant cope with it.. i.e when wifes/husbands leave, one instance sticks with me. She got this call because this guy was threating to kill his mother & then himself, his girl had left him & he basically lost it. He was constantly calling her & getting nowhere, his mother said that he just cant cope when she wont call back & he turns nasty. He was locked up for his own saftey in the end.....So, i did'nt want my W thinking I was going to turn into one of those cases where they just sit calling & in the end go la-la....She was always telling me of the stuff she sees like that...Sorry for kinda going off subject, but I thought you may like to hear it?

Well on to recent matters...W must have been to my/our house today while i was at work...she still has a key, she took her mail & maybe some other stuff, not really sure. I'm not sure it's a great idea her having the key anyway but I have not asked for it & she has not given it back (obviously). But she could'nt even come while I was in, she had to come while I was out, that kinda makes me feel bad, but i won't let it worry me.

Anyway..Thanks again for your replys & help..It's good to just sit here & type to anyone that wants to read.

Strange.